Tag: hope

Finding Beauty in Autumn: Life Lessons from Nature

It has been a while since I have written anything here and now Autumn is upon us. We had a very long and often hot summer. I was surrounded by luscious green lawns and beautiful gardens filled with rich colours that made my heart sing.

Now I am watching the life force in the plants slowly return to the Earth. Leaves are turning colour and gently falling to the ground. Orchards are filled with people picking fruits from the trees. Farmers are harvesting corn, squash and pumpkins from the fields. Those who love to can and preserve are making chili sauce and various jams and jellies. The farmer’s markets are loaded with fresh produce from their fields and gardens. Those of us who live in small apartments gain from the bounty of their harvest. There is nothing like a pan of fresh roasted vegetables to warm the heart and soul.

I spent a good deal of my time alone this summer and took the opportunity to do a life review. Looking not just to the past or out into the future but at the here and now. Where am I now? Where are we all at this moment in time. I am in the autumn of my life. What does that mean exactly? To me it means capturing the life force within me. Finding the fruits of my own labours. I am sharing what I have discovered over the years. I pay close attention to the lessons learned from poor choices made along the way. No one gets through life without a few hard knocks now and then. Still what I know for sure is my life is full of examples of Love leading the way.

I have always been a peace maker/keeper at heart. I lead with my heart and speak sincerely from what I know to be true for me. I have lived with a hearing impairment for over fifty years. I have also learned to listen with my whole self, not just my ears. I pay attention to body language, physical surroundings and follow my intuition when it gives a clear message. I also use my head to carefully analyze a situation when required before making any decisions or comments. The last piece of advice my mother gave me before she left this world was “Follow your heart.” But she also said, “Don’t lose your head!” She always thought I was too soft. She believed I was wishy washy and sat on the fence. She advised that I should state my opinion strongly like she always did. Her favourite saying was “I mean what I say and say what I mean!” Sometimes what she had to say was mean and still she stood by it. Mostly, though she was right more often than not.

Still for me, I see great value in seeing all sides of a story. Finding the common ground is important before expressing an opinion. My style of leadership is to listen twice as much as I speak. If I don’t have anything to say that will add to the conversation then I just listen until I do. This is particularly true now that I am living in the autumn of my life.

The beauty of autumn is that all the rich green of new life matures. It becomes vibrant colours of brown, orange, yellow and red. Eventually, it joins the Earth to break down and enrich the soil with its nutrients. This becomes fodder for micro organisms that work to break it down so that new life will emerge from it.

Our life experience becomes the nutrients that make up the wisdom of our elder years. We need to live long enough for it to build up. It must then be broken down into micro organisms of thoughts and knowledge. I am just now starting to glean the wisdom of my years of life experience. I see the beauty in living a long life. It allows me to understand what I have been through. I also see what I learned from it. Now is the time to nurture that and also to share it with others. That is why I write and tell stories. I offer what I can when I can. This happens when I am in conversation with family, friends, and others I meet along the way.

This is a wonderful time of year and time of life. It is not about losing life force energy. It is about the life force being transformed into a new form of life. This new form lives on in all its richness.

Posted on by Beth 3

Waiting: A Journey through Darkness to Light

There are days when the skies are filled with clouds and the sun is hidden behind them.  Some days are darker than others, still when the clouds disappear the sun shines forth and I am lifted up. I am sure many of us are.

What does that mean exactly, lifted up!  Well to me it means seeing something beyond the obvious.  It means allowing the darkness to be illuminated and the wisdom of my heart to be seen and felt within my very being.

Now this is not just a physical phenomenon it is a spiritual experience.  It can happen in the darkest hours of the night or on a cold and snowy day when the winds are blowing so hard you can barely see two feet in front of you.

How and why is this such an enlightened experience then?  Do we have to be experiencing the “dark night of the soul” in order to recognize the wisdom that shines through that darkness?  Or is it something we can access anytime anywhere we choose to?  This is question mystics have been asking and answering for centuries.  We are all Spiritual beings first and foremost and so when we can find our way to trusting in that knowing then we are on our way home. 

Shining a light into the darkest regions of our hearts can be difficult at best and darn right impossible at the very least.  Often we don’t even know where those dark corners are hiding until we come up against a memory or a physical sensation that tells us we have landed on something that needs to be addressed.   What I know from my own experience is when I shine a light in those regions of my being I am not doing it alone.  I have experienced more than once the hand of what I call God taking my hand and leading me as well as comforting me along the way.

