Tag: grandchildren

TURNING THE PAGE – Starting a New Chapter

For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.

This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead.  I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall.  At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face.  It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular.  I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost.  When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.

Family

Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family.  I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend.  When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that.  I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives.  They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana.  That being said we are a very small family.  We get together periodically for family events or special holidays.   Mostly we live independently though.   My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career.  His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.

My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live.  I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more.  We are all growing older and life is changing.  

Living On My Own

I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income.  It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away.  Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.

I do not see a move in my future anytime soon.  I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have.  I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.   

Listening with My Heart

Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life.  I am turning the page.   I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life.  I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar.  I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.

So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now?  Where do I look for meaning and support?  My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late.  I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for.  I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains.   Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.

I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is.  I have seventy one years of life experience.  I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit.  I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch.  I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.  

Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path

So how do I do that?  Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal?  Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them?  The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both.  Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion.  Maybe it requires a bit of both.  

There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world.  Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.  

What I have experienced of late is this.  Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.”  My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again.  Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.

That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance.  I can’t do it by myself.  I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have.  We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.  

Soul Companions

I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them.  We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country.  Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful.  When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community.  I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years.   It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with.  It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us.  It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.

Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online.  Fortunately,  my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly.  Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world.  Everything is changing and we are changing with it.

This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!

Posted on by Beth 2

I Love Sticks

A few days ago I was out for a walk with my now four year old grandson.  As we were walking I noticed he would stop and pick up a stick and sometimes a stone or two.  When you are that much closer to the ground you notice these things and being a curious four year old he wanted to examine them more closely.  I never know what is going to intrigue him on our walks.  I just know to be prepared to stop and wait for his little body and mind to investigate what he is observing.

On this particular day we decided to walk over to the park near by so he could run around on the grass and play on the jungle gym.  As we approached the park he ran to the trees and began hugging them like they were his old friends.  Like his mother he loves being outside and exploring his surroundings.  

A squirrel scurried by as we walked toward the playground and he stopped to say hello.  The natural world is his home away from home and he is quite happy to just run free like the wind.  Eventually we made it to the swing sets and slides and he began climbing and sliding.  Then he crawled through the tubes and sat in one for quite a while quietly by himself.  I wondered what he was thinking about.

As I watched this little guy entertain himself I was in awe at how much he observes and takes in.  Sometimes he talks about it and lets me know what is on his mind and sometimes he just goes along quietly doing his own thing.

On the way back home he stopped by a gathering of trees to pick up a particular stick he found sitting on the ground in front of him.  He held it in his hand, swung his arms, then he skipped along the path.  As he was skipping he said out loud.  “I just love sticks!”.  That was the highlight of my day.  

Posted on by Beth 0

Celebrating Life: Birthdays in My Family

The month of April starts the birthday season in my family, including my own. There are nine all together from April 1 to May 29. There are few family members whose birthday is in other months of the year and they are the lucky ones because I never forget their birthday.

Ever since I turned sixty I have enjoyed gathering my friends together and celebrating my birthday with them. This year I was planning to host another party, then life got away on me and I decided that this year I would rather meet with them individually. Larger groups are harder for me now because it is difficult to hear and carry on a conversation with all the background noise. I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with all the energy generated when my friends gather together. We are a happy group with lots of laughing and fun stories to share with one another. I love them all for their enthusiasm and excitement for living. Still life has been very busy for me these past few months as I mentioned so I am looking forward to a quieter type of celebration this year.

I have five grandchildren, four of which have birthdays during the month of April and May. It is an exciting time for them and I want to celebrate with each of them over cake and ice cream. There is something about being with a child when they mark that special moment recognizing they are a whole year older. My youngest will be four this year and he is looking forward to starting school in the fall. My oldest is turning fifteen and she is definitely a teenager looking for adventure and hanging out with friends. The other two will be ten and eight. The first a boy and the second a girl. Turning ten is a big deal. It marks the beginning of adolescence. Turning eight means you are no longer just a little girl, rather you are coming into your own and your personality is blossoming.

