It seems the world is spinning faster and faster every day. Chaos reigns all over. Yet in the quiet of a regular day I can feel the joy that is also there. There is hope everywhere when you are open to seeing and feeling it. Even if you are not looking when you become still and listen you can hear the birds chirping. They are telling us of a new world order that is coming our way. In fact it is already here. We just can’t see it yet.
I have been feeling the need to withdraw into myself for a while now. It takes great effort for me to engage with people these days. I have a hard time coming up with topics of conversation. So I often sit quietly and ask questions so others can share what is on their mind. I love to listen and hear their stories. It inspires me and keeps me connected. At the same time, what they share gives me more to consider in my own life. My heart reaches out to them and we connect Soul to Soul.
What is this need to withdraw and be quiet all about anyway? I am not sure exactly. I just know that I am much more relaxed and content in my life right now. I am comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company. It has taken a while to reconnect to this sense of belonging I so needed. To be part of something greater than myself again. It is bigger than the world outside my door. It is a sense of being a conduit of peace and kindness. It is of love and compassion. This feeling comes from a source that is more powerful and more genuine than I can describe in words.
For weeks I have felt lost in the wilderness. I did not know how to connect. I was longing for a sign or feeling a hand reaching out for me. I crawled into my bed and slept away the hours that felt empty and without purpose. Then in my dreams, a still small voice spoke inside me. During my quiet time, it gave me reassurance. I am not alone. I live in a world filled with love. People who genuinely care about one another surround me. They also care for the Earth.
At church this week I was sitting quietly waiting for the service to start. The music director, who I genuinely love as a kindred spirit, came over to me unexpectedly. He bent down and gave me a warm heartfelt hug. I can’t tell you what a gift that was to feel his arms around me even for a few seconds. I felt the presence of God in that moment. Something opened inside me that had been closed off. I listened intently to words of the songs being sung. I watched the choir as their faces lit up when they sang. I listened intently to the scripture readings and the prayers that were shared. Every word landed on my heart and brought me joy. The sermon stirred in me images of Truth and Reconciliation with the people who first inhabited this land. I felt sad for and with them. Still there was hope in the message. There were references to ways we can make peace with the past. By the end of the service, I felt myself emerging from the dark shadows where I had been dwelling.
I was reminded about all the people in my life who I care about and who care about me. It was a time of Truth and Reconciliation for me. I came to understand how often I forget to make that conscious decision to be quiet and still. Even just a few minutes of stillness is important. It is in the stillness that I find the truth of my well being.
I am happy to say that I am finding Joy in my life again. I am looking through a clearer lens than ever before. My spiritual home is where I live joyfully for each day is a new beginning. For now, as an Earth Dweller, I seek a new way. I want to experience fully what is in my every day. I want to find my way along life’s path to the beauty that surrounds me.
I wish the same for you dear reader. What brings you joy? Where do you connect with the Still Small Voice in you? How do you walk upon the Earth with Love in your Heart?
For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.
This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead. I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall. At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face. It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular. I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost. When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.
Family
Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family. I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend. When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that. I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives. They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana. That being said we are a very small family. We get together periodically for family events or special holidays. Mostly we live independently though. My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career. His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.
My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live. I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more. We are all growing older and life is changing.
Living On My Own
I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income. It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away. Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.
I do not see a move in my future anytime soon. I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have. I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.
Listening with My Heart
Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am turning the page. I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life. I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar. I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.
So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now? Where do I look for meaning and support? My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late. I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for. I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains. Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.
I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is. I have seventy one years of life experience. I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit. I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch. I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.
Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path
So how do I do that? Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal? Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them? The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both. Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion. Maybe it requires a bit of both.
There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world. Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.
What I have experienced of late is this. Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.” My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again. Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.
That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance. I can’t do it by myself. I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have. We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.
Soul Companions
I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them. We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country. Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful. When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community. I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years. It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with. It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us. It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.
Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online. Fortunately, my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly. Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world. Everything is changing and we are changing with it.
This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!
There are days when the skies are filled with clouds and the sun is hidden behind them. Some days are darker than others, still when the clouds disappear the sun shines forth and I am lifted up. I am sure many of us are.
What does that mean exactly, lifted up! Well to me it means seeing something beyond the obvious. It means allowing the darkness to be illuminated and the wisdom of my heart to be seen and felt within my very being.
Now this is not just a physical phenomenon it is a spiritual experience. It can happen in the darkest hours of the night or on a cold and snowy day when the winds are blowing so hard you can barely see two feet in front of you.
How and why is this such an enlightened experience then? Do we have to be experiencing the “dark night of the soul” in order to recognize the wisdom that shines through that darkness? Or is it something we can access anytime anywhere we choose to? This is question mystics have been asking and answering for centuries. We are all Spiritual beings first and foremost and so when we can find our way to trusting in that knowing then we are on our way home.
Shining a light into the darkest regions of our hearts can be difficult at best and darn right impossible at the very least. Often we don’t even know where those dark corners are hiding until we come up against a memory or a physical sensation that tells us we have landed on something that needs to be addressed. What I know from my own experience is when I shine a light in those regions of my being I am not doing it alone. I have experienced more than once the hand of what I call God taking my hand and leading me as well as comforting me along the way.
