Tag: aging

Finding Beauty in Autumn: Life Lessons from Nature

It has been a while since I have written anything here and now Autumn is upon us. We had a very long and often hot summer. I was surrounded by luscious green lawns and beautiful gardens filled with rich colours that made my heart sing.

Now I am watching the life force in the plants slowly return to the Earth. Leaves are turning colour and gently falling to the ground. Orchards are filled with people picking fruits from the trees. Farmers are harvesting corn, squash and pumpkins from the fields. Those who love to can and preserve are making chili sauce and various jams and jellies. The farmer’s markets are loaded with fresh produce from their fields and gardens. Those of us who live in small apartments gain from the bounty of their harvest. There is nothing like a pan of fresh roasted vegetables to warm the heart and soul.

I spent a good deal of my time alone this summer and took the opportunity to do a life review. Looking not just to the past or out into the future but at the here and now. Where am I now? Where are we all at this moment in time. I am in the autumn of my life. What does that mean exactly? To me it means capturing the life force within me. Finding the fruits of my own labours. I am sharing what I have discovered over the years. I pay close attention to the lessons learned from poor choices made along the way. No one gets through life without a few hard knocks now and then. Still what I know for sure is my life is full of examples of Love leading the way.

I have always been a peace maker/keeper at heart. I lead with my heart and speak sincerely from what I know to be true for me. I have lived with a hearing impairment for over fifty years. I have also learned to listen with my whole self, not just my ears. I pay attention to body language, physical surroundings and follow my intuition when it gives a clear message. I also use my head to carefully analyze a situation when required before making any decisions or comments. The last piece of advice my mother gave me before she left this world was “Follow your heart.” But she also said, “Don’t lose your head!” She always thought I was too soft. She believed I was wishy washy and sat on the fence. She advised that I should state my opinion strongly like she always did. Her favourite saying was “I mean what I say and say what I mean!” Sometimes what she had to say was mean and still she stood by it. Mostly, though she was right more often than not.

Still for me, I see great value in seeing all sides of a story. Finding the common ground is important before expressing an opinion. My style of leadership is to listen twice as much as I speak. If I don’t have anything to say that will add to the conversation then I just listen until I do. This is particularly true now that I am living in the autumn of my life.

The beauty of autumn is that all the rich green of new life matures. It becomes vibrant colours of brown, orange, yellow and red. Eventually, it joins the Earth to break down and enrich the soil with its nutrients. This becomes fodder for micro organisms that work to break it down so that new life will emerge from it.

Our life experience becomes the nutrients that make up the wisdom of our elder years. We need to live long enough for it to build up. It must then be broken down into micro organisms of thoughts and knowledge. I am just now starting to glean the wisdom of my years of life experience. I see the beauty in living a long life. It allows me to understand what I have been through. I also see what I learned from it. Now is the time to nurture that and also to share it with others. That is why I write and tell stories. I offer what I can when I can. This happens when I am in conversation with family, friends, and others I meet along the way.

This is a wonderful time of year and time of life. It is not about losing life force energy. It is about the life force being transformed into a new form of life. This new form lives on in all its richness.

Posted on by Beth 3

Finding Peace in Quiet Summer Days

The summer is well underway and life is very quiet for me these days.  What I mean by that is there is not much I feel like doing.  I am taking the summer “off”. I spend hours scrolling on my phone or IPAD.  It is a constant companion as I train my brain with word games, online card games and connecting with “friends” on Facebook.  I have been considering giving it all up for the summer and just being quiet with no technical distractions.  Then I question whether I can actually do it.  It has become such a strong habit that I wonder if it would qualify as an addiction.  Or is it just how I companion myself?

The truth is summers have always been quiet for me ever since I can remember.  I spent a lot of time on my own feeling bored when I was young. My friends were often away at family cottages or on family road trips while my family stayed home.  One summer I worked as a Mother’s Helper and went to their cottage with them.  As a teenager I got a summer job working at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE) in Toronto for two weeks at the end of August till Labour Day.  I worked at a booth in the Better Living Building for a company called GH Wood where they displayed a million dollars in cash.  They were actually a company that made and sold cleaning products which is why they were in the Better Living building.  It was a boring job just standing there in some silly costume for six hours at a time but it gave me pocket money which I enjoyed having.  I had fun talking with the security guards who were there to protect the money.

For a few years in my early teens, my family rented a cottage in Sudbury Ontario for the summer.  Who goes to Sudbury for the summer?  Nobody I knew.  It was ok I guess as I did make some friends there and we got to go water skiing and surfboarding when our friends Stella and Jack came to visit with their boat.

The truth is I always had very little energy to do much in the summer especially when it was hot out.  That didn’t change as I got older.  In fact, it actually got worse.   As I aged I felt less and less like doing much of anything in the summer.  I have accepted that and have learned to enjoy it.  

What I love doing now is to watch baseball on TV.  The Toronto Blue Jays are like family to me.  I watch them and cheer them on as if they were all my sons.  It seems crazy to me that I enjoy the game so much still they are good company for me on a very quiet Sunday afternoon.

