Author: Beth

I was born and raised in Canada in the city of Toronto. I have lived in different parts of the country during my adult life and love being a Canadian. My philosophy of life is to be kind and generous and to thine own self be true. I have a great many interests including reading, writing, art, cooking, watching movies, theatre, music. I have a life centred around my Spirituality that is based in a heart centred faith of trusting we are all connected to one another and all of creation while part of the greater whole that is everlasting life itself.

My Eyes Are Dim I Cannot See…..

There is a song we used to sing when I was a child. Maybe you remember it. ”My eyes are dim I cannot see I have not got my specs with me…..” That song has been playing in my head for weeks now because I literally could not see and it was beginning to get on my nerves. 

Eye Surgery

At the end of last year I had a routine surgery to remove cataracts from my eyes. It was suppose to help me see better and also reduce the pressure in my eyes that could eventually lead to blindness. The recovery period took much longer than I anticipated.  Waiting until my eyes were ready to be tested for new glasses was difficult. Living without my glasses made me realize how much we depend on visual cues to communicate with one another. Being in a world that was blurry all the time affected my brain function. It was very disorienting and also unsettling. I was concerned that I was in the early stages of dementia. I had a hard time processing information and remembering even the simplest things. The truth is my brain was in overwhelm and needed time to adjust. I was disoriented and felt uncomfortable going out and walking on my own. My depth perception was compromised to the point that I could not properly see the sidewalk beneath my feet. All this was a big surprise to me and left me feeling very vulnerable.

Individual Experiences

Years of experience living with a hearing impairment has taught me that the brain compensates when the information receptors are challenged in some way. So why was I surprised when my brain was confused after my eye surgery? That is a very good question and one I am still living with. The easy answer is I was not prepared for the adjustment. This experience has reminded me that everyone’s body is unique and one person’s experience may not be our own. My friends who had had the surgery already told me they could see better than they had for years and even though they needed reading glasses the distance vision was very much improved. No-one talked about the adjustment period immediately following the surgery though. Only after I had the operation did others start to tell me about the challenges they had. It is interesting what we choose to recall and what we put aside for whatever reason.

When I finally got my new glasses two months after the surgery, it took two weeks for my brain to adjust to the lenses and focus clearly. Now I can see and my vision is much improved. That is a big relief. All this to say it was a process that required me to be patient and understanding of how hard my body works to serve me. I am so grateful to be able to see more clearly and to feel more confident again with my ability to get around easily on my own.

Compassion and Living with an Aging Body

I wonder how many others have had experiences with their aging body that have left them questioning whether they would fully recover. I have been living on my own for more than twenty five years and as I now approach my seventieth birthday I am considering more and more the physical challenges that I live with on a daily basis. It brings me back full circle to the importance of compassion. No matter how old we are or how physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually fit we are there are things we experience that can break us wide open and leave us feeling alone and vulnerable even when we are surrounded by people who love and care for us. Self compassion is so important.

I have been very judgmental of myself this past week as I see the ways I have left things unattended because I just needed to take a break from all the maintenance of everyday life. I compared myself to others who are so good at getting on with things and keep their personal “house” in order. I would rather be sitting here writing to all of you than doing my dishes. hahaha Still I appreciate a clean kitchen and an orderly home so I will sign off for now and get on with the routine maintenance. Thanks for listening and being part of this journey of life we share.

Here is to a new song…..”I can see clearly now the rain is gone….” May we all wrap ourselves in a blanket of compassion for all that we are doing to simply live. 

Posted on by Beth 1

Time to Start Over

Photo by Black ice on Pexels.com

I have been taking a long over due break from writing on this blog and it is now time for me to start over. Since I first began writing on these pages the world has been spinning at a speed that at times makes me want to jump off. It is hard to imagine what life would be like if we could just take a long break from everything and collect our own thoughts and connect with our own feelings without the input of outside influences. I am not certain it is even possible anymore though I am sure many have tried.

I have been feeling quite isolated in some ways and in other ways thinking I am so well connected what is this feeling of isolation really about. It comes down to being disconnected from myself. Where did the break happen and how, where do I find that lost part of me that is floating off in the ethers somewhere. Prayer and meditation help. Writing of course connects me to myself in ways I have discovered over the years is part of finding my authentic voice. What I am learning now, though, is that writing is not enough. I must use my actual voice to tell my story. Somehow forming the words in my mouth, saying them out loud, to people who are receptive to what I have to say, brings me such joy. As I look across at the person or people who are listening to me I feel a sense of true connection that is both mesmerizing and grounding. The Spirit in me touches the Spirit in them and we truly see each other. The connection is experienced in a way that is unique to each individual.

Carl Jung said we were all mirrors to each other and when we look into another’s eyes we are really seeing ourselves — the parts we love and the parts we hold with distain. I also heard a phrase the other day at meeting I was attending. One of the members said “Be the Lighthouse not the Tugboat”. Somehow, that phrase stuck with me and left me wondering when and how am I a lighthouse and when and how am I being a tugboat. What is it that I am tugging along behind me. Is it a boat full of people who I can’t let go of or ideas that I just hold onto because they have always been with me and even though they don’t serve my highest good anymore I still use my precious energy to keep them afloat. For example, when someone is being mean or super critical of someone I know my first instinct is to defend that individual especially if they are not there to defend themself. Who am I to be the champion of the underdog? Maybe the super critical one knows something I don’t. What I am learning to do is be the lighthouse and shine compassion on both the people involved. Having compassion for someone who is so hypercritical can be very hard, much harder than having compassion for the one being criticized. Either way the choice is mine. I can real with righteous indignation and wind myself up into a frenzy or step back and soften the response with one of kindness and compassion. This is just one very small example of how easy it is to be a tug boat and not even realize what you are pulling behind you.

Posted on by Beth 0

Spring Has Sprung

Celebrate with Wild Abandon

For me and my family the month of April is birthday month. We have six birthdays all within a few weeks of each other and it continues on into May and June. This year we are also gathering for a family wedding party. It is a time to celebrate new life. We are all starting our year off together along with nature. In our part of the world the trees are budding, the daffodils are blooming the tulips are all making great displays of colour. As I age I am more and more aware of the changing of seasons and how grateful I am to be here and alive on this beautiful planet we call home.

