I turned 70 years old just a couple of months ago and this month I feel soul weary, old and isolated.  I am tired of being on my own and carrying the whole load by myself.  Even the simple things like housework — dishes, garbage removal, laundry, meal preparation, grocery shopping —- have become daunting tasks to face every day.  Nothing seems finished.  I just get one thing done and it is ready to do again.  The energy it takes uses up whatever energy I may have for other more fun things.

When I take the time to work away at the basic tasks a bit at a time, things get done and I am energized and happy to sit down and admire the results of my efforts. Then I have a nice clean space to “play” in. I can sit at my table and do art or work on a piece of writing that I had been putting off.

When the Body Gets Tired

Sometimes, though, I feel old and weary as I deal with my physical body issues.  Hearing loss has been an issue for 50 years and has now become more of a detriment. My ability to process information quickly like I did when I was younger, has diminished.  It takes longer for me to take things in. At group meetings I fall behind losing the opportunity to offer my insights or opinions on things. Then I feel apart and isolated.   It is important that I speak up and let the group know what I am experiencing as I am sure others would appreciate slowing down as well.  We all need time to reflect upon what is said.  Still my confidence in myself to articulate clearly what it is I want them to know about the process needs work.  I don’t think quickly on my feet any more so I need to be prepared.

When You are Soul Weary

What does my Soul need to help me feel more connected? What does my body need to feel more energized?  Being with friends and family who really know me and accept me for who I am helps a lot.  Being on my own too much is not the answer. It is a balancing act. I like to be able to spend time with myself and my own thoughts and feelings. I also enjoy being with others. Listening attentively to others is an important part of who I am.  It is also hard work for me due to my hearing impairment.  So I need time to rest and restore. Again there is a balance required.

When to Ask the Questions that Lead to the Best Answers

Maybe it is not an answer I am looking for rather the right question to be asking myself and even God.  Perhaps then the answers will come naturally.  Finding the right or best question is often a task that requires some deep thought and exploration into the heart and soul of what I am actually feeling right now.  I describe it as being weary and maybe there is more to it than that.  

As my body slows down at times it takes longer to do things. My mind is often racing ahead looking for the meaning and purpose in what I am engaged in.  The simple tasks seem meaningless and inconsequential and yet it is those very things that give me quality of life.  At least a type of quality that I  appreciate.  I want to wear clean fresh clothes therefore the laundry must get done.  I want the garbage out of my home.  I want clean dishes to eat off of so dishes must be washed and I want good food to enjoy so shopping and cooking is necessary. All these tasks could be seen as mediative/spiritual practices rather than onerous tasks to complete if I so chose.  What if I only ever got all those things taken care of each and every day?  Would my life have purpose and meaning?  

So there in lies the question. “What gives my life purpose and meaning?”  If feeling old and weary means I have lost something valuable then what is it that I need to reclaim and find new ways to embrace?  The old “What If” questions come to me.

So, really I am asking if I should stop stressing about doing chores and start seeing it as taking care of my space and myself and if that would make a difference in my motivation. I am wondering if I believed I had the energy to do things, how would my life change. I am curious if this change of perspective would make me see things differently and if I would find new sources of energy. Basically, I feel out of shape, tired, and unmotivated, and I am asking for help and understanding.

Having Purpose and Meaning in Life

I wonder too, what is so important about having purpose for your life.  Is it not enough to simply be here and offer kindness to others now and again and to take care of your small part of the planet as best you can?  What is the difference between having meaning and having purpose?  I think it is the same as the difference between being and doing.  Meaning and being account for how we feel and what we experience on a soul level while purpose and doing allow for what action we take.  Again the yin and yang of life.  One without the other feels off balance.  Our bodies feel off balance and sluggish if we don’t get up and move around from time to time.  That’s the simple doing.  It doesn’t have to be any more complex than that.  Still the being part requires one to settle the mind and keep away from busy mind syndrome that takes us off on all kinds of emotional roller coaster rides. It requires “down” time to be able to be quiet and listen from the inside out and hear the spiritual voice of our own knowing.

Dealing with the emotional side of things is the hardest for me to be at peace with. I get so caught up in all sorts of emotional conundrums when I spend too much time on my own analyzing how I am feeling.  I focus too much on waiting for something to shift and change when what would really makes me happiest is living with a more accepting heart — trusting that all is well in my world regardless of how things appear in the present moment.  Easier said than done though.  Just when I think I am doing well and taking care of business as required I begin to feel rather lack lustre.  My heart longs for a more meaningful connection to life.  There is also a need for a creative outlet where my thoughts and feelings can find expression together.  

The deeper meaning of and need for connection is something I hear a lot among my peers.  We are often physically and socially isolated from the bigger picture in the world.  Some of that is by choice and some of it is because we no longer fit into the world that is evolving.  When we don’t have the opportunity for regular interaction with multi-generational activities then we lose sight of the bigger picture and become so introspective that we live mostly in the past because the present is just too boring or the current world problems are too overwhelming.  

The Importance of Interdependence

There was a time when multiple generations lived together and worked together in the same home, work place or even church community. Elders were revered story tellers and teachers. Now we are isolated in ways never before heard of.  We live in high-rise buildings segregated in little compartments.  We build fences around our homes so we don’t have to interact with neighbours.  We live in retirement homes away from schools and many of us have no family to visit us. Young people are conversing with people around the world via internet and don’t take the time to visit their grandparents who live just a few miles away if they have them.  Grandparents don’t take time to get to know about technology and how to use it or what the young people are up to so they have no common ground to relate to.  We are self compartmentalizing and that leaves us more and more confused about what is coming. There is no room for multi-generation collaboration any more.   My generation and the one just before me are living longer lives and yet are being warehoused in long term care facilities where they can be ignored and forgotten.

So what is the answer to this age old and old age dilemma?  Perhaps we are not meant to live together as multi-generational communities anymore.  Perhaps we are better off being segregated and living as communities of like minded and like hearted human beings.  I think not.  We can not keep breaking away from one another.  We must find new ways to come together to create that sense of belonging and interdependence.  It is what makes us human.  We live more and more in a global community where people of all nations and walks of life are faced with issues such as climate change and economic diversity.

When I sit alone in my own little studio away from the world at large I am only temporarily taking time out from the global issues because sooner or later they come knocking on my door and I can no long pretend that I don’t care any more. 

What Do We Really Care About?

That is my biggest issue with my life and question that I ask myself regularly.  What is it that I really care about?  What have I stopped caring about that I need to care about more?  Who do I care about?  Who do I know and trust cares about me?

When I stop caring I become lack lustre.  My heart stops radiating love and my mind stops wondering.  I become bored and boring in all the ways that make a difference.  This is what happens when I focus too much on the lack in my life and not enough on the wealth of love and light in my life.

Yes there are times when I feel old and soul weary and that is a natural part of living and aging.  The good news is I never stay there for long because there is far too much for me to be grateful for, learn about and offer from my years of experience.

What about you? How is your life unfolding? Do you feel bright and shiny or dull and tarnished? I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this..