I sometimes feel sad and lonely on weekends, especially Sundays because I have always thought of it as family day.  Growing up I spent Sunday afternoons with my family and watching golf on TV with my dad. That is if I wasn’t having a nap.   Mom always made a good Sunday supper and we all gathered around the table together sometimes with special guests joining us.  In the summer dad would always barbecue. 

The hard part now is there is no one to remember those stories with or tell them too.  My sister who lives miles away is often busy with her family on Sundays and my kids have their own lives to live. Writing the stories is not the same as telling them around the dinner table, still I am doing my best to write them down.

When I was married Sunday was a work day.  My husband, a minister, would work in the morning and then often sleep on the sofa in afternoon. If he had people he had to visit in hospital, then he would head out.  I tried to get in the habit of making a good Sunday supper like my mom did.  Still I was on my own a lot with the kids, unless they were out playing with their friends, then I was just on my own. I didn’t always want to cook a big dinner.  It was a lonely time for me during those days when we lived far away from family.  When we moved back to our home town my in-laws often hosted Sunday suppers and it was a command performance for all the kids.  We were expected to show up and dress up.  My mother in law said if she was going to go to the trouble of making a nice dinner and setting a nice table then we could put some effort into dressing for the occasion — Sunday best.  Summer time was considered dress casual.

I now no longer plan things for after church on Sunday.  In fact, I enjoy that quiet time where I can read and perhaps even enjoy an afternoon nap.  Sunday suppers are no longer big meals unless I am invited out.  It is more like grazing all afternoon while watching baseball.  I wonder how many others who are older like me take a break from cooking on Sunday?

Being quiet by myself with time on my own in the summer is something I am practising and getting comfortable with.  There are days I simply let the time pass without really accomplishing much and that is ok because being present to what is in my day to day living gives me a sense of purpose. I am so grateful for all that I have. I am happy to have a lovely home to be in. I am thankful for a healthy body and for all the times I do spend with my family either in person or on the phone. I feel lonely and bored sometimes and that is ok too. I can change that anytime I choose to. I appreciate that the connection and love I have with my family and friends is much more than so many people have.

I have learned to make peace with loneliness by spending time quietly on my own. I enjoy my own company and the tranquility of these restful summer days. Being bored is just another way of saying I want to engage more with life. Figuring out how to do that is my Spiritual work. Is summer a busy time for you or are you taking time out from your busy lives to be quiet and rest?

Posted on by Beth 1

Waiting: A Journey through Darkness to Light

There are days when the skies are filled with clouds and the sun is hidden behind them.  Some days are darker than others, still when the clouds disappear the sun shines forth and I am lifted up. I am sure many of us are.

What does that mean exactly, lifted up!  Well to me it means seeing something beyond the obvious.  It means allowing the darkness to be illuminated and the wisdom of my heart to be seen and felt within my very being.

Now this is not just a physical phenomenon it is a spiritual experience.  It can happen in the darkest hours of the night or on a cold and snowy day when the winds are blowing so hard you can barely see two feet in front of you.

How and why is this such an enlightened experience then?  Do we have to be experiencing the “dark night of the soul” in order to recognize the wisdom that shines through that darkness?  Or is it something we can access anytime anywhere we choose to?  This is question mystics have been asking and answering for centuries.  We are all Spiritual beings first and foremost and so when we can find our way to trusting in that knowing then we are on our way home. 

Shining a light into the darkest regions of our hearts can be difficult at best and darn right impossible at the very least.  Often we don’t even know where those dark corners are hiding until we come up against a memory or a physical sensation that tells us we have landed on something that needs to be addressed.   What I know from my own experience is when I shine a light in those regions of my being I am not doing it alone.  I have experienced more than once the hand of what I call God taking my hand and leading me as well as comforting me along the way.

It is not always easy to explain what this looks or feels like for me, still I know it to be true.  I can shift my thoughts away from sorrow and sadness to love and compassion on the turn of a dime if I am connecting in that moment.  It is not always that easy though.  Still at times it can be.  Learning the process of mindfulness is one of the best ways I know of to shift gears and learn how to be present with all that is presenting itself in any given moment.

Still there are many moments when my heart is aching and my mind is telling me that I have every reason to be sad, angry or disappointed.  It is in those moments that I need to take a step back and look at myself from the perspective of one who is witnessing myself in pain.  It is not a problem to be solved.  It is simply an observation of something that is happening in the moment.  Sometimes it only takes a few minutes for me to see myself in a different light.  Other times it takes days even months to move through that dark time and find the light on the other side.

This is the value and joy of having a human experience.  To be able to eventually shift our way of seeing what is before us and finding the diamonds sparkling in the sawdust of all that has been working away at us over time.  Psychologists may argue that the dark regions are there because of the negative experiences we have had up until that moment we see them differently.  They may be right.  I have had many experiences that I have reframed over my lifetime and others that I can not let go of.  They are painfully resting in my heart waiting for me to let go and let God take them over.  