This is a confusing time for us as we deal with wars around the world and natural disasters. Refugees are fleeing their home countries in search of safety. There is so much suffering even in our own country where poverty and homelessness is a way of life for so many. Still and because I am in a place of safety surrounded by love I am able to celebrate and be grateful for all that I am blessed to receive every day. I am no longer living in survival mode. I am thriving because I know the truth of what it means to be fully present in one’s life. I am grateful for a body that gives me just enough reminders that I am moving forward in the aging process and still gives me the opportunity to engage in life in fulfilling ways. We all live with limitations and some degree of pain and yet there is nothing more satisfying then waking up in the morning to a beautiful sunrise and watching the sunset in the evening.

For me Spring is a time to rejoice in new life that is coming to me in all forms. My mind is expanding with my heart as I evolve and grow and remember the gifts of Spirit that are all around me. There is a reason to celebrate in the midst of the horrors because I can see the kindness and outpouring of so much compassion and love from so many who are reaching out to help those in need. Yes we still have a long way to go and the more we focus on all the good in the world the more we will see it and the more the light and love will grow into those dark spaces.

My gratitude extends out into the world to all those people who are writing books of poetry, words of encouragement, memoires, stories of heartache or survival and publishing them for many of us to read. There has never been a time when we needed it more. We are connecting with one another is ways that bring us closer together and at times may cause us to stop and reconsider what we believe. Spring is a time to celebrate it all looking for the new life in and around us. Coming out of the winter months of cocooning and self reflection we can now open our hearts and minds and allow our Spirits to guide us out into the world to see with new eyes what we have been missing.

Yes Spring has sprung and it is a good time to celebrate with wild abandon. If you are having trouble doing that go to a park and watch young children play. Watch how they celebrate the mud puddles, how they love to swing up high to the sky, how they love to roll around on the grass and feel the heartbeat of the Earth beneath them. They know how to play and have fun and if you have forgotten how to feel that joyful spirit within you watch and learn.

May we all know the joy that comes with the spring season and with that the coming of new possibilities. I know that for some this is not a time to celebrate and to those of you who are spiralling down may you find good reason to look up and be encouraged to move forward into that which brings you joy. Whether it be connecting with loved ones or total strangers may your heart be open to the new life in whatever form it finds you.

May Peace find us all.

Posted on by Beth 8

Making Peace with an Aging Body

Photo by Skylar Kang on Pexels.com

Over the past few months I have spent countless hours meeting with medical professionals and discussing various aspects of my aging body. So many parts are showing signs of age and deterioration. Our bodies after all are not meant to last forever. It was discouraging at first and I found my energy got very low. Each thing on its own is not that bad still the cumulative effects of all of them together left me wondering how I was going to cope as things continued to get worse. I am on my own and manage everything in my life alone. I find it takes longer to do everything these days and there is always more to do than I have the energy for. I gave up having a dust free home and perfectly organized space long ago. Now I spend more and more time tending to my body. There is always something that needs to be checked or taken care of.

At the same time, my energy and desire to paint, write, create beautiful things is at an all time high. My mind is always developing new ideas. My Spirit is calling me out to be present and show myself though acts of kindness and spreading love in the world. I am finding even the simplest things take planning and managing. I spent most of my life working as an administrator and office manager and so am well equipped and familiar with time management strategies and ways of accomplishing tasks in the most efficient manner.

At this phase in my life I am not sure that accomplishing tasks is where I am heading. I am more interested in knowing how well we can live together. I am concerned about the state of our human identity and how we communicate with each other or don’t. I began to realize this past week that my body is communicating with me and letting me know where I need to focus my attention right now. All the aches and pains, weaknesses and strengths are part of the aging process. Coming to terms with that means also coming terms with my own mortality. I won’t be here forever. I have already lost parts of my body over the years through surgeries and still my body continues to function and compensate. So learning to accept and make peace with the changes that my body is going through is accepting the limitations that it is now telling me it has. No longer do I “push through” the pain and force myself to do more till I am at the point of exhaustion. I am learning to honour my body and be grateful for all that it is still able to do and the ways it is teaching me to move more slowly through life so that I can see clearly all the intimate details I once rushed by.

I look at myself in the mirror and see the soft giggly parts, the lines carved into my skin, the bags under my eyes and the soft round curves. I see the grey hair the missing eyebrows and the beauty in all of it. It is a magical process to look at the aging body and see it’s beauty and perfect design. It is serving me well and giving me all that I need to be able to enjoy life to its fullest. I am discovering that there is a intrinsic design in the body that allows for some parts of the brain to develop later in life which makes it easier for us to do things. I am learning how to make certain tasks easier by breaking them down into smaller tasks and doing them one step at a time. I have the time now to do that. When I need to rest I do. I have let go of the judgment of myself and just let myself be wherever I am in the moment. Each day is different. That is the beauty of life. Time flows from one day to the next and without any need to see it as a race to the finish line we can simply enjoy the journey.

Yes my body is aging and it is teaching me how to enjoy the simple things in life. To savour each moment and to learn how to play in new ways. Creating a life of pleasure and trusting that no matter how things change there will always be something to be grateful for gives me a sense of peace and satisfaction. My mind may not be able to remember things at times and yet my body has memories that are unique to me and me alone. Making peace with those memories also means making peace with and appreciating all that life has offered me. The more I am in touch with my body the more compassion and kindness I feel for myself and others. We all live in a human body and each one of us has to cope with the aging process in our own way. I am making peace with my aging body.

Posted on by Beth 2

Music – Medicine for the Soul

The month of January was a very quiet one in many ways. Where I live we had another lockdown and there was very little one could do out in the world. I found myself at home alone a lot and though I enjoy the silence and my own company, I was also finding it very hard not having any voices around me. I am not one to leave the television on as many people do just to have the background sound. When the television is on I want to sit and watch it.

Recently I started going through the music I had downloaded onto my computer. I also started shopping for some new music to download. I have a very eclectic taste in music. I opened up my playlist and started listening to Andrea Bocelli. It was amazing how different I felt. There was something about his voice and the music that he was singing that lifted my spirits and filled my body with an energy that had long been missing. It was medicine for my soul. I played album after album all day and by the end I was dancing and moving about with a new kick in my step.

