Tag: family

TURNING THE PAGE – Starting a New Chapter

For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.

This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead.  I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall.  At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face.  It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular.  I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost.  When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.

Family

Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family.  I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend.  When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that.  I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives.  They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana.  That being said we are a very small family.  We get together periodically for family events or special holidays.   Mostly we live independently though.   My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career.  His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.

My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live.  I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more.  We are all growing older and life is changing.  

Living On My Own

I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income.  It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away.  Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.

I do not see a move in my future anytime soon.  I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have.  I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.   

Listening with My Heart

Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life.  I am turning the page.   I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life.  I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar.  I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.

So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now?  Where do I look for meaning and support?  My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late.  I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for.  I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains.   Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.

I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is.  I have seventy one years of life experience.  I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit.  I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch.  I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.  

Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path

So how do I do that?  Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal?  Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them?  The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both.  Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion.  Maybe it requires a bit of both.  

There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world.  Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.  

What I have experienced of late is this.  Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.”  My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again.  Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.

That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance.  I can’t do it by myself.  I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have.  We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.  

Soul Companions

I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them.  We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country.  Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful.  When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community.  I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years.   It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with.  It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us.  It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.

Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online.  Fortunately,  my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly.  Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world.  Everything is changing and we are changing with it.

This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!

Posted on by Beth 2

Finding Peace in Quiet Summer Days

The summer is well underway and life is very quiet for me these days.  What I mean by that is there is not much I feel like doing.  I am taking the summer “off”. I spend hours scrolling on my phone or IPAD.  It is a constant companion as I train my brain with word games, online card games and connecting with “friends” on Facebook.  I have been considering giving it all up for the summer and just being quiet with no technical distractions.  Then I question whether I can actually do it.  It has become such a strong habit that I wonder if it would qualify as an addiction.  Or is it just how I companion myself?

The truth is summers have always been quiet for me ever since I can remember.  I spent a lot of time on my own feeling bored when I was young. My friends were often away at family cottages or on family road trips while my family stayed home.  One summer I worked as a Mother’s Helper and went to their cottage with them.  As a teenager I got a summer job working at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE) in Toronto for two weeks at the end of August till Labour Day.  I worked at a booth in the Better Living Building for a company called GH Wood where they displayed a million dollars in cash.  They were actually a company that made and sold cleaning products which is why they were in the Better Living building.  It was a boring job just standing there in some silly costume for six hours at a time but it gave me pocket money which I enjoyed having.  I had fun talking with the security guards who were there to protect the money.

For a few years in my early teens, my family rented a cottage in Sudbury Ontario for the summer.  Who goes to Sudbury for the summer?  Nobody I knew.  It was ok I guess as I did make some friends there and we got to go water skiing and surfboarding when our friends Stella and Jack came to visit with their boat.

The truth is I always had very little energy to do much in the summer especially when it was hot out.  That didn’t change as I got older.  In fact, it actually got worse.   As I aged I felt less and less like doing much of anything in the summer.  I have accepted that and have learned to enjoy it.  

What I love doing now is to watch baseball on TV.  The Toronto Blue Jays are like family to me.  I watch them and cheer them on as if they were all my sons.  It seems crazy to me that I enjoy the game so much still they are good company for me on a very quiet Sunday afternoon.

I sometimes feel sad and lonely on weekends, especially Sundays because I have always thought of it as family day.  Growing up I spent Sunday afternoons with my family and watching golf on TV with my dad. That is if I wasn’t having a nap.   Mom always made a good Sunday supper and we all gathered around the table together sometimes with special guests joining us.  In the summer dad would always barbecue. 

The hard part now is there is no one to remember those stories with or tell them too.  My sister who lives miles away is often busy with her family on Sundays and my kids have their own lives to live. Writing the stories is not the same as telling them around the dinner table, still I am doing my best to write them down.

When I was married Sunday was a work day.  My husband, a minister, would work in the morning and then often sleep on the sofa in afternoon. If he had people he had to visit in hospital, then he would head out.  I tried to get in the habit of making a good Sunday supper like my mom did.  Still I was on my own a lot with the kids, unless they were out playing with their friends, then I was just on my own. I didn’t always want to cook a big dinner.  It was a lonely time for me during those days when we lived far away from family.  When we moved back to our home town my in-laws often hosted Sunday suppers and it was a command performance for all the kids.  We were expected to show up and dress up.  My mother in law said if she was going to go to the trouble of making a nice dinner and setting a nice table then we could put some effort into dressing for the occasion — Sunday best.  Summer time was considered dress casual.

I now no longer plan things for after church on Sunday.  In fact, I enjoy that quiet time where I can read and perhaps even enjoy an afternoon nap.  Sunday suppers are no longer big meals unless I am invited out.  It is more like grazing all afternoon while watching baseball.  I wonder how many others who are older like me take a break from cooking on Sunday?