It is not always easy to explain what this looks or feels like for me, still I know it to be true. I can shift my thoughts away from sorrow and sadness to love and compassion on the turn of a dime if I am connecting in that moment. It is not always that easy though. Still at times it can be. Learning the process of mindfulness is one of the best ways I know of to shift gears and learn how to be present with all that is presenting itself in any given moment.
Still there are many moments when my heart is aching and my mind is telling me that I have every reason to be sad, angry or disappointed. It is in those moments that I need to take a step back and look at myself from the perspective of one who is witnessing myself in pain. It is not a problem to be solved. It is simply an observation of something that is happening in the moment. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes for me to see myself in a different light. Other times it takes days even months to move through that dark time and find the light on the other side.
This is the value and joy of having a human experience. To be able to eventually shift our way of seeing what is before us and finding the diamonds sparkling in the sawdust of all that has been working away at us over time. Psychologists may argue that the dark regions are there because of the negative experiences we have had up until that moment we see them differently. They may be right. I have had many experiences that I have reframed over my lifetime and others that I can not let go of. They are painfully resting in my heart waiting for me to let go and let God take them over.
Hanging on to such negativity is, in a way, a form of self protection. As long as I remember what it feels like to be so hurt or angry or even fearful then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again. If only that were true. The reality is that as long as I hang on to all the pain I am only reliving the original experience over and over again. So I am learning more and more how to live in the now and live through the pain until it is no longer hurting me. It becomes a story that I can tell and has no particular affect on how I am feeling now. This is something that I truly believe comes with the aging process. It is a way of looking at the world and my life in context of what is now rather than what was then.
I learned to be more consciously aware of my human shortcomings when I was caring for my aging mother and my young children. My mother talked over and over again about all the ways she was hurt in the past by family members. She could not let it go and so everyone around her was forced to listen to her ongoing rhetoric about all the times she was ignored or left with no support when she was going through difficult times. Finally she cut herself off from her family all together. At the end of her life, my sister and I were the only ones left who she was talking to and our children of course.
As I age I am determined not to be the same way with my family members. I am not sure how successful I am in that regard still I am doing my best to be present to what is now and to take responsibility for whatever I am feeling at any given point in time.
Being an aging parent I hold a certain expectation of my children which they may or may not be able to live up to. They don’t know what those expectations are neither do I know what their expectations are of me. Unless we have the conversation which for us is damn hard I may go to my grave wondering what I could have done differently or how I would liked to have been treated differently.
Ultimately, it is for us to make peace within ourselves and leave no stone unturned until we are assured that we have done the very best we could at any given point in time. By then the light will shine for us in all the corners of our hearts so that Love can prevail above all else. That is how I want to leave this world some day.
I am in my seventies now and I encounter a lot of people who admit they are living with some degree of hearing impairment as I am. Many have chosen to get hearing aids to help them manage conversations better. Others get along without the use of any form of aid. They choose this option mostly because they are not ready, not because they could not benefit from them. Others have tried them and just don’t like them for various reasons. If you are one of the lucky ones who has exceptional hearing then I am happy for you. Your ears and brain are still functioning at the top of your game.
Hearing loss is most often gradual and for some of us that means the people around us usually notice before we do that we are not hearing as well as we used to. We gradually learn to adapt by lip reading or other methods of communication. So we think we are doing fine. The truth is most of us are not. We are just working harder than we need to and are exhausting our nervous systems in the process. Living alone we often don’t notice that the tv or radio is on louder than it used to be. Even when we live with someone we blame them for mumbling or talking at us from another room.
Early Diagnosis
I have been hard of hearing since I was eighteen years old. The doctor told me then I had the hearing of someone in their sixties. It has been gradually getting worse since then. I got my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-two. Thus began my life long journey of learning how to adapt and hear and communicate in a world that is not user friendly for the hard of hearing. Loud noises or even music playing in the background can interfere with how hard someone has to work to listen. I must say though that technology has really improved over the decades and I am doing better now than I did in my thirties even though I hear less.
I have had years to study how the loss of hearing can affect my ability to socialize. For years I did not go to the movies because I missed too much of the dialogue and the background sound effects are too loud. I only went to foreign films with sub-titles. Now there is a device some theatres offer called Rearview Captioning that you can borrow. It goes in the cup holder and shows the subtitles under the screen. It works great. Now I can go to movies again.
When watching television I always have the closed captioning on or I don’t watch it at all. I lived without a television for more than ten years. I also avoided large gatherings of people for a long time because it was too hard to hear when I engaged in conversation. Sometimes I would go but would then sit quietly by myself just observing what was happening around me and usually people didn’t seem to notice. So even though I was out and about and trying to socialize with my friends or engage in the world, I often felt isolated and alone in the crowd. Eventually I made sure I did more one on one activities because that was easier for me to manage.
Ways We Adapt
What I have observed recently is how well I have adapted by learning all sorts of responses to give when I don’t really understand what someone has said to me without cutting off the conversation. I might say something like “that’s interesting or right or that makes sense….” The other person carries on talking assuming I am understanding them and I just sit quietly and “listen” as hard as I can to what they are saying hoping I will understand enough and have something equally as engaging to share when it is my turn to speak.