Hanging on to such negativity is, in a way, a form of self protection.  As long as I remember what it feels like to be so hurt or angry or even fearful then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again.  If only that were true.  The reality is that as long as I hang on to all the pain I am only reliving the original experience over and over again.  So I am learning more and more how to live in the now and live through the pain until it is no longer hurting me.  It becomes a story that I can tell and has no particular affect on how I am feeling now.  This is something that I truly believe comes with the aging process.  It is a way of looking at the world and my life in context of what is now rather than what was then.

I learned to be more consciously aware of my human shortcomings when I was caring for my aging mother and my young children.  My mother talked over and over again about all the ways she was hurt in the past by family members.  She could not let it go and so everyone around her was forced to listen to her ongoing rhetoric about all the times she was ignored or left with no support when she was going through difficult times. Finally she cut herself off from her family all together.  At the end of her life, my sister and I were the only ones left who she was talking to and our children of course.  

As I age I am determined not to be the same way with my family members.  I am not sure how successful I am in that regard still I am doing my best to be present to what is now and to take responsibility for whatever I am feeling at any given point in time.  

Being an aging parent I hold a certain expectation of my children which they may or may not be able to live up to.  They don’t know what those expectations are neither do I know what their expectations are of me.  Unless we have the conversation which for us is damn hard I may go to my grave wondering what I could have done differently or how I would liked to have been treated differently.  

Ultimately, it is for us to make peace within ourselves and leave no stone unturned until we are assured that we have done the very best we could at any given point in time.  By then the light will shine for us in all the corners of our hearts so that Love can prevail above all else.  That is how I want to leave this world some day.

Posted on by Beth 5

Managing Hearing Loss: A Personal Journey

I am in my seventies now and I encounter a lot of people who admit they are living with some degree of hearing impairment as I am. Many have chosen to get hearing aids to help them manage conversations better. Others get along without the use of any form of aid. They choose this option mostly because they are not ready, not because they could not benefit from them. Others have tried them and just don’t like them for various reasons. If you are one of the lucky ones who has exceptional hearing then I am happy for you. Your ears and brain are still functioning at the top of your game.

Hearing loss is most often gradual and for some of us that means the people around us usually notice before we do that we are not hearing as well as we used to. We gradually learn to adapt by lip reading or other methods of communication. So we think we are doing fine. The truth is most of us are not. We are just working harder than we need to and are exhausting our nervous systems in the process. Living alone we often don’t notice that the tv or radio is on louder than it used to be. Even when we live with someone we blame them for mumbling or talking at us from another room.

Early Diagnosis

I have been hard of hearing since I was eighteen years old. The doctor told me then I had the hearing of someone in their sixties. It has been gradually getting worse since then. I got my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-two. Thus began my life long journey of learning how to adapt and hear and communicate in a world that is not user friendly for the hard of hearing. Loud noises or even music playing in the background can interfere with how hard someone has to work to listen. I must say though that technology has really improved over the decades and I am doing better now than I did in my thirties even though I hear less.

I have had years to study how the loss of hearing can affect my ability to socialize. For years I did not go to the movies because I missed too much of the dialogue and the background sound effects are too loud. I only went to foreign films with sub-titles. Now there is a device some theatres offer called Rearview Captioning that you can borrow. It goes in the cup holder and shows the subtitles under the screen. It works great. Now I can go to movies again.

When watching television I always have the closed captioning on or I don’t watch it at all. I lived without a television for more than ten years. I also avoided large gatherings of people for a long time because it was too hard to hear when I engaged in conversation. Sometimes I would go but would then sit quietly by myself just observing what was happening around me and usually people didn’t seem to notice. So even though I was out and about and trying to socialize with my friends or engage in the world, I often felt isolated and alone in the crowd. Eventually I made sure I did more one on one activities because that was easier for me to manage.

Ways We Adapt

What I have observed recently is how well I have adapted by learning all sorts of responses to give when I don’t really understand what someone has said to me without cutting off the conversation. I might say something like “that’s interesting or right or that makes sense….” The other person carries on talking assuming I am understanding them and I just sit quietly and “listen” as hard as I can to what they are saying hoping I will understand enough and have something equally as engaging to share when it is my turn to speak.

This is a learned behaviour that has developed over a long period of time. Listening is really hard work for someone with a hearing impairment, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or ability to focus that long. So we learn to fake it or isolate ourselves so we don’t have to and that can get lonely. Most of us take longer to process information so long periods of silence in between sharing information is so helpful. In todays world though I have noticed that silence makes people uncomfortable. So they try to fill it up by talking more.

My granddaughter asked me a few months ago “Nana why do you say ‘right’ so much when I am talking to you?” That was the first time I was aware I was doing it and at the time I didn’t know why I did. So after observing my behaviour I came to realize it was because I didn’t understand everything she was saying to me still I wanted to acknowledge her. I have learned over the years that most people do not like having to repeat themselves if you let them know you did not understand what they said. Often they will just say “never mind it’s not important” which cuts the conversation short and leaves the listener feeling left out.