My son is a musician and I often find myself wondering how he knows just what sounds go together to make the recordings he does. It is an intuitive process I am sure and for me the music is timeless if it touches the right cords of the spirit. I wonder how many people actually listen to music as a form of medicine. My knowledge of energy and the body has taken me to a very different place these past few months. Understanding how the body responds to outside stimulus and seeing how that can change our mood and even our perspective is quite astounding.

If you are so inclined I invite you to find the music that speaks to you and play it often and as loud as you can so that it fills the room and you are infused with the energy that the musician has so graciously provided for your pleasure. Music can be Medicine for the Soul.

Photo by Evie Shaffer on Pexels.com
Posted on by Beth 3

Change in Seasons

Fire in the Belly – artist eahancox

The Fall Equinox is the second day in the year when the balance between light and dark is equal. It is the official change in seasons from summer to fall. The the days will get shorter and the nights longer. I for one always look forward to this time of year. I decided that I am really not a summer person. The fire energy of the sun is too much for me at times and the high temperatures together with the intense humidity do me in every year and even more so as I get older. Fall on the other hand revives my energy and gives me pause to reflect on the long growing season of life and now the days of harvest before the time of hibernation.

Last fall we were all experiencing the first season of isolation and shutdown due to the pandemic. Then winter hit and we were all forced inside hoping things would change and we would be able to get out and see each other again, enjoy a good meal, a concert or gather in each others homes. It never really happened and I for one was ok with it, choosing instead to embrace the time of solitude and delve deep into my own heart listening to the voice that was speaking from the place of wisdom within. I kept a small bubble of friends and family who I was able to see on a regular basis and that seemed to be enough.

At the beginning of September this year, I ventured out into the big city and attended some public art exhibitions. I enjoyed walks along the waterfront in Toronto and visits in outdoor cafes with friends and family. I felt alive in a new way. Perhaps it was because this time the connections meant so much to me. We had been separated for so long and now have a deeper appreciation for what we had been through, both on our own and together as a generation of folks who were struggling to keep family connections going. Many of those connections got lost and perhaps they may have anyway due to age and stage of life. I don’t know. Right now I am so grateful for the heart to heart connections I have with biological family and family of choice.

Last week I suddenly hit a wall as my body began to bark back at me that I needed to move more. I was in a great deal of pain from an injury to my right knee and so I was resting and not walking much. The more I sat the worse the pain got. Knowing that there is often an emotional root cause to physical pain I decided to explore for myself what that may be. After a time of reflection I realized that I was resisting stepping forward into my life. There was something that I wanted to do and was not sure it was possible and so resisted the urge to just do it and let things fall into place. I am missing my family who live in Berlin, Germany. I have a two granddaughters there — one who is eleven years old and one who is four years old. I have yet to meet the four year old. I want to hop on a plane and go there. I want to gather them up in my arms and feel their arms around me. I know there are so many grandmothers and grandfathers out there who are feeling this same longing and grieving the loss of watching their young ones grow up. We have the advantage of technology and yet it is hard to find time and space to connect even with that so we must move forward in new ways.

I also realized that the fall is a time of letting go, of preparing to go into the dark. I personally love the dark and am very at home there. Still the pandemic has made the time of isolation feel different somehow. Soon the outside patios and events will be replaced with inside ones and the opportunities to gather together in safe ways will be less. I have been wondering how to meet this time of going within in a new way, with renewed enthusiasm. The part of me that needs social interactions and conversation with other people is worried that I will suffer the same lonely days and nights as I did last winter. Still the hopeful part of me is looking at other ways of connecting with people that will work for me. I am hoping that the friends and family I have been seeing this summer and fall will continue to be in my social circle and we will find more to do and talk about together.

We are all looking to one another to make this time mean something more than just a “wait and see” period of life. I am part of a generation of seekers. People who have always sought that which gives substance to what seems to be ordinary everyday things. There are many authors writing about the aging process from the “boomers” perspective. I am currently reading Thomas Moore’s book “The Ageless Soul” and Carol Osbourne’s book “The Making of an Old Soul”. Both talk about the stages of aging and what opens up and what we let go of. I am in what many refer to the “autumn” years or stage of life. I am in the process of letting go of old dreams, ways of being and thinking, and even beliefs about myself and life that no long ring true for me. I trust that whatever is coming next is both exciting and challenging because that is life in a nutshell and never stops being that way until it ends.

I am grateful for the change in seasons and also for the fire in my belly that still burn and fills my world with the vibrant colours that enlighten what is new and calling for my attention. I wish for you, dear reader, a time to enjoy the change in seasons and to be part of natures transition in ways fill your heart with wonder. Till next time……..

Posted on by Beth 2

The Colour of LOVE

The Colour of Love artist eahancox

The colours and shades of love are seen through the eyes of the heart that is open to offering and receiving it.

When our hearts are filled with love we can expand out into the world trusting that love will meet us wherever we go.

When I lived in Victoria, British Columbia I walked and took public transportation everywhere. Sometimes, during my walk to the bus stop in my neighborhood I passed my neighbours or others walking in the opposite direction. Often we exchanged a smile or a greeting. There were times when we stopped and chatted for a moment or two. The smile on my face was mirrored back to me by the face of the other and when it was not I still smiled and sent an extra beam of love their way.

Some of the warmest and most memorable encounters I have had are with those who are unhoused, tired and weary from a life on the street. Still they manage a simple smile or make eye contact as we acknowledge each other’ presence in the world.

What is the colour of my love today?

It is bright emerald green. Rich and most like the emerald green hills of Ireland. If feel lucky today and blessed.

My mind wanders to the fjords of Norway – the place of my friend Nancy’s ancestry. The deep blue waters running through the emerald covered rock. What lays deep below the surface of the sapphire blue water – the dark trenches hidden away from sight? What is waiting on those lush green hillsides?

When I listen to Celine Dion sing “The Colour of My Love” I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and the ache of my heart breaking open and feeling all the romance of loves lived and lost. Am I ready to fall in love again? To take a chance, risk the possibility of loss, rejection or even acceptance and being loved back. I am living a different kind of love now. Not romantic love a broader more expansive love that surrounds, enfolds, protects, empowers and speaks through me as wisdom for I am part of that LOVE.

I once read a quote.

“A Goddess does not fall in Love

She Ascends to Love

She does not Stay in Love

She plays in Love.”