This is a learned behaviour that has developed over a long period of time. Listening is really hard work for someone with a hearing impairment, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or ability to focus that long. So we learn to fake it or isolate ourselves so we don’t have to and that can get lonely. Most of us take longer to process information so long periods of silence in between sharing information is so helpful. In todays world though I have noticed that silence makes people uncomfortable. So they try to fill it up by talking more.
My granddaughter asked me a few months ago “Nana why do you say ‘right’ so much when I am talking to you?” That was the first time I was aware I was doing it and at the time I didn’t know why I did. So after observing my behaviour I came to realize it was because I didn’t understand everything she was saying to me still I wanted to acknowledge her. I have learned over the years that most people do not like having to repeat themselves if you let them know you did not understand what they said. Often they will just say “never mind it’s not important” which cuts the conversation short and leaves the listener feeling left out.
Challenges Along the Way
Many people speak very quickly and often cover their mouths with their hands or turn their face so the listener can’t see them. Children have higher pitched voices and talk quickly going from one subject to another which often makes it hard to follow. I have tried my best to remind my grandchildren to face me when they talk with me and also to speak more slowly so I can understand everything they say because what they tell me is important to me. I did the same with my children when they were growing up. The truth is I am the one doing most of the adapting. Most of my friends and even my family have a hard time remembering I am hearing impaired. My own mother told me once I never think about it. You always do so well. Yes I do and it is very hard work sometimes.
Like most things in life change is gradual as we get older. Our bodies slow down and we learn to take things at a steady pace. Many of my friends who now have the experience of not understanding or hearing as well as they were used to are saying to me “how did you do it for all those years?”. I tell them that is a very good question. The answer is I learned to listen with my whole self – not just my ears. I developed a keen sense of observation and learned to put things in context so I could fill in the gaps. I also developed my intuition so that I could figure out what someone was talking about. I am a good listener and I listen a lot to other people. My heart is always open so what I don’t understand with my head I can feel in my heart and I respond as best I can.
The Gift of Silence and Solitude
Some of my closest companions over the years have been authors of books that I have read. When I find myself alone, not ready to venture out into the world I choose to be quiet at home with a good book. It is often one written by someone and about something I can relate to. It helps me feel connected and not so isolated and alone. I refer to my books as my friends because the words that they contain offer solace to my soul when I need it most.
I found myself wanting to pull back more and more these past few months and I wrote about it recently. What I was noticing was that my hearing was getting worse and I was more and more tired after I was in a group setting. I saw my audiologist today and she confirmed for me what I had suspected. I have lost more hearing. So she adjusted my hearing aids and hopefully that will help improved things for me when it comes to understanding and taking part in social activities. Still I am aware that the fatigue is a side affect of hearing impairment and I must take time out in silence to restore my energy and not over task my nervous system.
If you can relate to any of what I am sharing here then I encourage you to take time to regroup and if you haven’t already done so get your hearing checked. Taking care of our bodies so that we can live a rich and vibrant life is key to our well being.
The season of Advent is now being observed by many Christian churches around the world. I have to admit this is one of my favourite seasons because it reminds me to slow right down and take stock of where I am right now. It is so easy to rush toward Christmas and get caught up in all the holiday advertising and activities. I know there is a certain amount of planning and shopping to be done for our celebrations on Christmas Day and into the New Year. Still it does not have to consume me. I would much rather stay home and practice being quiet and listening to what my heart is longing for and what it wants to share.
In the Celtic tradition we are also leading up to the winter solstice which is an honouring of the darkness as the days get shorter and nights longer. This too is a time of quiet reflection and being still with what is before us.
As we are being invited to get busy and to get out and do our shopping, decorating our homes, preparing meals and having guests over, I also invite you to take a few minutes each day to notice where the darkness is presenting itself in your life. Are you wanting to go to bed earlier at night? Do you want to curl up in front a fire or light some candles and turn off the lights? Are you thinking of someone you haven’t seen or heard from for a while and want to reach out?
The first week of December we began with the theme of HOPE. This is not an easy message for many of us who are struggling with the pressures and demands of family life, work life, financial strain, food insecurity, health concerns and the list goes on. Many are grieving the loss of a loved one or are preparing to say good bye as their loved one is slowly leaving this world. Others are missing children and grandchildren who live far away. Still it is a time of great hope for families who prepare to be together travelling from distant locations. It is a time when children are excited to be surprised by gifts they will receive. It is a time when we as a community reach out and offer whatever we can to give others hope where it may be missing.
This second week of December we reflect on the message of PEACE. I think about the phrase “Peace that Passes All Understanding”. That is what I strive for and long for each and every day and especially now in this war torn world where it seems almost impossible to achieve. Yet the message of HOPE reminds us that PEACE is not an outcome rather a state of being. When we take time to be at PEACE within ourselves then we can bring peace into all that we do and everywhere we go. It is not something that just happens it needs our conscious awareness to come out of the darkness and into the light.