Challenges Along the Way

Many people speak very quickly and often cover their mouths with their hands or turn their face so the listener can’t see them. Children have higher pitched voices and talk quickly going from one subject to another which often makes it hard to follow. I have tried my best to remind my grandchildren to face me when they talk with me and also to speak more slowly so I can understand everything they say because what they tell me is important to me. I did the same with my children when they were growing up. The truth is I am the one doing most of the adapting. Most of my friends and even my family have a hard time remembering I am hearing impaired. My own mother told me once I never think about it. You always do so well. Yes I do and it is very hard work sometimes.

Like most things in life change is gradual as we get older. Our bodies slow down and we learn to take things at a steady pace. Many of my friends who now have the experience of not understanding or hearing as well as they were used to are saying to me “how did you do it for all those years?”. I tell them that is a very good question. The answer is I learned to listen with my whole self – not just my ears. I developed a keen sense of observation and learned to put things in context so I could fill in the gaps. I also developed my intuition so that I could figure out what someone was talking about. I am a good listener and I listen a lot to other people. My heart is always open so what I don’t understand with my head I can feel in my heart and I respond as best I can.

The Gift of Silence and Solitude

Some of my closest companions over the years have been authors of books that I have read. When I find myself alone, not ready to venture out into the world I choose to be quiet at home with a good book. It is often one written by someone and about something I can relate to. It helps me feel connected and not so isolated and alone. I refer to my books as my friends because the words that they contain offer solace to my soul when I need it most.

I found myself wanting to pull back more and more these past few months and I wrote about it recently. What I was noticing was that my hearing was getting worse and I was more and more tired after I was in a group setting. I saw my audiologist today and she confirmed for me what I had suspected. I have lost more hearing. So she adjusted my hearing aids and hopefully that will help improved things for me when it comes to understanding and taking part in social activities. Still I am aware that the fatigue is a side affect of hearing impairment and I must take time out in silence to restore my energy and not over task my nervous system.

If you can relate to any of what I am sharing here then I encourage you to take time to regroup and if you haven’t already done so get your hearing checked. Taking care of our bodies so that we can live a rich and vibrant life is key to our well being.

Posted on by Beth 4

Confessions of a Caregiver

I have been reading a lot about caregiver burnout lately. I have friends who have people in their lives who they are caring for. I hear them tell me it is more and more difficult to keep going because they too are tired and need help themselves. Still being a dedicated caregiver means they carry on because there are no real alternatives unless there is money available to invest in paid service providers. Even then if they have the resources the demand is getting greater and the supply is limited. Not everyone has the extra money to spend though. So many caregivers are putting their own health at risk while caring for someone else in their family or a dear friend. Community resources are very limited right now and in some cases long wait lists are a barrier to getting the support needed.

All this can also lead to elder abuse which is also an even bigger problem in our communities right now. As a growing population of seniors age and become more and more isolated from family and friends they are at greater risk of being ignored and neglected. Many of them have lost interest and live with severe depression or worse, dementia. They are not able to access the supports they need or even to ask for help. It is a very sad reflection on how our society views the important role our elders can play in our society.

As we age, more and more demand is put on self care as the only means to continue living with dignity. What if you are a single woman, living independently. What if you have chronic medical conditions such as diabetes, hearing loss, arthritis and diet sensitivities such as dairy or gluten. What if you are living on a very low fixed income and are doing everything you can to manage your finances.

I confess that I am living with all those conditions and more. Sometimes I feel burned out. Taking care of myself is a full time job. There are days when I just want to quit the job and find a better one that is more fun. If only that were possible…hahaha…. By the time I take care of myself, my finances, and my home I have very little reserves left for other things.

So what I am learning in this process?

  • I am learning to be very grateful for my body that carries me through life relatively pain free rather than bemoaning it.
  • I am learning to be grateful for the amazing care team of doctors who monitor my health conditions and help me to stay on track. So many of my friends who are in similar situations are not so lucky.
  • I am being reminded that if I want to have fun I need to find it in the process of my daily living
  • I am looking to find a hobby that I can do at home on a tight budget that is fun for me to do
  • I am learning to do things slowly and steadily until everything is taken care of
  • I am learning to keep reaching out to my friends and staying in contact with my family
  • I am learning that taking a day off to just rest and restore from time to time is good self care
  • I am learning that having a Spiritual practice really helps me stay focused and present in the now
  • I am learning to laugh at and with myself more when I hear myself whining or complaining and to give myself more love

So dear readers whether you are a caregiver for someone else or for yourself or both, take time out to be grateful and kind to yourself. Learn to laugh at the antics of your wounded self and to love yourself even more because you are so worth it. If you are aware of a senior living alone take a minute to check in on them from time to time. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you can make all the difference.

Have a great day!