Today I am experiencing the colour of Emerald Green Love – the healing balm of it, the softness, the brightness, the sparkle – the natural beauty that it holds deep within my being. Today I am an Emerald!

Posted on by Beth 3

A Matter of Choice

Caring for Older Parents

Leaving home artist eahancox

When my mother was still alive and my sister and I were trying to help support her in her daily living we talked with her about moving into some kind of assistive living. Her response was a resounding NO WAY. She lived independently in a ground floor one bedroom apartment just 5 minutes away from me. It seemed like an ideal arrangement until she started falling and having accidents. She wasn’t eating well and spent most of her time laying on the couch watching CNN. She rarely went out anymore. I did her grocery shopping and brought it to her and sometimes cooked her meals. She had a dog and it died. Then my daughter bought her a cat for company, promising to take it when Mom died.

In my mother’s mind all was well. My sister, who lived in the US and had a young family did her best to come visit as often as she could. Still she was concerned for Mom’s mental and physical well being. I was as well though I was more concerned that she would not accept help from outside services, such as home care and personal care. Eventually she did accept it. Until then it was a real struggle and a source of frustration for both me and my sister.

I asked Mom one day, “why don’t you want to go to assisted living?” Her answer to me was quite enlightening. “Because” she said “the only thing I have left at this stage of my life is my right to choose. I can choose when I go to bed, when I get up, when and what I eat, what I watch on tv and who I talk to or spend time with. If I go into one of those places I have to eat in the dining room with people I may not like. I hate group activities. I am happier here on my own with my own things around me.” I never asked her again about moving and from that day forward I did everything I could to support and help her live as independently as possible respecting her right to choose.

The last time she left her apartment she was in an ambulance after she chose to go to the hospital. She died three days later.

Posted on by Beth 0

Layers of the Soul

Layers of the Soul – artist EA Hancox

I went away for a week to cat sit for my daughter. I decided to use the time as an artist’s retreat where I unplugged and gave myself lots of space to be with my watercolours and do some writing.

I am a self-taught painter. I like to just “play with the paint starting with looking at the colour palette and waiting for the first colour to jump out at me. After that the rest of the colours follow suit. The first day I started with a grey palette. Not a colour I use much still it was the first one I wanted to use so I did. After about 30 minutes the painting emerged and it named itself “Layers of the Soul”.

This has me thinking about my own soul and what it means to have a soul let alone a soul with layers. How are the layers formed? Are they there from the beginning created by lifetimes of experience or are they a result of the many years spent being human here now? The colours are interesting – very earthy and grounded. Not my usual colours which tend to be blues and greens and sometimes pinks and purples.

Colour has its own emotional connection so psychologists say. Perhaps I am feeling earthy at this time – needing to be grounded and connected to the Earth. In TCM the Taoist attribute this season of the year with the element of Earth. It begins the end of August and into September. In North America we call it Indian Summer. The time when the fruits and vegetables are ripening and ready to be harvested before the long cooler winter.

I am feeling the heart of the Earth these days and also the fires that are burning around the world. What is left remains to be seen still we know from experience that out of the ashes the phoenix rises. New life forms in the forest where once there were tall trees. I wonder if the painting is more about the soul of the earth and her many layers that have formed over millions of years. Are we to survive this evolutionary time?

It seems there is a bigger question and that is do we believe in the ultimate destruction of all of humanity – not just the weak and disadvantaged – all of us. We all share the same air, same water, same soil and food. Without it we cannot survive individually or as a species. The Earth supports us. It is not our resource. What of the other relations that live on this planet with us? Will they survive the destruction we humans are causing and creating? Time will tell.

The layers of the Soul is a painting with a voice or message that is still waiting to be heard not just by me by all who encounter it. It is bold and dramatic, strong and expresses something that is mystical and without form. Perhaps it is my way of digging deeper into what is most calling to me right now. I wonder what it stirs in you.

Posted on by Beth 0

A Day In the Life

It seems every day starts out the same and continues along a similar path and ends in the same way. When did my life get to be so quiet and predictable? Was it when I retired, when I moved into a room in someone else’s home, when the COVID pandemic took over the world? I am not sure, maybe it was a combination of all those things. I have been creating a new life for myself ever since I made the move back to Ontario just as I did when I made the move to British Columbia. There is a certain comfort in having a daily routine that is predictable and constant no matter what else is happening in the world around me. As I age and become more and more forgetful it is also necessary to maintain a certain routine to ensure that I remember the important things that are medically necessary for my health and wellbeing. I used to think of the type of life I live now as boring and needing more activity, more social interaction, more problems to solve. I would seek out problems or create them just to have something for my mind to work on. Often the problems were externally driven through my work or relationships with friends and family. I loved watching drama on television and courtroom law shows that had a specific case that was being solved.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Now I look more for cultural shows –music, art, performance. I want to be entertained in a different way. I look for documentaries that will expand my world view and give me insight into those things I have never and will never experience in this lifetime. I am interested in travel shows, biographies, national geographic nature shows. The world is changing so rapidly and my grandchildren are growing up in a world that is driven by technology, natural disasters, health crisis and a human race that is influenced by such extreme points of view about how to live together that there is a sharper than ever visible divide that separates us from one another. I hope for a world that is kinder, more respectful and more responsible for how we treat one another. Why are so many people dealing with issues related to trauma than ever before?

Every day that I am blessed to live my life I am grateful for the time I have been given and want to use it to bring more love into this world. How do I do that? One day, one person at a time. I begin by being gracious and compassionate toward myself and then in turn to all whom I encounter. I make a conscious effort to speak with words of encouragement, gratitude, and kindness and when I am angry or sad or down in the dumps I give voice to whatever is bothering me in ways that do no harm. Self-talk is where it all begins. When we are kind to ourselves and recognize the truth about our own shortcomings as well as our strengths and honour them both equally then we can be with others in a more loving way. We speak and act from a centre core that is ultimately loving and kind toward all life no matter what form it takes.

I started out writing this piece because I was bored and needed something to do, to write about. I am having an ordinary day taking care of my body and my home and somehow that is not enough right now. I want to do or be more in this world. What does that look like? When I watch my daughter and her family and all they are busy doing I remember when I was a young mother. Now I am a grandmother, single, living in a room in someone’s home and doing my best to get through each day and find ways to enjoy my space. I am learning to use my creative energy to produce works of art and writing such as this. I am using my interest and knowledge of nutrition to prepare food that is both healthy and tasty. It is the simplest things in life that seem to give me the most pleasure each day.