Coming up to the third week of December we can begin to celebrate the Joy of the Season. We can see the lights all around us at night. The moon has gone from dark to brighter and shines upon us illuminating all the beauty of this Earth as we so often rush on past or ignore it. Again we are invited to stop, slow down and experience the JOY of being present with and for each other no matter our circumstances. Take time to say hello and smile at a stranger. Take time to help an elderly neighbour or play with a small child who is longing for attention. Wherever you find yourself during this week practise finding joy in the little things. Listen to music that makes your heart glow with JOY. Pay attention to what sparks JOY for you and do it!
Finally the fourth week of December we will be focused on LOVE. The LOVE that came into the world with a light so bright that many tried to put it out. This LOVE will not be denied though because it is the essence of who each of us are and where we came from. We only need to acknowledge it and allow it to touch us to know that it is there. No matter if we are all alone or surrounded by crowds of people we are enveloped in LOVE. Accepting that as a matter of course and being willing to honour that in yourself and then in others is the greatest gift of all.
So dear readers may you know the gifts of HOPE, PEACE, JOY AND LOVE, during these weeks as they grow darker. May you find time and energy to give thanks for these gifts you have been given. Trust in the knowing that no matter your circumstances you are precious and a gift to humanity. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am forever grateful for your presence.
I have been reading a lot about caregiver burnout lately. I have friends who have people in their lives who they are caring for. I hear them tell me it is more and more difficult to keep going because they too are tired and need help themselves. Still being a dedicated caregiver means they carry on because there are no real alternatives unless there is money available to invest in paid service providers. Even then if they have the resources the demand is getting greater and the supply is limited. Not everyone has the extra money to spend though. So many caregivers are putting their own health at risk while caring for someone else in their family or a dear friend. Community resources are very limited right now and in some cases long wait lists are a barrier to getting the support needed.
All this can also lead to elder abuse which is also an even bigger problem in our communities right now. As a growing population of seniors age and become more and more isolated from family and friends they are at greater risk of being ignored and neglected. Many of them have lost interest and live with severe depression or worse, dementia. They are not able to access the supports they need or even to ask for help. It is a very sad reflection on how our society views the important role our elders can play in our society.
As we age, more and more demand is put on self care as the only means to continue living with dignity. What if you are a single woman, living independently. What if you have chronic medical conditions such as diabetes, hearing loss, arthritis and diet sensitivities such as dairy or gluten. What if you are living on a very low fixed income and are doing everything you can to manage your finances.
I confess that I am living with all those conditions and more. Sometimes I feel burned out. Taking care of myself is a full time job. There are days when I just want to quit the job and find a better one that is more fun. If only that were possible…hahaha…. By the time I take care of myself, my finances, and my home I have very little reserves left for other things.
So what I am learning in this process?
I am learning to be very grateful for my body that carries me through life relatively pain free rather than bemoaning it.
I am learning to be grateful for the amazing care team of doctors who monitor my health conditions and help me to stay on track. So many of my friends who are in similar situations are not so lucky.
I am being reminded that if I want to have fun I need to find it in the process of my daily living
I am looking to find a hobby that I can do at home on a tight budget that is fun for me to do
I am learning to do things slowly and steadily until everything is taken care of
I am learning to keep reaching out to my friends and staying in contact with my family
I am learning that taking a day off to just rest and restore from time to time is good self care
I am learning that having a Spiritual practice really helps me stay focused and present in the now
I am learning to laugh at and with myself more when I hear myself whining or complaining and to give myself more love
So dear readers whether you are a caregiver for someone else or for yourself or both, take time out to be grateful and kind to yourself. Learn to laugh at the antics of your wounded self and to love yourself even more because you are so worth it. If you are aware of a senior living alone take a minute to check in on them from time to time. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you can make all the difference.
What is it about bread that draws us in? What makes us want to grab a slice and slather it with butter? There is nothing that feels quite like home more than the smell of fresh baked bread. In the days when people made their own bread from scratch, there was always a fresh loaf ready to be baked. Or there was always one just out of the oven. Today there are many people who own a bread maker. My daughter is one of them. What a treat to be able to walk in the house. Or wake up in the morning and be met with the smell of warm bread wafting through the air.
We had a tradition on Sunday afternoon in my house when I was growing up. My sister would make a big batch of bread dough and leave it sitting on the hearth of our fireplace. We would watch either golf or football with our dad. When the dough had risen sufficiently she would punch it down, knead it and let it rise a second time. An hour later it was ready to bake and we had warm bread fresh out of the oven with our dinner. What a real treat!
I loved the hard, crispy crust and the soft doughy inside of her bread. I loved how the butter soaked into the middle. It left a delicious taste in my mouth. I wanted another bite right away. Sometimes we had soup or stew. We used the bread to sop up the liquid or dunk it in the bowl. One restaurant I went to had a round loaf of bread. It was hollowed out and served their hardy soups and stews in it. I thought that was genius.
No matter where you go in the world, every culture has their version of bread. Examples include crusty Italian loaves, French baguettes, croissants, naan, pita, and roti. Bread is a staple of life all around the western world. I don’t know about China and Japan though. They are more about rice or noodles as a staple. Correct me if I am wrong.