Posted on by Beth 4

Thriving in Senior Years: Embracing Life’s Challenges with Resilience and Love

This summer I have had a renewed faith in life.  I have crossed over a threshold.   While entering a new decade I have grown more in tune with my own inner guidance system.   That gives me reason to be open to what is unfolding for me and trusting that no matter what transpires I am up for it.

My faith and belief in a higher power has provided me with a deep knowing and wisdom that comes from living life each day without fear and giving into the love that is present in and around me.

Questioning My Purpose

There have been times, many times, in my life when I have questioned the purpose and reason for my being here.  Once my children had grown and left the nest and my work life was over I could see very little value in the every day things that made up my life.  In fact it seemed to me to be a chore just to live and that was more of a burden than a gift.

My income has been well below the poverty line most of my life and that has had a huge impact on my world view.  As a woman with a limited education and living with a hearing impairment since my early twenties, I have had to work very hard to keep my head above water.  I have been brave, innovative and adventurous in ways even I marvel at sometimes.  Still I have always been doing what I could to simply survive rather than thrive.

Finding a New Perspective

In my sixties I began to look at life through a different lens and started asking myself important questions about where I could best insert myself so that my years of life experience could be put to good use.   I wanted all that I have lived through to count for something and to offer something to those I met along the way.  I wanted to be the example of what a sense of hope and resilience can look like, knowing  only comes from living through those tough experiences.  I started talking more about my experiences to close friends and even my family.  I stopped holding back and keeping my thoughts to myself.  I shared what I had been through and what I was currently living with.  Then others started sharing with me what they experienced and so the stories unfolded page by page.

Talking to God

I have been on a spiritual journey my entire life.  From a very young age I would talk with God and ask for help and pose questions about things I did not understand. God was never an old man in the sky to me.  God was a part of me that I knew and trusted was somehow connected to something bigger and wiser and knew more than I ever could.  I found I could connect to that power just by closing my eyes and breathing and listening for that still small voice or by talking out loud to whatever I knew that power to be. God didn’t always speak to me in words or in a male voice. I often heard her speak as a woman  especially when I was older. Sometimes I simply had a physical sensation that came over my whole body or a feeling of deep and abiding love that gave me reason to trust all is well no matter how bad things seemed.  My faith in that sometimes overwhelming feeling got me through some very scary times.  My heart got broken sometimes and I made many some bad decisions that cost me dearly along the way, still through it all I knew I was never alone.

Accepting the Changes in My Body

Now I have stepped quietly into the next decade of my seventies and that has given way to some really challenging and unexpected revelations.  Some of my body functions are diminishing and my physical strength is weaker than it was even a few months ago.  I was recently asked by someone older and wiser than me, and who I have a great deal of respect for, whether I choose to push on and through the changes or whether I choose to simply accept them and adjust my life accordingly.

That is a really good question and one I need to sit with because I don’t think there is a simple one answer fits all to the question.  There are some things I know for sure.  I am not an exercise person so going to a class to gain more physical strength is something I choose to avoid.  I choose to get up and move around, to dance to the music that is playing on my bluetooth speaker and walk with my friends and grandchildren.  That is how I keep up my physical strength.  If that is not enough then I will accept that my muscles are getting weaker and adjust myself accordingly.

Pushing Through the Challenges

I used to love cooking and preparing food for myself.  I never liked the clean up part though.  Still I did both because that was the only way I could afford to eat and nourish myself.  Now I live in a tiny studio apartment with a very small kitchen so I have come to accept that food preparation and clean up are both more challenging.  Sometimes I choose to push through this one and find easier ways of preparing my foods.  I no longer make big meals which require lots of dishes to wash and put away.  Simple one dish meals are my go to.  I don’t own a microwave so sometimes I eat leftovers cold.  They taste just as good and there is only one dish to wash.  My food budget does not go as far as it used to, as so many of us are experiencing, still there are times I choose to eat out because I just want someone to serve me.  Accepting that and allowing myself that little bit of luxury now and again has made such a difference in how I feel about nourishing myself.  I haven’t reached the tea and toast stage yet though I can see how that happens.   Fortunately, many of my friends are in the same position so we spend time together enjoying a light meal and each others company.  We encourage each other to just keep on keeping on.  Food security is a huge problem among seniors these days.  Fortunately there are some programs to help us out.

Aging Consciously

These past few months have given me lots to ponder and look at through the lens of Aging Consciously.  Those of my generation are aging and many are doing it in the same way we have lived our lives up until now.  We have been self aware and conscious of the the ways in which we interact in the world so why would any of that change just because we are getting older.  There are so many books written about this very subject and so many memoirs are being written to give meaning to our lives.  We are reading them because we want to see how others have lived and are aging as well as to see ourselves in the mirror of those pages.