Lunch with Nana

After decades of being an adult who did not know how to play I am learning and practicing playing as much as possible. One of the joys of being a grandparent is having young children to play with. My grandchildren are still young enough to be free spirited. Those days of being self-conscious and not wanting to be silly any more will come. For now I am taking their lead and being a free spirit. We do art together, go for nature walks, chase butterflies, look at beautiful flowers and eat Jello. One of the few things I indulge my own inner child with when it comes to food. Something about Jello, for me, is just so fun to eat.

Best art is created in your diapers

So a day in my life is less about problem solving and more about finding joy in the simple things of life, appreciating the body I have that allows me to be active, being grateful for the mind that is filled with wonder and curiosity, and honouring the Spirit that is uniquely mine while seeing others in the same light through a loving heart. I am contented to be exactly who and where I am. Living a very simple life one day at a time.

Posted on by Beth 1

Living in Luxury

Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

What exactly is luxury? It is different things to different people and yet by standards set by our cultural norms in western society it is defined by monetary wealth and the accumulation and purchase of items that are deemed “valuable” by those same standards. The primary standard of wealth seems to be the ownership of land. It starts there and then continues to build. The ownership of land as a commodity is considered a luxury today as the prices go up higher and higher in some parts of the world. Those who can afford to buy property are considered privileged. Wars and law suits are fought over land.

When I woke up this morning I felt deep gratitude for the comfortable mattress that was holding my body and making it more comfortable. I gave thanks for the soft pillow where my head had rested throughout the night and the blanket that covered me and kept the chill away from the cool air blowing from the fan. The luxury of a bathroom just a few steps from my room and the presence of clean running water are something I have always taken for granted.

This morning I felt that I was living in the lap of luxury – clean fresh air to breathe, fresh water to drink and bathe in, nourishing food to eat whenever I want, surrounded by natural beauty inside my home and out, and the use of technology that keeps me connected to family and friends and helps me offer and receive love every day.

I am free from the responsibility of land ownership.  I am free to enjoy the beauty of fine art and music whenever I wish through public galleries and online music from across the globe. I have the luxury of reading books by authors of a multitude of genres and to be connected through my reading and listening to people all over the world.  

I live in my own definition of luxury and am so grateful. I am happy to be alive and wake up in the morning consciously aware of how truly blessed I am. There is a simple peace in that. No need to strive to acquire more, control more, have more. No need to be in charge of other people or have things that I must own. The joy of true connection and respect for all that surrounds me is for me living in luxury.

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Nomadic Life

I often describe what I am doing in my life as wandering in the desert or sometimes through the forest. When I lived in British Columbia and in Quebec the mountains helped me see and orient myself as I looked into the distance. Now that I live in Ontario it is the Lake that I look to. I used to believe this is a temporary state of living or being and eventually I would “settle down” and now I am not so sure. I am coming to see and believe it is more a way of living. I have never really settled anywhere for long. Rarely do I attached myself or grow deep roots in any one place specifically. The longest I have lived in a home is seven years. My sense being grounded and rooted has often been a challenge for me and over the years I have discovered there are many different ways of “being home”.

The bible tells us stories of people who travelled for years looking for the Promised Land. Some died before they arrived.  The people of Turtle Island tell stories of their people travelling from place to place following the source of food.  Their homes were portable and easy to pick up and move when required. In Europe there were those who travelled in caravans setting up camps on the outskirts of established communities and were known as gypsies. 

Today we make reference to “the homeless” or “unhoused” who live in parks or on the streets. Those who live on the fringes of society unable, for many reasons, to grow deep roots in any one place are seen as a problem or symptom of something wrong in the social order of the human family.

I have a strong need to “belong” and “be seen, heard and acknowledged”. So it is that I seek community – a group of people who I feel and sense a shared experience of life with and are able to relate to me in a way that is both meaningful and affirming. When I move and my community changes I find myself seeking new connections in new places. I have to remind myself that it takes time to form bonds that are heartfelt and spiritually rooted in something beyond the stuff of life. Toko Pa author of the book “Belonging” talks about belonging ourselves. It is something we do when we find the people we most want to spend time with. I most often stay connected to those I have left behind as well as meeting new friends where I currently live.

I strongly believe it is also very important to connect with those who are not of like mind and like heart because it is through those connections that we learn and grow by either expanding our horizons or seeing more clearly what it is that makes us different. At the same time, having a sense of our belonging to a greater whole is what gives us the courage and strength to face our differences without judgement rather with respect.

Through my travels in life I have seen how much my connection to people across this land I call home has really supported me and given me a sense of belonging and a sense of being home no matter where I live. Home is truly where my heart is.

Posted on by Beth 0

Baking, Knitting and Making Soup

I retired in 2019 and I was determined to find things that I loved to do and to do them. It has taken me awhile to experiment and find my way to the joy that comes from doing something you truly love to do. One of my motivations has been exploring the role of grandmother. My grandchildren call me Nana just as my children called my mother and I called my grandmother. I grew up with my Nana living with us from the time I was 7. My mother made sure she lived close by so my children saw her regularly.

What I learned from both these remarkable women was how to simply be present with the children and let them tell you about themselves through conversations and playtime. I also learned from my mother about knitting and making soup. My mother was an accomplished knitter and sewer. She was a champion soup maker. We all loved going to Nana’s house for a bowl of her homemade soup. All her grandchildren had numerous sweaters that Nana knit for them and now her great grandchildren are wearing them.

When my daughter was expecting her third child I decided to try my hand at knitting starting with a small baby blanket. It was easy to knit row after row until it became the size of a blanket. I discovered in the process how very relaxing and meditative it can be. I often listen to podcasts while I am knitting so that I can keep my eyes focused on the stitches. My granddaughter, Violet, decided she wanted a blanket for her dolls like the one I made for the new baby so I am on my second blanket. This time I am adding a few different stitches and am gaining my confidence as a knitter. Who knows maybe one day I too will knit a sweater and for now blankets and scarves are my go to project. My grandson, William, had requested a rainbow scarf.

