Caring for Older Parents

When my mother was still alive and my sister and I were trying to help support her in her daily living we talked with her about moving into some kind of assistive living. Her response was a resounding NO WAY. She lived independently in a ground floor one bedroom apartment just 5 minutes away from me. It seemed like an ideal arrangement until she started falling and having accidents. She wasn’t eating well and spent most of her time laying on the couch watching CNN. She rarely went out anymore. I did her grocery shopping and brought it to her and sometimes cooked her meals. She had a dog and it died. Then my daughter bought her a cat for company, promising to take it when Mom died.

In my mother’s mind all was well. My sister, who lived in the US and had a young family did her best to come visit as often as she could. Still she was concerned for Mom’s mental and physical well being. I was as well though I was more concerned that she would not accept help from outside services, such as home care and personal care. Eventually she did accept it. Until then it was a real struggle and a source of frustration for both me and my sister.

I asked Mom one day, “why don’t you want to go to assisted living?” Her answer to me was quite enlightening. “Because” she said “the only thing I have left at this stage of my life is my right to choose. I can choose when I go to bed, when I get up, when and what I eat, what I watch on tv and who I talk to or spend time with. If I go into one of those places I have to eat in the dining room with people I may not like. I hate group activities. I am happier here on my own with my own things around me.” I never asked her again about moving and from that day forward I did everything I could to support and help her live as independently as possible respecting her right to choose.

The last time she left her apartment she was in an ambulance after she chose to go to the hospital. She died three days later.