I will be seventy-one this year and for me that is a full step over the threshold of the seventies. I am here now living and loving my life in this decade. I am embracing my age and all that comes with it. This past year has been a bit of an adjustment period. I settled into my life in the seniors residence, got involved in volunteer work at my church and spent time with my youngest grandson learning to play and have fun.

My son who turns forty-seven this year has lived on the other side of the ocean for many years. It has been a long time since we have celebrated our birthdays together. His is in early May. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have a son that old since I still feel that young myself sometimes.

My son-in-law has his birthday this week. He is like a son to me. I have known him since he was sixteen years old and first started dating my daughter. He has always called me mom. Now he calls me Nana. I have been witness to his incredible life journey from a young teenager to a grown man in his forties running a business and providing for his family.

My nephew and two nieces also celebrate their birthdays during this time. They all live south of the border so I don’t get to see them in person. Still I mark their special day remembering to send birthday wishes to them on our FAMJAM What’s App conversation. It keeps us all connected.

Having a birthday season in my family means taking time out every week to acknowledge and be a witness to the many ages and stages of life everyone is going through on their own and all of us together. I am at the helm of the birthday boat this year and give thanks for each and everyone of my family members.

So glad to have us all celebrating together during this special birthday season!

Posted on by Beth 1

A Christmas Angel

This week on December 19th my daughter, the youngest of my two children, will celebrate her 40th birthday. After she was born we came home and settled in for Christmas. It was a magical time. As I looked into her sweet baby eyes I knew I was in the presence of a dear little Angel. Her big brother who was six at the time, went shopping for a Christmas gift and chose an Angel tree topper. It was a family tradition every year after that to bring that Angel out and place it on the top of our tree. Over the years during my many moves I lost track of it and this year I found a new one called JOY.

That little baby is now married and mother of three children of her own. When I am with her and her family at this time of year I am reminded of that first Christmas when she came into the world. It has been my honour to be her mother over the years as she grew up to become the beautiful woman she is today.

Forty years have gone by so fast. It is hard to remember now all those milestones she went through and all the ways she has touched our lives. Still my heart glows in her presence and she is still an Angel to me.

Like her big brother before her, my daughter always made Christmas a special time for our family. When they were small their excitement filled the room as we gathered around the tree on Christmas morning. Later in the day we often had dinner with grandparents.

Now my son lives across the ocean in Berlin, Germany with his family and the grandparents are all gone. Aunts and Uncles, and cousins have moved away and we have lost touch for the most part. Family gatherings are much smaller now. Still my daughter and her family live close by me and we often gather with members of her husband’s family to celebrate the Love that is still all around us. My daughter continues the family tradition with her children as they gather around their tree on Christmas Day.

When we have our family gatherings I am happy to be one of the three grandmothers who sit at the table watching the excitement of the little ones and the bigger ones as they soak up all the love that surrounds them. There have been years when I have spent Christmas on my own. Those were the years when I lived far away or when my daughter and her family took a family vacation. Still I was never alone because I have so many wonderful memories to keep me company.

Christmas when I was a child was also magical as my father and mother always had many traditions that they kept each year. My younger sister and I grew up surrounded by people who loved us and they created an atmosphere at Christmas that gave us the foundation that is still carried on today.

I give thanks every day for my family past and present and for all the ways I was and am loved. I have been shown both the magic and the mystery of this time we call Christmas. Over 2000 years ago a light so bright shone in the world and Holy Love was born in human form.

May you know that Holy Love this year and trust that no matter your circumstances you are a bright light that shines in the darkness.

Peace be with you always.

Posted on by Beth 0

If Ever There Was…..

If ever there was a time in my life to feel unhinged now would be it.  I have been through so much and seen so much adversity in my life that it seems almost impossible to imagine feeling so unhinged at this time when things are so settled for me.  Still I am feeling it.  

There is so much evidence to show how hope is lacking in this world right now. I need to feel it and find it for myself.  We are plagued with messages of despair that are seen around the world.  Yet in and amongst all that rhetoric there is hidden the undeniable truth that love is greater than fear.