I discovered that I also enjoy making cookies and other simple baking items like brownies and pies. When my grandchildren come to visit me or when I go to their place I like to have a treat for them that I have made myself. I enjoy having a cookie with my tea in the afternoon so when I make a batch I save some for me and give the rest to my daughter and her family. Nice to have homemade cookies that are nutritious and made with love. My favourite recipe which I have adapted is Black Bean Brownies. The recipe is at the end. I reduced the amount of sugar to 1 cup and added some chocolate chips for texture and sweetness and walnut pieces for extra protein. I tried using applesauce to replace the fat but they were too gooey. I prefer mayonnaise myself. I always have the ingredients in the cupboard for a quick treat. I am working on another recipe using white beans, gluten free flour, lemon extract and zest covered with lemon glaze. I will let you know how it turns out.

Everytime I make a pot of soup I think of my mother. She was not a baker and my Nana did not cook much at all though she did love to eat and was always open to trying new things. Making soup for me is another labour of love. Soup is the ultimate comfort food. Now that I have an Instant Pot I enjoy making it even more. Even in the summer it is easy to create a lovely broth or chilled soup without heating up the kitchen. Soup is also a great way to use up leftovers, limp veggies from the crisper and adding different veggies to your diet. Cooking for one can be a challenge so when I make a big pot of soup I share it with my my daughter as her kids love soup too.

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Black Bean Brownies

Preheat oven to 350F

1 can (19oz or 540 ml) black beans
3 eggs
1/3 cup canola oil (or mayonnaise)
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
1 cup granulated sugar
½ cup unsweetened coco powder
1 ½ teaspoon baking powder

Instructions:

In food processor, puree beans, eggs, oil and vanilla extract for 2 to 3 minutes. In a large bowl combine sugar, cocoa and baking powder. Mix the bean mixture with the dry ingredients. Pour batter into prepared baking pan (9 inches). Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes or until a tester inserted in the centre comes out clean.

Note: you can add chocolate chips and walnut pieces for extra sweetness and added protein.

Posted on by Beth 3

I Love Hearing Your Voice

Listening is a way of living that transforms your life in ways you never thought possible.

When I was 18 I was having problems with my ears not popping when I was in an airplane or going up an elevator. It became problematic so my parents sent me to the doctor who then refered me to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. He examined my ears, put me through numerous tests including a hearing test. Turned out I was born with very narrow eustachian tubes – the tubes that connect your ears to your nose. When the air pressure changes they serve as a way for the body to equalize the pressure behind the eardrum and in the inner ear. If they are blocked then the tubes can’t do their job and damage can occur in the inner ear. Learning about this was the beginning of what has been a lifelong challenge of living with a hearing impairment.

The doctor told me then that my hearing at the age of 18 was like that of a 70 year old. So as I aged my hearing would naturally diminish and I could go completely deaf though that was not an inevitability. There was no saying, at the time, what caused this hearing loss or what could be done to help me. He sent me to an audiologist where my hearing was tested once again. This time the results showed that I was suffering from acute loss of sound in the middle range. That is where all the consonant sounds are so my biggest problem was understanding what people were saying because I was not always able to distinguish between certain sounds like s and f, t and d or p, sh or th etc. This lead to a lot of misinterpretation of what people said to me and being teased a lot. I learned to adapt and figure things out often with great embarrassment and through trial and error as most people do.

When I was pregnant for my first child I was terrified I would not hear him crying in the night or if he called out to me from another room. My doctor assured me that as a mother I would instinctively know when my child needed me so I need not worry. It turned out he was right.

Several years later Widex manufactured a hearing aid that could help me and changed my life forever.

Over the years technology has improved and developed so that hearing aids are more sophisticated and adaptable to various forms of hearing impairment. I have grown up with the changes in technology and can tell you it made the world of difference for me. I learned to hear with my whole body – my eyes watching body language, scanning the room to find the best place to sit and listening for context so I knew what the subject matter was. The most important lesson of all was to learn to face people when they talk. I didn’t realize how much I lip read until I was much older. Most of the time my family and friends had no idea how hard I had to work to hear their voice and understand what they had to say.

Now I am a grandmother and my friends are experiencing the same effects of hearing loss due to aging as I did when I was younger. They now understand what I was talking about for so many years. I am teaching my grandchildren how to be more engaging by facing me when they talk because I love hearing their voice and what they have to say.

The mistake that many people make is thinking that hearing aids are like eye glasses that correct the problem so you have perfect hearing. They are not. Once the mechanism in your ears that allow you to process sounds is destroyed it no longer picks up that particular sound no matter how much it is amplified. What the hearing aid does do is help to amplify the sounds that you can still pick up and you have to fill in the blanks using your memory. This is hard work and very tiring. There is so much noise pollution in our world today it is important that we allow ourselves time for silence as well to calm our nervous system. I love hearing the sound of your voice and I also love the sounds of silence.

So Be mindful of the people you are communicating with. They may be hard of hearing. Be careful not to shout. It hurts everyone’s ears and doesn’t make your voice any clearer. It distorts it. Be gentle and compassionate with the person you are communicating with. It goes a long way to being understood.

Helen Keller once said if she had a choice between being blind or deaf she would choose blind because sound connects us to one another through our voices, music, natural sounds. Now more than ever before when we are so isolated it is even more important to communicate with one another in ways that truely connect us. Speak so you can be heard. I love hearing your voice.

Posted on by Beth 2

Spring Has Arrived

Photo by Irina Iriser on Pexels.com

Spring arrived and is now blessing us with all the wonderful signs of new life. I was born in the Spring and my mother often told me it was very hot that year. Born on a Sunday in 1954 and this year my birthday is on a Sunday again. Sunday’s Child is full of Grace…… I am not sure if that is true of me or not. I just know that Spirituality has been at the centre of my life for as long as I can remember. It has taken on many different forms over the years as I have matured and broadened my perspective. Still I never lost my faith or if I did it was short lived.

Spring keeps hope alive and boy do we need it these days with all the ways we are being restricted and our lives so drastically affected by the presence of a virus that is so smart and so invasive it has caught the world by surprise and has many of us scrambling just to stay alive.