Not everyone is cut out to be a writer or an artist or playwright or filmmaker.  Still most of us are cut out to be an audience of such creative endeavours.  I for one am thrilled when I come across a good story about older people especially older women who are finding meaning and purpose in life long into their later years.  It gives me hope for my own future.  As well I think it shows the world that growing older does not mean we have to give up on life.  Our worlds may get smaller as we lose our independence and our minds may get more confused still we are alive and our hearts are pumping blood through our veins.   That must mean we are here for a reason.   Maybe our purpose is to give someone else a reason to care for a fellow human being.  None of us really knows or maybe some us do.  Perhaps the older I get the clearer that will become.

What I am learning is that we may not know our reason or purpose for being here and it doesn’t really matter because we are here and that means we need to simply enjoy even the most mundane things in life.  We are here as a testament of a life lived through decades of change and sometimes struggle and those who really see us can bear witness to that fact, even total strangers.   

Love has brought us into this world and Love will take us out when it is time.  For now though what  I know for sure is LIFE IS WORTH LIVING everyday.

Posted on by Beth 5

The Value of Lifelong Friendships: Cherishing Old and New Bonds

This past month I have had the great pleasure of meeting up with some dear friends I have known most of my life. One woman was my best friend all through elementary school. She lived just around the corner from me and we went to the same church. We sang in the girls choir together and went skiing almost every weekend in the winter with her mother. We made memories that lasted a lifetime and have watched each other grow up and move through life. We don’t see each other often and when we do it is easy and seamless. We just pick up where we left off.

Another friend and I also met in public school. We share memories and similar life experiences of growing up in the same public school and having mutual friends. We lost touch with one another for several years and then reconnected on FaceBook. It was such a thrill to meet up and discover that the friendship and connection was still there. This past weekend I met her in Toronto and we had a great conversation about family and how we now interact with our grown up children. We talked about living in Toronto in the “good old days” when we knew all the artistic venues. We share a love of art.

I also met up with a friend in Toronto who I have known since my teen years when I dated his brother. We have been connected ever since. We have a lot in common and share many family stories and history together. We have grown up and grown older through the years and seen each other go through many life changes. We have stayed in touch and loved each other through it all. He knows my children and that gives me a warm feeling in my heart because I know how much he cares about me and them. We sat on a bench by the waterfront and just chatting with one another watching the boats go by. It was so nice to be able to “just be” together without any particular agenda.

I realized today that there is a lot of value in having friends who have known you most of your life. You know they know you in ways that newer friends don’t. We have been witness to the struggles of each others lives as well as the many joys and celebrations. We have shared with each other the deep dark secrets that live in our hearts and that we only trust with a select few.

I have had an adventurous life moving around to various places throughout the country. Still somehow via internet and yes sometimes snail mail and telephone, I have managed to stay in touch with many friends across this land. I am blessed with a community of support that offer me much in the way of good memories, lots of laughter and the making of new memories.

I value all my friends, new and old, and am so grateful for the connection we have. I love being part of their lives and also having them in mine. We form a circle of trust that offers us all a bond of loving friendship that not everyone is privileged to have. I don’t take any of it for granted and do my best to stay in touch with as many of them as possible as often as I can.

So dear readers I hope you find yourself in a circle of trusted friends who know and love you just the way you are. Friends you can laugh with and cry with when you need to. Friends who will hold your hand and give you the support and encouragement you need. Most importantly may you be that kind of friend for others and in the end know how to be your own best friend.

Posted on by Beth 1

Memories………

Some of the best memories I have are times spent with two very good friends and a cat that I formed a very special bond with. I have lots of friends and lots of great memories so it is not to take away from any of them. These two people I am writing about today have found a special place in my heart for different reasons. They have both watched me go into my cocoon and emerge through a transformation process that even I don’t fully understand.

Friend and Mentor

My first friend pictured I saw last summer for the first time in four years. She came to visit me with her husband on their travels across Canada and the US. We first met in 2014 when I was still living in Victoria, British Columbia. I was seeking a purpose for my life after being unemployed for almost a year. I was asking myself big questions and wondering what my older years were going to be about. One day I came up with the idea of becoming a sage, whatever that meant. I thought I could somehow become a Wise Elder or Sage. So I Googled Sage and found a book “From Age-ing to Sage-ing – A Revolutionary Approach to Growing Older”. That sounded like a good place to start. This led me to an Organization called Sage-ing International that was founded by the author of the book — Salman Schachter-Shalomi. This organization offers courses, workshops and retreat weekends. It is an international organization with regional contacts. So I wrote to the person for my area. That was my first encounter with my now dear friend Nancy. We met and instantly discovered so many things we had in common. She was easy to talk with. She is older than me and is trained to be a mentor. I enrolled in two of the intensive weekend retreats she was facilitating and I received my certificate. Over the years she has introduced me to others in the organization and I joined a Wisdom Circle that she was leading. This was the beginning of my elder years and was a big turning point for me in my life.