This Sunday I heard our minister preach on the story of Ruth and Naomi showing us how in the thrust of such an unfriendly and unfathomable prejudice against women and against foreigners there was a love so deep that nothing could separate them.  I believe that we are moving through a time of such huge divisiveness that we can hardly find that centre point.  I want to trust that the love we have for ourselves will translate into love of neighbour.  I want to trust that the love of God can carry us all through this time of great debate and ultimately learn through diversity.  Still my hope and trust is being challenged in ways I have no answers for.  Where is that middle point?  How do we rise above the terror and tension we are feeling these days to see the bigger picture and envision a brighter future.  

My own personal anxiety has been escalating over the past several days without warning or any particular thoughts going through my mind.   Still my heart is feeling it and I know it is the collective thrust of anger that is driving it.  Anger that is really a cover up for fear of what is coming next.  We are all, in this part of the world where I live, hanging on the edge of what is about to be a world altering event — the election in the United States.  Never in my lifetime do I remember being so fearful about what is happening so close to home.  I am also so sad that we can not have open and honest conversations about our own perspectives and being able to hear those who share a different perspective without feeling divided and separated from one another.  There is this us and them mentality that is permeating the air we breathe and even if we step away and isolate ourselves it is still there.  As a sensitive soul I feel it regardless and it is unearthing so much confusion and steadfast fear of the otherness that I am not able to embrace it with it love.  It is like a black cloud is hovering over me.  I am stuck on the fence trying to stay neutral. Yet I am falling off from time to time and losing my grip on reality.

If ever there was a time when prayer and quiet were needed now is it.  I need to feel that deep abiding love that transcends all else and can bring me back to my own love and light in this world.  I want to light candles and give the world a huge hug.  I want to remind myself and others that we are not alone in this and that no matter our spiritual expression there is hope that we can live on and trust in the greater good of all humankind.

My mind is so confused right now about the turmoil in the middle east and the fight for a greater good in the Ukraine.  There is so much fighting and waring happening in places I know not of and yet I feel it in my heart.  Please God take this pain and hurt that we are inflicting upon each other and ultimately upon ourselves and transform it with us and for us.  

If ever there was a time when we need to reach out to one another and give thanks for our relationship now is the time.  We need to hold each others hands and keep on moving forward.  We need to stand with each other and hold up the sky with kindness and compassion for ourselves and one another no matter our differences, no matter our fears, there is something much greater at work here and when we tap into that we can hold the space together.

Our children’s future is at stake here and we can not let them down.  Our grandchildren came into this world with their own bright lights and are here to remind us that life on earth is precious and not to be squandered away on divisiveness.  We can take different roads and have different ways of finding our way home.  We can do it together and alone.  Whatever road or way we choose let us be understanding and seek peace within our differences.  Let us be examples to the upcoming generation of how to live with one another in the Global Community we currently reside in.  Let us live the message of hope and continue to share with one another the gift of life giving peace that passes all understanding by loving each other.  May we find Joy again in the living of our hope and may we know within ourselves that which transcends the human world and takes us to the soul world where we are all one with each other.

May it be so!

Posted on by Beth 0

Change in Seasons

Fire in the Belly – artist eahancox

The Fall Equinox is the second day in the year when the balance between light and dark is equal. It is the official change in seasons from summer to fall. The the days will get shorter and the nights longer. I for one always look forward to this time of year. I decided that I am really not a summer person. The fire energy of the sun is too much for me at times and the high temperatures together with the intense humidity do me in every year and even more so as I get older. Fall on the other hand revives my energy and gives me pause to reflect on the long growing season of life and now the days of harvest before the time of hibernation.

Last fall we were all experiencing the first season of isolation and shutdown due to the pandemic. Then winter hit and we were all forced inside hoping things would change and we would be able to get out and see each other again, enjoy a good meal, a concert or gather in each others homes. It never really happened and I for one was ok with it, choosing instead to embrace the time of solitude and delve deep into my own heart listening to the voice that was speaking from the place of wisdom within. I kept a small bubble of friends and family who I was able to see on a regular basis and that seemed to be enough.