Being quiet by myself with time on my own in the summer is something I am practising and getting comfortable with.  There are days I simply let the time pass without really accomplishing much and that is ok because being present to what is in my day to day living gives me a sense of purpose. I am so grateful for all that I have. I am happy to have a lovely home to be in. I am thankful for a healthy body and for all the times I do spend with my family either in person or on the phone. I feel lonely and bored sometimes and that is ok too. I can change that anytime I choose to. I appreciate that the connection and love I have with my family and friends is much more than so many people have.

I have learned to make peace with loneliness by spending time quietly on my own. I enjoy my own company and the tranquility of these restful summer days. Being bored is just another way of saying I want to engage more with life. Figuring out how to do that is my Spiritual work. Is summer a busy time for you or are you taking time out from your busy lives to be quiet and rest?

Posted on by Beth 1

I Love Sticks

A few days ago I was out for a walk with my now four year old grandson.  As we were walking I noticed he would stop and pick up a stick and sometimes a stone or two.  When you are that much closer to the ground you notice these things and being a curious four year old he wanted to examine them more closely.  I never know what is going to intrigue him on our walks.  I just know to be prepared to stop and wait for his little body and mind to investigate what he is observing.

On this particular day we decided to walk over to the park near by so he could run around on the grass and play on the jungle gym.  As we approached the park he ran to the trees and began hugging them like they were his old friends.  Like his mother he loves being outside and exploring his surroundings.  

A squirrel scurried by as we walked toward the playground and he stopped to say hello.  The natural world is his home away from home and he is quite happy to just run free like the wind.  Eventually we made it to the swing sets and slides and he began climbing and sliding.  Then he crawled through the tubes and sat in one for quite a while quietly by himself.  I wondered what he was thinking about.

As I watched this little guy entertain himself I was in awe at how much he observes and takes in.  Sometimes he talks about it and lets me know what is on his mind and sometimes he just goes along quietly doing his own thing.

On the way back home he stopped by a gathering of trees to pick up a particular stick he found sitting on the ground in front of him.  He held it in his hand, swung his arms, then he skipped along the path.  As he was skipping he said out loud.  “I just love sticks!”.  That was the highlight of my day.  

Posted on by Beth 0

Celebrating Life: Birthdays in My Family

The month of April starts the birthday season in my family, including my own. There are nine all together from April 1 to May 29. There are few family members whose birthday is in other months of the year and they are the lucky ones because I never forget their birthday.

Ever since I turned sixty I have enjoyed gathering my friends together and celebrating my birthday with them. This year I was planning to host another party, then life got away on me and I decided that this year I would rather meet with them individually. Larger groups are harder for me now because it is difficult to hear and carry on a conversation with all the background noise. I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with all the energy generated when my friends gather together. We are a happy group with lots of laughing and fun stories to share with one another. I love them all for their enthusiasm and excitement for living. Still life has been very busy for me these past few months as I mentioned so I am looking forward to a quieter type of celebration this year.

I have five grandchildren, four of which have birthdays during the month of April and May. It is an exciting time for them and I want to celebrate with each of them over cake and ice cream. There is something about being with a child when they mark that special moment recognizing they are a whole year older. My youngest will be four this year and he is looking forward to starting school in the fall. My oldest is turning fifteen and she is definitely a teenager looking for adventure and hanging out with friends. The other two will be ten and eight. The first a boy and the second a girl. Turning ten is a big deal. It marks the beginning of adolescence. Turning eight means you are no longer just a little girl, rather you are coming into your own and your personality is blossoming.

I will be seventy-one this year and for me that is a full step over the threshold of the seventies. I am here now living and loving my life in this decade. I am embracing my age and all that comes with it. This past year has been a bit of an adjustment period. I settled into my life in the seniors residence, got involved in volunteer work at my church and spent time with my youngest grandson learning to play and have fun.

My son who turns forty-seven this year has lived on the other side of the ocean for many years. It has been a long time since we have celebrated our birthdays together. His is in early May. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have a son that old since I still feel that young myself sometimes.

My son-in-law has his birthday this week. He is like a son to me. I have known him since he was sixteen years old and first started dating my daughter. He has always called me mom. Now he calls me Nana. I have been witness to his incredible life journey from a young teenager to a grown man in his forties running a business and providing for his family.

My nephew and two nieces also celebrate their birthdays during this time. They all live south of the border so I don’t get to see them in person. Still I mark their special day remembering to send birthday wishes to them on our FAMJAM What’s App conversation. It keeps us all connected.

Having a birthday season in my family means taking time out every week to acknowledge and be a witness to the many ages and stages of life everyone is going through on their own and all of us together. I am at the helm of the birthday boat this year and give thanks for each and everyone of my family members.

So glad to have us all celebrating together during this special birthday season!

Posted on by Beth 1

A Christmas Angel

This week on December 19th my daughter, the youngest of my two children, will celebrate her 40th birthday. After she was born we came home and settled in for Christmas. It was a magical time. As I looked into her sweet baby eyes I knew I was in the presence of a dear little Angel. Her big brother who was six at the time, went shopping for a Christmas gift and chose an Angel tree topper. It was a family tradition every year after that to bring that Angel out and place it on the top of our tree. Over the years during my many moves I lost track of it and this year I found a new one called JOY.