It is not always easy to explain what this looks or feels like for me, still I know it to be true.  I can shift my thoughts away from sorrow and sadness to love and compassion on the turn of a dime if I am connecting in that moment.  It is not always that easy though.  Still at times it can be.  Learning the process of mindfulness is one of the best ways I know of to shift gears and learn how to be present with all that is presenting itself in any given moment.

Still there are many moments when my heart is aching and my mind is telling me that I have every reason to be sad, angry or disappointed.  It is in those moments that I need to take a step back and look at myself from the perspective of one who is witnessing myself in pain.  It is not a problem to be solved.  It is simply an observation of something that is happening in the moment.  Sometimes it only takes a few minutes for me to see myself in a different light.  Other times it takes days even months to move through that dark time and find the light on the other side.

This is the value and joy of having a human experience.  To be able to eventually shift our way of seeing what is before us and finding the diamonds sparkling in the sawdust of all that has been working away at us over time.  Psychologists may argue that the dark regions are there because of the negative experiences we have had up until that moment we see them differently.  They may be right.  I have had many experiences that I have reframed over my lifetime and others that I can not let go of.  They are painfully resting in my heart waiting for me to let go and let God take them over.  

Hanging on to such negativity is, in a way, a form of self protection.  As long as I remember what it feels like to be so hurt or angry or even fearful then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again.  If only that were true.  The reality is that as long as I hang on to all the pain I am only reliving the original experience over and over again.  So I am learning more and more how to live in the now and live through the pain until it is no longer hurting me.  It becomes a story that I can tell and has no particular affect on how I am feeling now.  This is something that I truly believe comes with the aging process.  It is a way of looking at the world and my life in context of what is now rather than what was then.

I learned to be more consciously aware of my human shortcomings when I was caring for my aging mother and my young children.  My mother talked over and over again about all the ways she was hurt in the past by family members.  She could not let it go and so everyone around her was forced to listen to her ongoing rhetoric about all the times she was ignored or left with no support when she was going through difficult times. Finally she cut herself off from her family all together.  At the end of her life, my sister and I were the only ones left who she was talking to and our children of course.  

As I age I am determined not to be the same way with my family members.  I am not sure how successful I am in that regard still I am doing my best to be present to what is now and to take responsibility for whatever I am feeling at any given point in time.  

Being an aging parent I hold a certain expectation of my children which they may or may not be able to live up to.  They don’t know what those expectations are neither do I know what their expectations are of me.  Unless we have the conversation which for us is damn hard I may go to my grave wondering what I could have done differently or how I would liked to have been treated differently.  

Ultimately, it is for us to make peace within ourselves and leave no stone unturned until we are assured that we have done the very best we could at any given point in time.  By then the light will shine for us in all the corners of our hearts so that Love can prevail above all else.  That is how I want to leave this world some day.

Posted on by Beth 5

If Ever There Was…..

If ever there was a time in my life to feel unhinged now would be it.  I have been through so much and seen so much adversity in my life that it seems almost impossible to imagine feeling so unhinged at this time when things are so settled for me.  Still I am feeling it.  

There is so much evidence to show how hope is lacking in this world right now. I need to feel it and find it for myself.  We are plagued with messages of despair that are seen around the world.  Yet in and amongst all that rhetoric there is hidden the undeniable truth that love is greater than fear.

This Sunday I heard our minister preach on the story of Ruth and Naomi showing us how in the thrust of such an unfriendly and unfathomable prejudice against women and against foreigners there was a love so deep that nothing could separate them.  I believe that we are moving through a time of such huge divisiveness that we can hardly find that centre point.  I want to trust that the love we have for ourselves will translate into love of neighbour.  I want to trust that the love of God can carry us all through this time of great debate and ultimately learn through diversity.  Still my hope and trust is being challenged in ways I have no answers for.  Where is that middle point?  How do we rise above the terror and tension we are feeling these days to see the bigger picture and envision a brighter future.  

My own personal anxiety has been escalating over the past several days without warning or any particular thoughts going through my mind.   Still my heart is feeling it and I know it is the collective thrust of anger that is driving it.  Anger that is really a cover up for fear of what is coming next.  We are all, in this part of the world where I live, hanging on the edge of what is about to be a world altering event — the election in the United States.  Never in my lifetime do I remember being so fearful about what is happening so close to home.  I am also so sad that we can not have open and honest conversations about our own perspectives and being able to hear those who share a different perspective without feeling divided and separated from one another.  There is this us and them mentality that is permeating the air we breathe and even if we step away and isolate ourselves it is still there.  As a sensitive soul I feel it regardless and it is unearthing so much confusion and steadfast fear of the otherness that I am not able to embrace it with it love.  It is like a black cloud is hovering over me.  I am stuck on the fence trying to stay neutral. Yet I am falling off from time to time and losing my grip on reality.