At the beginning of September this year, I ventured out into the big city and attended some public art exhibitions. I enjoyed walks along the waterfront in Toronto and visits in outdoor cafes with friends and family. I felt alive in a new way. Perhaps it was because this time the connections meant so much to me. We had been separated for so long and now have a deeper appreciation for what we had been through, both on our own and together as a generation of folks who were struggling to keep family connections going. Many of those connections got lost and perhaps they may have anyway due to age and stage of life. I don’t know. Right now I am so grateful for the heart to heart connections I have with biological family and family of choice.

Last week I suddenly hit a wall as my body began to bark back at me that I needed to move more. I was in a great deal of pain from an injury to my right knee and so I was resting and not walking much. The more I sat the worse the pain got. Knowing that there is often an emotional root cause to physical pain I decided to explore for myself what that may be. After a time of reflection I realized that I was resisting stepping forward into my life. There was something that I wanted to do and was not sure it was possible and so resisted the urge to just do it and let things fall into place. I am missing my family who live in Berlin, Germany. I have a two granddaughters there — one who is eleven years old and one who is four years old. I have yet to meet the four year old. I want to hop on a plane and go there. I want to gather them up in my arms and feel their arms around me. I know there are so many grandmothers and grandfathers out there who are feeling this same longing and grieving the loss of watching their young ones grow up. We have the advantage of technology and yet it is hard to find time and space to connect even with that so we must move forward in new ways.

I also realized that the fall is a time of letting go, of preparing to go into the dark. I personally love the dark and am very at home there. Still the pandemic has made the time of isolation feel different somehow. Soon the outside patios and events will be replaced with inside ones and the opportunities to gather together in safe ways will be less. I have been wondering how to meet this time of going within in a new way, with renewed enthusiasm. The part of me that needs social interactions and conversation with other people is worried that I will suffer the same lonely days and nights as I did last winter. Still the hopeful part of me is looking at other ways of connecting with people that will work for me. I am hoping that the friends and family I have been seeing this summer and fall will continue to be in my social circle and we will find more to do and talk about together.

We are all looking to one another to make this time mean something more than just a “wait and see” period of life. I am part of a generation of seekers. People who have always sought that which gives substance to what seems to be ordinary everyday things. There are many authors writing about the aging process from the “boomers” perspective. I am currently reading Thomas Moore’s book “The Ageless Soul” and Carol Osbourne’s book “The Making of an Old Soul”. Both talk about the stages of aging and what opens up and what we let go of. I am in what many refer to the “autumn” years or stage of life. I am in the process of letting go of old dreams, ways of being and thinking, and even beliefs about myself and life that no long ring true for me. I trust that whatever is coming next is both exciting and challenging because that is life in a nutshell and never stops being that way until it ends.

I am grateful for the change in seasons and also for the fire in my belly that still burn and fills my world with the vibrant colours that enlighten what is new and calling for my attention. I wish for you, dear reader, a time to enjoy the change in seasons and to be part of natures transition in ways fill your heart with wonder. Till next time……..

Posted on by Beth 2

Baking, Knitting and Making Soup

I retired in 2019 and I was determined to find things that I loved to do and to do them. It has taken me awhile to experiment and find my way to the joy that comes from doing something you truly love to do. One of my motivations has been exploring the role of grandmother. My grandchildren call me Nana just as my children called my mother and I called my grandmother. I grew up with my Nana living with us from the time I was 7. My mother made sure she lived close by so my children saw her regularly.

What I learned from both these remarkable women was how to simply be present with the children and let them tell you about themselves through conversations and playtime. I also learned from my mother about knitting and making soup. My mother was an accomplished knitter and sewer. She was a champion soup maker. We all loved going to Nana’s house for a bowl of her homemade soup. All her grandchildren had numerous sweaters that Nana knit for them and now her great grandchildren are wearing them.