That little baby is now married and mother of three children of her own. When I am with her and her family at this time of year I am reminded of that first Christmas when she came into the world. It has been my honour to be her mother over the years as she grew up to become the beautiful woman she is today.

Forty years have gone by so fast. It is hard to remember now all those milestones she went through and all the ways she has touched our lives. Still my heart glows in her presence and she is still an Angel to me.

Like her big brother before her, my daughter always made Christmas a special time for our family. When they were small their excitement filled the room as we gathered around the tree on Christmas morning. Later in the day we often had dinner with grandparents.

Now my son lives across the ocean in Berlin, Germany with his family and the grandparents are all gone. Aunts and Uncles, and cousins have moved away and we have lost touch for the most part. Family gatherings are much smaller now. Still my daughter and her family live close by me and we often gather with members of her husband’s family to celebrate the Love that is still all around us. My daughter continues the family tradition with her children as they gather around their tree on Christmas Day.

When we have our family gatherings I am happy to be one of the three grandmothers who sit at the table watching the excitement of the little ones and the bigger ones as they soak up all the love that surrounds them. There have been years when I have spent Christmas on my own. Those were the years when I lived far away or when my daughter and her family took a family vacation. Still I was never alone because I have so many wonderful memories to keep me company.

Christmas when I was a child was also magical as my father and mother always had many traditions that they kept each year. My younger sister and I grew up surrounded by people who loved us and they created an atmosphere at Christmas that gave us the foundation that is still carried on today.

I give thanks every day for my family past and present and for all the ways I was and am loved. I have been shown both the magic and the mystery of this time we call Christmas. Over 2000 years ago a light so bright shone in the world and Holy Love was born in human form.

May you know that Holy Love this year and trust that no matter your circumstances you are a bright light that shines in the darkness.

Peace be with you always.

Posted on by Beth 0

Embracing Summer Thrills and Joy: A New Perspective on Life

Summer in my part of the world is a time when people slow down and try to get away to relax and take more time for play. I often hear from those who enjoy getting away to a beach or cottage where they can relax and do some summer reading. It is a time when a lot people find they feel more creative and want to be out in their gardens or in their studios painting. Writers take time away as an opportunity to envision what they may write about next or perhaps hole themselves away to write their next novel or short story.

The days of sunlight are much longer and the energy of the sun can inspire and guide us. There are also the summer storms that roar in sometimes without notice and we are caught in a downpour. Some people love to watch the thunder and lightening that often accompanies thunderstorms in my part of the country. The crash and roar of the skies opening up to release a build up of electrical energy is both invigorating and sometimes unnerving.

For me summer brings a mix of emotions. I have noticed my biorhythms are at their lowest in summer. Wanting to rest and lay low with little ambition to do much I take it easy. The hot weather discourages me from being outside or being too active. My body does not do well in the heat. I have friends, on the other hand, who love it and feel energized by the warming of the sun and hot humid air that makes them sweat. Not me! I am a cool weather person.

Still this summer I have had a great time just hanging out with friends and enjoying the lazy, hazy days of summer. I love watching baseball and look forward to attending a Blue Jays game in Toronto before the end of the season. Oh I know the Blue Jays have not been doing well this year still they are my team and I stand by them no matter what.

This past weekend I had the great pleasure of going to the motor racetrack with my son in law and grandson to watch them both race. My son in law raced his Mustang GT on the road track and my ten year old grandson raced his ATV four wheeler on the drag strip. It was so much fun to watch them. They are both amazing drivers. The biggest thrill of the day though was when my son in law asked me if I wanted to go around the track with him. I sat in the passengers seat while he raced around the track. We did two laps and I have never gone that fast in my life. Whizzing around tight corners and going full out on the straight away was so exciting for me. I don’t know what made me say yes because I am usually really scared of speed. This time though something inside me said yes, go for it. I am so glad I did. My son in law told me I was a real champion. I told him I am not here for a long time. I am here for a good time and that was definitely a good time.

I am finding at this stage of my life it is more about finding that thrill in life than it is about staying safe. Not that long ago I was in survival mode and doing whatever I could to stay the course and keep myself from falling off the edge. Now I live on the edge looking out into the unknown excited to discover what is out there and what new things I can learn about. It is no longer about maintaining the status quo and perhaps never was for me. I have always been courageous and wanting to see life from different vantage points. Being in the passenger seat of a race car was definitely a new vantage point and gave me lots to consider about life in general.

So dear friends, wherever you are, whatever stage of life you are in I wish for you a life this summer and beyond that brings you something that gives you a thrill and offers you a new perspective. Life is meant to lived full out and also to be savoured. I have learned that you do not have to get away to a beach or cottage to have a good summer. We can have the best experience of our lives at home with ourselves or sitting on a park bench watching the birds and squirrels enjoying life in the trees. Wherever you are and whatever you get up choose to make it fun and joyful for yourself. Happy Summer!

Posted on by Beth 3