Writing Companion

As our friendship developed Nancy and I became writing partners. We met every two weeks spending time writing alone together. We started with a common prompt and then wrote whatever came to us during a set period of time. When we were done we would share what we had written with one another taking great pleasure in seeing where the prompt led us. One of my favourite memories was the day we chose a prompt I had seen on a website “She was raised in a graveyard by ghosts”. We decided to take ourselves to the local cemetery to write. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day overlooking the ocean. We sat there on our lawn chairs in a grassy opening with our books and pens and wrote for forty-five minutes. The stories that we wrote that day were both humorous and dark in content. It was so much fun. We still laugh about it to this day. Nancy not only became my friend and mentor she became a soul sister. She is someone who I can go months and not talk to and yet we can pick up right where we left off the last time we talked. It is amazing to me how we found each other just because I was curious and seeking some greater purpose to my life.

Old Friend, True Friend

My next friend pictured is someone I have known since elementary school. We grew up in the same neighbourhood and went to the same school. We lost touch over the years and then one day she found me on Facebook and we connected again. It is not often you find someone who has known you for such a long time and can share the old memories of days gone by and at the same time remind you who you are today. Irene is another one of my soul sisters who I share many childhood memories with. She remembers things about me that I had long forgotten and always gives me something to laugh about. One of the things we share is a love of baseball and we have celebrated our friendship at a BlueJays baseball game on more than one occassion. It is so much fun. I can laugh and be so silly with her and at the same time we connect on so many levels. We both love art and she is a wonderful fabric artist as well as visual artist. We complement each other. Again we can go for a long period of time and not see or talk with one another and just pick up where we left off or start fresh with something new.

Feline Friend

Then there is my old buddy Kipper. I spent just over a year looking after him when his parents went away. He was my pal through good times and not so good times. He was another one of my dear friends who supported my writing as well as my Spiritual Journey. When I stayed with him I often felt like I was on retreat in a perfect little cottage. He would curl up on the sofa beside me while I wrote on my laptop. Periodically I would stop and read to him what I had written. Sometimes he would look up and appear to be listening while other times he would simply keep sleeping beside me. Either way I loved his company. When it was his turn to be fed he would get my attention and remind me who was the boss. We had a special understanding. Even though he was not my cat and I only spent time with him periodically there was a bond that we shared and when he left this world at the age of twenty years old I morned his passing. To this day when I visit his parents who are also now my dear friends I miss seeing him coming round the corner or up the stairs to greet me. I have very fond memories of our time together.

And finally …..

There are so many people I could write about who have changed my life and added to my story. I could not be where I am today without all the many friends in my circle who I love and who love me and without my family who I adore and cherish with all of my heart. It has been good for me to write this piece and open the memory banks. I have been feeling very stuck and uninspired for a few months now and somehow today I found the key to open my heart once again. Thanks to all of you who follow me and read these posts. I appreciate your presence and comments. I am not that good and all the technical parts of this website so forgive me if it is hard to find the post. I am working on it.

Posted on by Beth 6

Making Peace with an Aging Body

Photo by Skylar Kang on Pexels.com

Over the past few months I have spent countless hours meeting with medical professionals and discussing various aspects of my aging body. So many parts are showing signs of age and deterioration. Our bodies after all are not meant to last forever. It was discouraging at first and I found my energy got very low. Each thing on its own is not that bad still the cumulative effects of all of them together left me wondering how I was going to cope as things continued to get worse. I am on my own and manage everything in my life alone. I find it takes longer to do everything these days and there is always more to do than I have the energy for. I gave up having a dust free home and perfectly organized space long ago. Now I spend more and more time tending to my body. There is always something that needs to be checked or taken care of.

At the same time, my energy and desire to paint, write, create beautiful things is at an all time high. My mind is always developing new ideas. My Spirit is calling me out to be present and show myself though acts of kindness and spreading love in the world. I am finding even the simplest things take planning and managing. I spent most of my life working as an administrator and office manager and so am well equipped and familiar with time management strategies and ways of accomplishing tasks in the most efficient manner.

At this phase in my life I am not sure that accomplishing tasks is where I am heading. I am more interested in knowing how well we can live together. I am concerned about the state of our human identity and how we communicate with each other or don’t. I began to realize this past week that my body is communicating with me and letting me know where I need to focus my attention right now. All the aches and pains, weaknesses and strengths are part of the aging process. Coming to terms with that means also coming terms with my own mortality. I won’t be here forever. I have already lost parts of my body over the years through surgeries and still my body continues to function and compensate. So learning to accept and make peace with the changes that my body is going through is accepting the limitations that it is now telling me it has. No longer do I “push through” the pain and force myself to do more till I am at the point of exhaustion. I am learning to honour my body and be grateful for all that it is still able to do and the ways it is teaching me to move more slowly through life so that I can see clearly all the intimate details I once rushed by.

I look at myself in the mirror and see the soft giggly parts, the lines carved into my skin, the bags under my eyes and the soft round curves. I see the grey hair the missing eyebrows and the beauty in all of it. It is a magical process to look at the aging body and see it’s beauty and perfect design. It is serving me well and giving me all that I need to be able to enjoy life to its fullest. I am discovering that there is a intrinsic design in the body that allows for some parts of the brain to develop later in life which makes it easier for us to do things. I am learning how to make certain tasks easier by breaking them down into smaller tasks and doing them one step at a time. I have the time now to do that. When I need to rest I do. I have let go of the judgment of myself and just let myself be wherever I am in the moment. Each day is different. That is the beauty of life. Time flows from one day to the next and without any need to see it as a race to the finish line we can simply enjoy the journey.