Some people prefer pastries and sweets over a slice of bread. Not me. I could live on bread. Scriptures refer to the “bread of life”. We often hear about old folks who live on tea and toast, another favourite way to eat bread.
Bread has become a commodity that is sold in great quantities across North America. The production of bread has been taken up by large factory like assembly lines. The bread itself is filled with preservatives to make it last longer. It also contains all kinds of ingredients to supposedly make it taste better. Think of Wonder Bread for instance. It is soft doughy white bread. It contains all sorts of artificial additives to give it some sort of nutritional value. These additives also give it a long shelve life. Yet so many of us think of it as comfort food. It was the staple of our childhood, at least for many of us.
My mother wouldn’t buy Wonder Bread and I for one never understood why. The commercials on TV were so inviting and when I went to my friends houses where they ate Wonder Bread I was thrilled to have a bologna sandwich on white bread with yellow mustard. It was a real treat.
My mother made sandwiches that were really nutritious. They were filled with some sort of meat, mayo, mustard, lettuce, cucumber, and sliced tomatoes. Sometimes, she would add a slice of cheese and Spanish onion. We called them salad sandwiches because my mother was always trying to get us to eat more vegetables. For me, though, it was the bread that made the sandwich. Often we would have crusty kaiser buns or even better soft onion buns. One weekend my mother went to the local bakery and bought a fresh loaf of French stick. She sliced it in half lengthwise and built a sandwich along the whole loaf, adding all kinds of filling. When she was done she put the lid back on the loaf and cut it into thick slices. The slices were placed on a platter and everyone was invited to help themselves. There was always a dish of dill pickles, olives and sweet mixed pickles or baby gherkins.
This past weekend I was visiting a friend of mine whose family is from Lithuania. We talked about bread. In her family she remembers dark Russian rye bread smothered with liverwurst and covered with sliced cucumbers. I can taste it now and my mouth is watering.
Maybe it is the cooler temperatures, causing me to think about bread and all the accompanying treats, I don’t know. What I do know is bread is something that can offer us much food for thought. Nutrition is something that is very important to me. I am known to eat fast foods and food with very little nutritional value. Still I am interested in feeding my body what will give it the best ingredients to fuel my engines. So I look for the best bread possible.
So dear reader what are your memories and thoughts around bread? Are you a bread enthusiast or do you avoid bread? Do you make your own bread or do you have a favourite bakery you like to go to?
Let me know in the comments below what your favourite bread is and how you like to eat it. Till next time…..
My living room window looks out onto two large trees. They are planted side by side along with some smaller trees. It is interesting to see how these trees reach out and touch each other. The branches interwoven make it easy for the squirrels to run up and down their trunks. They also jump from branch to branch and tree to tree. It is quite entertaining to watch. There is a large nest at the top of one tree. I imagine the squirrels rest there when they are not busy chasing each other.
Sitting in my chair, I look out the window. I take great pleasure in watching the activities of at least two squirrels. One of the trees is a chestnut tree so this time of year the squirrels are busy gathering the nuts. If anyone happens to be standing under the tree, they could be bombarded with a nut or two. The same may happen if anyone is walking on the sidewalk. I have seen it happen. Quite startling to the victim.
Some days I find myself wanting to sit back and relax in my recliner. I take time out to watch “squirrel tv”. One can learn a lot about how to play and exercise from these little creatures. The more I study them and their interactions with each other the more fun I see them having. Maybe it is not fun for squirrels to chase each other. Maybe it is not a game at all. I don’t know that much about the behaviour of squirrels. Right now I just enjoy watching them.
What I know is that outside my window, there is a wonderful example of the interdependence of nature. It is just steps from the building I live in. Birds, animals, trees, sun, rain, wind, and earth all depend on each other. Watching how everything lives together in one small part of the yard provides me with much to consider. Paying close attention to it gives me lots to contemplate.
I don’t have to watch a documentary on regular tv or travel miles outside the city to see it. It is right here in my own front yard visible from the comfort of my recliner chair.
So what am I learning from watching “squirrel tv”?
It is good to live close together. The trees in the yard are growing close enough together so they branch out and touch one another. When it is really windy they bend and sway and support one another. As humans we need to be close enough to prop each other up when the winds of change blow hard.
Find someone to play with. Watching squirrels chase each other up and down the trees. They leap across branches and repeat the process over and over again. This reminds me to get up and move and do it playfully.
Take time to groom yourself. I often seen the squirrels sitting on a branch grooming themselves. They take great care in doing so. The ones who are mangy looking are not doing well. Isn’t that what it is like for all of us. When we feel good we take care of ourselves and when our energy is focused elsewhere we let things go. Still we feel better when we are well groomed.
Have a nest to go home to. High in the tree is a large nest made of broken branches and leaves. It is built upon three branches that grow out from the trunk of the tall evergreen. Isn’t it great how the tree supports the nest? The squirrel has a place to gather food. It also has a place to sleep at night out of sight from predators. We all need a safe place to go to when our day is done.