For me, this is a time of multiple opportunities to determine what I want my life to look and feel like. Often before my birthday I have a strong feeling of things in my life coming to an end. Sometimes it is a relationship, a job or maybe even the death of a loved one. I lost two family members very close to my birthday over the years. I have also been blessed with the birth of one son and three grandchildren close to my birthday. The cycle of life.

So this time of year we call “birthday season”. There are 22 people in my family including my sister, her children and grandchildren, me and my children and grandchildren and all the son and daughter in laws. Of that crew there are 11 birthdays between April 1 and May 10. That is half the people all celebrating together. Now if you are into Astrology at all that means a lot of Aries and Tauras’ people. I also have 5 dear friends who celebrate their birthday in May so I am kept busy keep track of everyone’s special day. I like to send cards out and when I am able a special gift. We Tauras’ are very loyal friends and stick together.

I am always amazed at how much comes up for me around my birthday. I am showered with birthday wishes, gifts and cards as well messages of love and compassion. Over the years it has been a wonder to me that so many people remember my birthday. When I was still living in Victoria I would have a birthday gathering of friends where we ate and celebrated all our birthdays. Food was the main attraction. I loved doing it because so many of my friends came from different places in my life and often did not know each other. The fun was watching them all interact and discover how they knew me. Over the years they became familiar with each other and looked forward to the annual get together. It was such a delight for me.

The year I turned 65 I moved back to Ontario to be closer to my daughter and her family and closer to Berlin where my son and his family live. It cuts 5 hours from the flight time to fly from Toronto than from Victoria. Sadly my trip last year planned to celebrate all our birthdays together was cancelled by COVID. So I wait patiently now for to visit them. For now I am happy to FACETIME and chat on the phone though it is a poor substitute for holding them in my arms. Long distance relationships whether with family or friends can have their challenges and in these times we can be grateful for all the technological advances.

I hope you are finding the joy and wonder Spring offers us and that you continue to have hope for a better future.

Posted on by Beth 1

Time to Get Away- Laughter is the Best Medicine

Happy Camper

Sometimes when you think all you need is to get away from the stresses of life what you discover is that the best way to relieve the stress is with a good sense of humour. That is what a dear friend of mine and I discovered on a recent “time out” that we took together.

We searched the internet for an appropriate place to go that would meet both our needs. We found a place that was close to home. The pictures showed a small cottage like building on a wooded property overlooking a lake. There was a comfortable living/dining area, small kitchen area equipped with a bar fridge, microwave, toaster oven, and coffee maker. The bathroom showed a stall shower, toilet and sink. The bedroom had a queen size bed and boasted to have a new Casper Mattress which was very comfortable. The only days it was available were the week we were looking at. It felt like the perfect match. So we booked it for our getaway.

The day we arrived we discovered that the “cottage” was really a converted work shed with single pane floor to ceiling windows surrounding the living/dining area and only 100 feet from the main house where we could observe the comings and goings and they could see us inside. We laughed as we carried our bags in and got to the front sliding patio door that did not close tightly because the frame was bent. OK in we go. There was a carafe of wine and two glasses waiting on the dining room table for us. How lovely. The place was filled with silk flower arrangements and large silk tropical plants. The floors were covered with grey shag carpet which was warm and cozy. In the living room was a wall unit that housed the TV and bar area along with books, dvds, etc. There was a lovely leather loveseat and two IKEA Pong chairs facing it. It was quite modern decor.

There were notes posted everywhere with reminders of the house rules and instructions, even the artwork was labeled. I laughed and said “I think the owner has a love affair with her label maker”. Looking around it appeared as though she had tried to think of everything that would make our stay comfortable and we appreciated that.

We had decided to prepare our own food at home and bring it with us to reheat in the microwave rather than eating out. We really just wanted a get away. So into the kitchen area we go to put our food away. Everything is low to the ground so we have to sit on a chair to put the food in the fridge and to see the microwave. We soon discover there is no counter area. The coffee maker and tea kettle are on a small glass tower across from the fridge. The toaster oven is sitting on top of the bar fridge. The microwave is sitting on another glass tower beside the fridge on the second shelf from the floor with a cutlery tray on top. The upper two shelves have the dishes and glassware. Beside that is a desk area which is about 15 inches deep with a large silk flower arrangement. Where is the sink? There isn’t one. Ok so we are going to have to improvise like we are camping. As we put the food away we discovered a small dishpan with a sponge and bottle of dish soap. So we knew that there must be water somewhere.

Second trip in from the car we brought our suitcases in and went back to the bedroom which was a little box with a small window in it. The bed was pushed into the corner and on the wall at the end of the bed were two hooks with cozy bathrobes. Nice touch, except there was only 20 inches from the end of the bed to the wall.

The bathroom was another fun place to be. The door only opens part way so when we stepped in, if we weren’t careful, we would bounce off the corner of the shower stall and then have to turn sideways to get in between the toilet and sink. The sink was very small and the hot water took up 3 minutes to arrive from the hot water tank which was in the main house 100 meters away. It was easier to wash our hands and brush our teeth sitting on the toilet using cold water. When we left the bathroom we had to be careful if we were turning right to go the the kitchen area because there was a small step. In the night if we lost our bearings we could easily have taken a tumble. We joked about it saying “Watch the last step it is a doozy”.

So now time to settle in and enjoy the glass of wine that the owners left for us. We turned off the radio put on some of our own music, poured the wine and sat down to enjoy our new temporary diggs. The wine was delicious. Then the noises started. At first we thought it was the cd changer though we were sure it was turned off. It kept up until my friend discovered it was an automatic air freshener that was set up to squirt every hour. Mystery solved but it continued to annoy us all week. We started talking to it.

We prepared our dinner using the one sharp knife we could find and a very small cutting board. It was like working in my granddaughter’s play kitchen only hers was better equipped. The microwave was so old it took several minutes to warm anything up. Cooking dinner consisted of sitting on a chair in the middle of the kitchen watching the tray in microwave turn around. My friend is a retired chef so this was quite a funny scene given her culinary skills. None the less the food was delicious. After dinner we went about washing the dishes. Running the water in the bathroom was such a pain and waste. The dish pan did not fit in the sink so we had to wash the dishes in the bathroom sink and bring them back to the desk in the kitchen to air dry as there was no tea towel. The next day I discovered that there was a spout at the bottom of the shower stall where the water came out and that the hot water actually made it to the shower faster than the sink. So I turned on the shower hot water. Put dish soap in the dishpan carried it to the bathroom filled it with lukewarm or at best hot water and then walked down the hall, remembering the step, and took it to the desk in the kitchen where we washed the dishes and left them to air dry. Then I walked back to the bathroom with the pan full of dirty water and poured it down the sink being careful to pour slowly so it did not overflow on the floor. Then I wiped out the dishpan, left it to dry and the evening began.