Yes my body is aging and it is teaching me how to enjoy the simple things in life. To savour each moment and to learn how to play in new ways. Creating a life of pleasure and trusting that no matter how things change there will always be something to be grateful for gives me a sense of peace and satisfaction. My mind may not be able to remember things at times and yet my body has memories that are unique to me and me alone. Making peace with those memories also means making peace with and appreciating all that life has offered me. The more I am in touch with my body the more compassion and kindness I feel for myself and others. We all live in a human body and each one of us has to cope with the aging process in our own way. I am making peace with my aging body.

Posted on by Beth 2

Change in Seasons

Fire in the Belly – artist eahancox

The Fall Equinox is the second day in the year when the balance between light and dark is equal. It is the official change in seasons from summer to fall. The the days will get shorter and the nights longer. I for one always look forward to this time of year. I decided that I am really not a summer person. The fire energy of the sun is too much for me at times and the high temperatures together with the intense humidity do me in every year and even more so as I get older. Fall on the other hand revives my energy and gives me pause to reflect on the long growing season of life and now the days of harvest before the time of hibernation.

Last fall we were all experiencing the first season of isolation and shutdown due to the pandemic. Then winter hit and we were all forced inside hoping things would change and we would be able to get out and see each other again, enjoy a good meal, a concert or gather in each others homes. It never really happened and I for one was ok with it, choosing instead to embrace the time of solitude and delve deep into my own heart listening to the voice that was speaking from the place of wisdom within. I kept a small bubble of friends and family who I was able to see on a regular basis and that seemed to be enough.

At the beginning of September this year, I ventured out into the big city and attended some public art exhibitions. I enjoyed walks along the waterfront in Toronto and visits in outdoor cafes with friends and family. I felt alive in a new way. Perhaps it was because this time the connections meant so much to me. We had been separated for so long and now have a deeper appreciation for what we had been through, both on our own and together as a generation of folks who were struggling to keep family connections going. Many of those connections got lost and perhaps they may have anyway due to age and stage of life. I don’t know. Right now I am so grateful for the heart to heart connections I have with biological family and family of choice.

Last week I suddenly hit a wall as my body began to bark back at me that I needed to move more. I was in a great deal of pain from an injury to my right knee and so I was resting and not walking much. The more I sat the worse the pain got. Knowing that there is often an emotional root cause to physical pain I decided to explore for myself what that may be. After a time of reflection I realized that I was resisting stepping forward into my life. There was something that I wanted to do and was not sure it was possible and so resisted the urge to just do it and let things fall into place. I am missing my family who live in Berlin, Germany. I have a two granddaughters there — one who is eleven years old and one who is four years old. I have yet to meet the four year old. I want to hop on a plane and go there. I want to gather them up in my arms and feel their arms around me. I know there are so many grandmothers and grandfathers out there who are feeling this same longing and grieving the loss of watching their young ones grow up. We have the advantage of technology and yet it is hard to find time and space to connect even with that so we must move forward in new ways.

I also realized that the fall is a time of letting go, of preparing to go into the dark. I personally love the dark and am very at home there. Still the pandemic has made the time of isolation feel different somehow. Soon the outside patios and events will be replaced with inside ones and the opportunities to gather together in safe ways will be less. I have been wondering how to meet this time of going within in a new way, with renewed enthusiasm. The part of me that needs social interactions and conversation with other people is worried that I will suffer the same lonely days and nights as I did last winter. Still the hopeful part of me is looking at other ways of connecting with people that will work for me. I am hoping that the friends and family I have been seeing this summer and fall will continue to be in my social circle and we will find more to do and talk about together.

We are all looking to one another to make this time mean something more than just a “wait and see” period of life. I am part of a generation of seekers. People who have always sought that which gives substance to what seems to be ordinary everyday things. There are many authors writing about the aging process from the “boomers” perspective. I am currently reading Thomas Moore’s book “The Ageless Soul” and Carol Osbourne’s book “The Making of an Old Soul”. Both talk about the stages of aging and what opens up and what we let go of. I am in what many refer to the “autumn” years or stage of life. I am in the process of letting go of old dreams, ways of being and thinking, and even beliefs about myself and life that no long ring true for me. I trust that whatever is coming next is both exciting and challenging because that is life in a nutshell and never stops being that way until it ends.

I am grateful for the change in seasons and also for the fire in my belly that still burn and fills my world with the vibrant colours that enlighten what is new and calling for my attention. I wish for you, dear reader, a time to enjoy the change in seasons and to be part of natures transition in ways fill your heart with wonder. Till next time……..

Posted on by Beth 2