So dear readers. Those are just a few lessons in life that I have been reminded of by the squirrels outside my window. As the seasons change, the trees will start to let go of their leaves. The view outside my window will evolve. I look ahead to seeing how the squirrels adapt. Stay tuned for more messages from “Squirrel TV”. Till next time……
August is coming to a close and September will soon be here. For most of us, September is like the start of a new year. Even though we are no longer in school, we still feel that anticipation of starting fresh. I often want to go to the stationary store and get a new pen or coloured pencils and a notebook. Not this year though. For some unknown reason, my September excitement is a bit lacklustre. I am glad the hot weather is coming to an end and look forward to the fall colours. Still, something is just not right. I can’t put my finger on it.
I have tried the old standbys like looking at my wardrobe. Maybe I will get something new to spruce it up. Or perhaps I will add something new to my home. I have even considered repotting my plants that look overgrown in their smallish pots. Still my get up and go has got up and went.
There is nothing I need or really want right now. Everything works well in my life and I have a circle of friends who I love and adore. My health is good, all things considered ,and so I wonder where I am I heading?
I don’t usually watch television, in fact I don’t even own one. I just stream what I want to watch at the time on my laptop computer. This week though I found myself watching the speeches at the Democratic Convention in the US on YouTube. Michelle Obama and Kamala Harris really took a hold of me. It was not just what they had to say but how they presented it. Their hearts were blazing and their words were so steady and emphatic. I wanted to speak like them. I wanted to stand before a crowd of people. I wanted to say what my heart and soul is so longing to share. The problem is I have no idea what that is. Or maybe I do.
I am a seventy year old woman who has seen a lot in life. I have raised two beautiful children and have five gorgeous grandchildren. My children’s partners are as much family to me as if I gave birth to them myself. I am blessed with a lovely sister who is two years younger than me and her husband and three sons. My family is small and full of love. There is so much I appreciate and am grateful for. My challenge now is looking outside myself and my own individual life. I need to see beyond what is right in front of me.
I have been on the receiving end of so much generosity over the past several years. I have done my best to contribute to the circle of life around me. Still I feel I need and want to do more with the energy I have. The big question is where do I start? I used to think my writing was a way for me to touch the world. Is that enough though? Is there more I am being called to bestow upon the world? Have I already experienced and been offered everything I need? These are all good questions.
I am not interested in seeking out my “purpose” or wondering about the “gifts” I have to offer. It is more than that. I am looking for a way into that arena. Crowds are forming there. The hope for a better world is being generated. I want to be a part of that. It is happening, not just in the USA, all around the world. Women, men and children and being called up to counter act the cruelty and divisiveness in the world. We are a Global community that is struggling to find the heart and soul of each others kindness and resilience. We are standing up for justice and shining a light on the inequalities that are so apparent. We are looking for leaders who can show us the way. We are also looking into our own hearts and wondering where we are being called to serve.
I have physical limitations that make it difficult for me to reach out beyond my own community. Yet, I am feeling called to be part of something bigger. It is more powerful than any of us has seen or experienced in our lifetime. It goes beyond feminism, civil rights, reconciliation, land treaties, and environmental concerns. It is a global movement. It is so powerful and invasive that the people in power now are flexing their muscles trying to stop it. Wars are erupting to push down the ground swell. Crowds are gathering to express their displeasure with what has been a put down for so many generations. Our education system, health care system, and political foundations are being rocked to the core. This happens to make room for something new and very different.
I feel this in my bones and quite frankly I am not sure where to go with it. I pray every day and night for some sort of guidance. Perhaps in my asking I will find the answers one step at a time. I feel the embrace of a new world order emerging ever so slowly and deliberately.
In 1972 I was a student at George Brown College in Toronto. I was elected to be the chair of the Human Relations Club by a group of my peers. Eighty percent of the student body on campus that year were foreign students or were there for Manpower retraining. I came from a white Anglo Saxon, protestant, privileged background. I was very much in the minority which was a different and humbling experience for me. One of my professors, John McRae, suggested that our group adopt a multi-culture theme for the year. He believed it was necessary as there was so much divisiveness among the student body. It was a mini world. Pakistani students were fighting with Indian Students. Black Students were forming their own Black Student Union. Chinese Students were segregating themselves. And on and on. I was young. I was naive. I believed that we could all come together in peace and harmony. This would happen if we would just learn to understand and respect each other.
So I met with each of the student groups. I somehow convinced them that we would sponsor one group a month to present their culture to the student body. Each student group was allotted a month. They educated the rest of the population about their country of origin and culture. They each accepted the proposal and each month we learned about each other. There were fashion shows, history lessons, food presentations and readings. At the end of the year, we had a multi-cultural festival. It was so well attended. The festival ended with a big dance. Everyone gathered together in peace and harmony. It was my dream come true.
I remember entering the room of the Black Student Union meeting. I was there to do my presentation. I was the only white person in the room. It was terrifying for me as I was not sure how I would be received. This group was very militant at the time. It was a good to experience what the black people had been living with for generations and still are. I understood at some level what they were fighting for. Thankfully I was received with open hearts and minds. The student body did a great job presenting their various cultures. Some were from Jamaica and other Caribbean Islands, others were from Nigeria and different African countries. The Latin American countries were also represented in their own way as were the Asian countries.