When my daughter was expecting her third child I decided to try my hand at knitting starting with a small baby blanket. It was easy to knit row after row until it became the size of a blanket. I discovered in the process how very relaxing and meditative it can be. I often listen to podcasts while I am knitting so that I can keep my eyes focused on the stitches. My granddaughter, Violet, decided she wanted a blanket for her dolls like the one I made for the new baby so I am on my second blanket. This time I am adding a few different stitches and am gaining my confidence as a knitter. Who knows maybe one day I too will knit a sweater and for now blankets and scarves are my go to project. My grandson, William, had requested a rainbow scarf.

I discovered that I also enjoy making cookies and other simple baking items like brownies and pies. When my grandchildren come to visit me or when I go to their place I like to have a treat for them that I have made myself. I enjoy having a cookie with my tea in the afternoon so when I make a batch I save some for me and give the rest to my daughter and her family. Nice to have homemade cookies that are nutritious and made with love. My favourite recipe which I have adapted is Black Bean Brownies. The recipe is at the end. I reduced the amount of sugar to 1 cup and added some chocolate chips for texture and sweetness and walnut pieces for extra protein. I tried using applesauce to replace the fat but they were too gooey. I prefer mayonnaise myself. I always have the ingredients in the cupboard for a quick treat. I am working on another recipe using white beans, gluten free flour, lemon extract and zest covered with lemon glaze. I will let you know how it turns out.

Everytime I make a pot of soup I think of my mother. She was not a baker and my Nana did not cook much at all though she did love to eat and was always open to trying new things. Making soup for me is another labour of love. Soup is the ultimate comfort food. Now that I have an Instant Pot I enjoy making it even more. Even in the summer it is easy to create a lovely broth or chilled soup without heating up the kitchen. Soup is also a great way to use up leftovers, limp veggies from the crisper and adding different veggies to your diet. Cooking for one can be a challenge so when I make a big pot of soup I share it with my my daughter as her kids love soup too.

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Black Bean Brownies

Preheat oven to 350F

1 can (19oz or 540 ml) black beans
3 eggs
1/3 cup canola oil (or mayonnaise)
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
1 cup granulated sugar
½ cup unsweetened coco powder
1 ½ teaspoon baking powder

Instructions:

In food processor, puree beans, eggs, oil and vanilla extract for 2 to 3 minutes. In a large bowl combine sugar, cocoa and baking powder. Mix the bean mixture with the dry ingredients. Pour batter into prepared baking pan (9 inches). Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes or until a tester inserted in the centre comes out clean.

Note: you can add chocolate chips and walnut pieces for extra sweetness and added protein.

Posted on by Beth 3

Tell Me a Story Nana

My granddaughters in Berlin

I have four grandchildren ranging in age from ten to three and a new one on the way. One of the greatest gifts of being a grandmother is being a storyteller. My oldest granddaughter pictured above and I started writing stories together when she was just six years old. She lives in Berlin Germany and we have only visited and seen each other three times in ten years. Still we have the most remarkable relationship because we started visiting online from the time she was very young. One of the ways we started connecting was telling stories. I would start a sentence and she would finish it. Soon I began writing the stories down and one day we had a whole booklet of stories we had written together. She is now a budding young artist and is starting to draw pictures to illustrate our stories. Her younger sister is now wanting me to tell her stories and to write stories with me. It is such a great way to connect and use one’s imagination. We have never met in person and yet there is still a love connection between us that transcends the physical. That is the power of storytelling.

My grandchildren in Canada

My grandchildren in Canada visit with me regularly and we have great fun making up stories and play acting. One day I am a veterinarian, another day I am a dog owner bringing my dog to the hospital to be healed.

My grandson made up a game called story cars. He has a whole collection of miniature cars and each one has a personality. Each person who is playing is given a car and then we make up stories and play with the cars pretending we are on a great adventure. Some cars a good friends others are bad guys who need to be stopped. It is great fun telling and imaging stories with him.

Posted on by Beth 0