Once the sun is down the cold drafts are quite bad and so we sat cuddled up on the loveseat together with blankets wrapped around us watching tv and drinking brandy. Then the fun started — getting up off the loveseat. It is very low to the ground and both of us are older and not as strong as we once were. It took us a couple of tries especially when we start laughing. We decided the place was designed for short people.

So for the next two days we had some time to relax, enjoy each other’s company, and have lots of laughs. We discovered that what you plan is not always what you get and yet the get away was exactly what we both needed. The laughter helped to release so much stress brought on by COVID in the last year and being away in a different place gave us a new perspective. Whoever said laughter is the best medicine knew what they were talking about.

Posted on by Beth 0

We Are Not Our Diagnosis

Understanding Hearts – artist eahancox

One of the things I have learned over my many years of life is that when we are diagnosed with a medical condition we often take on what the practitioner tells us and we become so focused on what the limitations are or the symptoms that we forget who we really are and all the things that make us a whole person.

It is important we honour our bodies and take good care of them. At the same time, it is good to remember we are more than our bodies. Our mental and emotional state require the same attention. We go through times in life when we experience deep trauma or hurt and that leaves scars just like physical wounds do. Often they can take a long time to heal. Some never fully heal we just learn to live with them and enjoy our life.

I recently found myself in a new relationship and describing to her all the things that limit me from being fully alive. I am hard of hearing, I have diabetes, I have suffered high anxiety and depression etc etc. I believed that somehow that made me more challenging to love. Her response was “that is just stuff that matters not to me.” She also shared her stuff with me and we both listened and heard each other.

As we age things change and how we do relationships change with us. Romance, though very appealing, is less important than the trust and respect of a good friend and companion who truly loves you warts and all and doesn’t care about all the limitations. Being able to laugh with and share our funny stories is what really matters. That is how love expresses itself in all the best ways.

Being mindful and considerate of what conditions we live with is important. It informs how we move through life. Knowing the challenges our companion is living with helps us be considerate and compassionate. By the time we reach this stage in our lives there is no room for pettiness and hiding the truth. The truth is what sets us free.

We are whole beings. Some say we are Spirits having a human experience. Whatever that may mean to each of us we are not our diagnoses. We are people first and our hearts and minds are there to help us navigate all the many obstacles that may be presented so we can love and live as fully as possible in the time we have here and now.

Posted on by Beth 0

New Year New Beginning

It is early January 2021 and here we are facing more uncertainty. This time last year I was preparing for a trip to Allentown Pennsylvania to visit a friend and dogsit for him while he went to a work conference in Las Vegas. It was the first time I had been to the USA in over a year and I had never visited that part of the country so I was excited. The week went very well. My canine buddy is a Cane Corso breed and the most adorable dog. At first I was a bit worried about walking her as she is very strong and could easily have pulled me over. We had a good talk though and I let her know that I was in charge of the walks and if she wanted to go out then she needed to pay attention to my lead. She listened and as a result we both enjoyed getting out a few times a days for long walks in the neighborhood. As often happens when you have a dog people stopped to talk to me and engaged in conversation.

My buddy Duchess

My friend lives in the downtown core of Allentown which is a historic district and in some places a little run down. Still, like the buildings,the people have character and there is a real cross section of cultural diversity. That also means lots of different food to grab at diners and take out places. The cemetery where we sometimes walked had lots of very old gravestones from the early 1800s. I read some of them and there were lots of children and young women and men. It was interesting being in the USA and seeing it from the ground among the people instead of through the eyes of the media. I did notice there was no Canadian news to be found anywhere on the TV the whole time I was there though.

At the end of my visit my friend, Greg and I took a day trip to New York City. Remember this is the last week in January 2020 before all the lockdowns started. I was in heaven. I have always wanted to visit New York City and here I was in the middle of winter walking the theatre district and eating lunch in a restaurant on Broadway! I felt like Mary Tyler Moore wanting to throw my hat in the air. After lunch we walked over to Time Square and then down to the World Trade Centre. It was a memorable experience to just stand on that parcel of land where so much happened and so many people lost their lives. When I think about it today, I wonder what will be remembered when the dust settles after all the domestic terrorism in USA now.

Hello Time Square

I pray for PEACE and a new world order that gives us all a chance to begin again and live together celebrating what it is we have and offering what we can to those in need. I honestly believe that as human beings we are more naturally kind and loving than we are cruel and violent. May we all someday remember who we truly are and where we came from. A new year a new beginning. Let’s make the most of it shall we?

Posted on by Beth 0

Tell Me a Story Nana

My granddaughters in Berlin

I have four grandchildren ranging in age from ten to three and a new one on the way. One of the greatest gifts of being a grandmother is being a storyteller. My oldest granddaughter pictured above and I started writing stories together when she was just six years old. She lives in Berlin Germany and we have only visited and seen each other three times in ten years. Still we have the most remarkable relationship because we started visiting online from the time she was very young. One of the ways we started connecting was telling stories. I would start a sentence and she would finish it. Soon I began writing the stories down and one day we had a whole booklet of stories we had written together. She is now a budding young artist and is starting to draw pictures to illustrate our stories. Her younger sister is now wanting me to tell her stories and to write stories with me. It is such a great way to connect and use one’s imagination. We have never met in person and yet there is still a love connection between us that transcends the physical. That is the power of storytelling.

My grandchildren in Canada

My grandchildren in Canada visit with me regularly and we have great fun making up stories and play acting. One day I am a veterinarian, another day I am a dog owner bringing my dog to the hospital to be healed.

My grandson made up a game called story cars. He has a whole collection of miniature cars and each one has a personality. Each person who is playing is given a car and then we make up stories and play with the cars pretending we are on a great adventure. Some cars a good friends others are bad guys who need to be stopped. It is great fun telling and imaging stories with him.

Posted on by Beth 0