All this to say that nearly fifty-two years later I feel the resurgence of that multi-cultural enthusiasm. I feel the excitement of those early September days in a new way now. I was too young to understand it at the time. Though I did appreciate it. Now things have changed a lot in the world since then. I have grown up and seen some horrific examples of prejudice and cruelty. That year at George Brown College, we all came together to learn about one another. We eventually gained so much love and respect for one another. It gave me hope for a better world and future. It still does. That night at the dance I was blessed to see young women and men of all races dancing together. There was no thought of the colour of each other’s skin. We did not care about our cultural origins. We were all just students learning to get along with one another. It was one of the greatest years of my life. Thank you, John McRae, for giving me the opportunity to lead with my heart. I was surrounded by so many interesting people. I learned so much from you and from them.
From the time I was a little girl I have had a fascination with angels. I watched so many movies about angels and always loved the idea that there are angels out there somewhere looking out for us. When my daughter was born my son picked out a beautiful Angel tree topper to put on our Christmas tree because his sister was born just six days before Christmas. We lovingly referred to her as our Christmas Angel. The tree topper was always the last thing to go on our Christmas tree each year. Somehow having that angel looking out from the top the tree always made me feel good like she was a part of us.
I used to have a whole collection of little angels that sat on the windowsill in my apartment in Victoria, BC. Some were made of pottery, others were china and there was one little one that was actually a place card holder made of stainless steel with a brass halo. I think two of them were salt and pepper shakers. I can’t quite remember. Often I imagined each of the little angels had their own personality and I would talk with them. As with so many of my things, they were passed on to others when I made the move from BC to Ontario. The Angel that hung on my door came with me though. Her name is Agnes. She comes out every year at Christmas to welcome people into my home. I think my daughter still has the Christmas Angel tree topper.
Moving into my elder years I have developed a deeper appreciation for the angelic realm. I know now that angels really do exist because I have encountered them. Some of us even know people who we believe to be “Earth Angels” or angels who have come to Earth to help spread love and peace in a very chaotic world.
Regardless of whether you believe in angels or not I have no doubt you have had an experience of someone, an acquaintance or total stranger perhaps, who has offered you a special kindness that you were not expecting and left you feeling touched in a truly meaningful way.
These encounters are not always big moments. Perhaps someone whose path you crossed just took a moment to look you in the eye and smile at you as they passed by, wishing you a good day. Somehow that moment made an otherwise tough day better and you felt seen and deeply touched to your core. Has that ever happened to you?
I remember being at the grocery store one day and the woman behind me paid for my groceries, just because. As far as I know, she had no way of knowing that I only had a little bit of money and was hoping it was enough to cover the cost. I had picked everything carefully and added up the cost before heading to the check out. Perhaps I looked anxious as the cashier rang everything in, I don’t know. For all intents and purposes I could have been just fine to pay for my own groceries and yet she decided to do a good deed for another human being that day and I just happened to be on the receiving end. Was she an Earth Angel? I don’t know. Did she read my mind? Again, I don’t know still I felt blessed.
What I do know for sure is there are people who make it their mission in life to spread love and offer peace to their fellow human beings and if that makes them an angel then so be it. Either way it is a wonderful experience to be in their company and be on the receiving end of their generosity.
For me being kind and generous is a way of loving and offering the peace that passes all understanding to the world around me. I trust that where there is compassion love follows. We can all be more mindful of the beings around us and be more present to their goodness even if we have to look a little deeper sometimes.
So wherever you are right now, dear reader I am curious to know if you have had experiences with angels or perhaps you are one yourself. Feel free to tell me about it in the comments below if you would like to. Thank you for reading and considering the possibility of Angels among us. Have a great day.
I have developed a love affair with baseball. About four years ago I began watching baseball with my then roommate. She was and still is an avid Blue Jays fan. Every night we would watch the games together in the summer and I learned about baseball from her. I got to know the players and who was good and well liked by the fans. I also got to know the other teams and how competitive this game really is.
After a while I began to form my own opinions and favourites based on personality and performance. I became a Blue Jays fan myself and am still, to this day, loyal to my team. Growing up in Toronto it only made sense.
When I moved out on my own two years later I missed my baseball time and began watching it on my own. There was something about the game that drew me in. I like it because it is slow and strategic and there is no fighting among the teams, at least hardly ever.
The more I watched the game the more I see how the strategies get played out and how players get to know how to respond to the pitches and work together to score runs or defend against them. I now have so much respect for both the offensive side and the defensive side of the game though I am just a junior when it comes to my knowledge of either side.
Metaphor for Life
Baseball, in my mind, is a good metaphor for life. When we come up to bat we are at home plate and sometimes we hit a home run and sometimes we strike out. Either way where we start is called home. When we hit the homer we make our way around the bases as fast as we can until we are back home again. When we strike out we leave home and go back to the dugout to contemplate our last move and how we could have done better until it is time to go home again.
Other times we hit the ball just hard enough to make it to first base or if we are lucky to second or third on the first hit. Then we wait for someone else to come to bat and hit us home. Isn’t that a lot like life? We all start from some place called home and then we make our way back independently running as fast as we can or strolling around the bases with a little help from our family and friends. Sometimes we are left on the base and don’t make it back right away so we have to start over.
I have had my fair share of home runs in my life starting new projects and then working as hard as I can to bring the project home. Just like in baseball where the playing fields change, we move around and we have to get used to the new terrain. Some people work the same job and for the same company their whole career. I know people who retired after 40 years from the same company and lived in the same house which they bought and paid for with the wages they earned. Retirement for them was going home and not coming back to work.
For me though, I did similar work for lots of different organizations. I always started at home office or home plate and worked my way around the organization helping them set up systems and clear administrative structures that worked to keep the ball in play. When the game was completed I moved on. I never stayed with one team for long.
I moved around a lot in my life. I had several different homes that suited my needs at the time. I learned to play different positions and how to be a good leader as well as team player. I could pick up the slack at new positions and learned to see the field from different perspectives.
Sometimes, though, life throws you a curve ball and you either hit it and make it to the next base or you miss it and have to try again.
Building Community and Team Spirit
I was once offered an incredible opportunity to work on a pilot project helping young adults make the transition from school life to community living. These young people had various forms of intellectual challenges and needed special accommodations to be able to work or volunteer in the community. What made this project so special was that it was based on individualized funding and specialized programming so that I could go out into the community and find places for them to be of service based on their individual interests and dreams. I had ten clients who I worked with and at the end of the first year they were all working or volunteering in a community organization where they felt they belonged and where their gifts and talents were honoured and appreciated. They were all happy.
After having such success with the first group I looked forward to the next year and another group of young people coming through the program. Sadly though, the provincial government did not see the need for such a program to continue and decided to incorporate the work we did into a more generic program which was cheaper and where everyone was lumped together into workshops and government funded group activities. I was offered a new contract at $15,000 less than my original contract to work with the same people while I watched their dreams being squashed before my eyes. I said no and went back to the dugout to find my way back to home plate. Before I left though the young adults and their families had a farewell party for me and told me how much they appreciate the work we did together. They knew I respected them and they in turn respected me. For me that was my own personal home run.
Team Building and Commitment
Having worked for many different organizations in different capacities all to do with office administration, human resources and sometimes social networking or community development, I have learned the benefits of working independently as well as in a team environment.
Now that I am retired I spend my time in the stands observing and watching the games being played from a spectators perspective. My role in the game of life is to cheer on those who are still running the bases, managing the teams and keeping the games going.
I watch and support my children raise their children and support their spouses. I spend time with my friends and peers making our way through life supporting organizations that we believe in.
When and where possible we are out on the front lines advocating for a better world for our grandchildren and all children to grow up in. We volunteer in and support community organizations that we believe in. We may be in the bleachers still we are participating in the game because without the spectators there is no game.
So dear readers whether you see the metaphor the way I do or whether you even like or know anything about baseball may you know that what ever position you play or however your participate you are part of the team we call the human race and your role is important.
This past month I have had the great pleasure of meeting up with some dear friends I have known most of my life. One woman was my best friend all through elementary school. She lived just around the corner from me and we went to the same church. We sang in the girls choir together and went skiing almost every weekend in the winter with her mother. We made memories that lasted a lifetime and have watched each other grow up and move through life. We don’t see each other often and when we do it is easy and seamless. We just pick up where we left off.
Another friend and I also met in public school. We share memories and similar life experiences of growing up in the same public school and having mutual friends. We lost touch with one another for several years and then reconnected on FaceBook. It was such a thrill to meet up and discover that the friendship and connection was still there. This past weekend I met her in Toronto and we had a great conversation about family and how we now interact with our grown up children. We talked about living in Toronto in the “good old days” when we knew all the artistic venues. We share a love of art.
I also met up with a friend in Toronto who I have known since my teen years when I dated his brother. We have been connected ever since. We have a lot in common and share many family stories and history together. We have grown up and grown older through the years and seen each other go through many life changes. We have stayed in touch and loved each other through it all. He knows my children and that gives me a warm feeling in my heart because I know how much he cares about me and them. We sat on a bench by the waterfront and just chatting with one another watching the boats go by. It was so nice to be able to “just be” together without any particular agenda.
I realized today that there is a lot of value in having friends who have known you most of your life. You know they know you in ways that newer friends don’t. We have been witness to the struggles of each others lives as well as the many joys and celebrations. We have shared with each other the deep dark secrets that live in our hearts and that we only trust with a select few.
I have had an adventurous life moving around to various places throughout the country. Still somehow via internet and yes sometimes snail mail and telephone, I have managed to stay in touch with many friends across this land. I am blessed with a community of support that offer me much in the way of good memories, lots of laughter and the making of new memories.
I value all my friends, new and old, and am so grateful for the connection we have. I love being part of their lives and also having them in mine. We form a circle of trust that offers us all a bond of loving friendship that not everyone is privileged to have. I don’t take any of it for granted and do my best to stay in touch with as many of them as possible as often as I can.
So dear readers I hope you find yourself in a circle of trusted friends who know and love you just the way you are. Friends you can laugh with and cry with when you need to. Friends who will hold your hand and give you the support and encouragement you need. Most importantly may you be that kind of friend for others and in the end know how to be your own best friend.
The Pillow Philosopher 