If ever there was a time when prayer and quiet were needed now is it.  I need to feel that deep abiding love that transcends all else and can bring me back to my own love and light in this world.  I want to light candles and give the world a huge hug.  I want to remind myself and others that we are not alone in this and that no matter our spiritual expression there is hope that we can live on and trust in the greater good of all humankind.

My mind is so confused right now about the turmoil in the middle east and the fight for a greater good in the Ukraine.  There is so much fighting and waring happening in places I know not of and yet I feel it in my heart.  Please God take this pain and hurt that we are inflicting upon each other and ultimately upon ourselves and transform it with us and for us.  

If ever there was a time when we need to reach out to one another and give thanks for our relationship now is the time.  We need to hold each others hands and keep on moving forward.  We need to stand with each other and hold up the sky with kindness and compassion for ourselves and one another no matter our differences, no matter our fears, there is something much greater at work here and when we tap into that we can hold the space together.

Our children’s future is at stake here and we can not let them down.  Our grandchildren came into this world with their own bright lights and are here to remind us that life on earth is precious and not to be squandered away on divisiveness.  We can take different roads and have different ways of finding our way home.  We can do it together and alone.  Whatever road or way we choose let us be understanding and seek peace within our differences.  Let us be examples to the upcoming generation of how to live with one another in the Global Community we currently reside in.  Let us live the message of hope and continue to share with one another the gift of life giving peace that passes all understanding by loving each other.  May we find Joy again in the living of our hope and may we know within ourselves that which transcends the human world and takes us to the soul world where we are all one with each other.

May it be so!

Posted on by Beth 0

Finding Purpose and Meaning in Old Age: Soul and Body Connection

I turned 70 years old just a couple of months ago and this month I feel soul weary, old and isolated.  I am tired of being on my own and carrying the whole load by myself.  Even the simple things like housework — dishes, garbage removal, laundry, meal preparation, grocery shopping —- have become daunting tasks to face every day.  Nothing seems finished.  I just get one thing done and it is ready to do again.  The energy it takes uses up whatever energy I may have for other more fun things.

When I take the time to work away at the basic tasks a bit at a time, things get done and I am energized and happy to sit down and admire the results of my efforts. Then I have a nice clean space to “play” in. I can sit at my table and do art or work on a piece of writing that I had been putting off.

When the Body Gets Tired

Sometimes, though, I feel old and weary as I deal with my physical body issues.  Hearing loss has been an issue for 50 years and has now become more of a detriment. My ability to process information quickly like I did when I was younger, has diminished.  It takes longer for me to take things in. At group meetings I fall behind losing the opportunity to offer my insights or opinions on things. Then I feel apart and isolated.   It is important that I speak up and let the group know what I am experiencing as I am sure others would appreciate slowing down as well.  We all need time to reflect upon what is said.  Still my confidence in myself to articulate clearly what it is I want them to know about the process needs work.  I don’t think quickly on my feet any more so I need to be prepared.

When You are Soul Weary

What does my Soul need to help me feel more connected? What does my body need to feel more energized?  Being with friends and family who really know me and accept me for who I am helps a lot.  Being on my own too much is not the answer. It is a balancing act. I like to be able to spend time with myself and my own thoughts and feelings. I also enjoy being with others. Listening attentively to others is an important part of who I am.  It is also hard work for me due to my hearing impairment.  So I need time to rest and restore. Again there is a balance required.

When to Ask the Questions that Lead to the Best Answers

Maybe it is not an answer I am looking for rather the right question to be asking myself and even God.  Perhaps then the answers will come naturally.  Finding the right or best question is often a task that requires some deep thought and exploration into the heart and soul of what I am actually feeling right now.  I describe it as being weary and maybe there is more to it than that.  

As my body slows down at times it takes longer to do things. My mind is often racing ahead looking for the meaning and purpose in what I am engaged in.  The simple tasks seem meaningless and inconsequential and yet it is those very things that give me quality of life.  At least a type of quality that I  appreciate.  I want to wear clean fresh clothes therefore the laundry must get done.  I want the garbage out of my home.  I want clean dishes to eat off of so dishes must be washed and I want good food to enjoy so shopping and cooking is necessary. All these tasks could be seen as mediative/spiritual practices rather than onerous tasks to complete if I so chose.  What if I only ever got all those things taken care of each and every day?  Would my life have purpose and meaning?  

So there in lies the question. “What gives my life purpose and meaning?”  If feeling old and weary means I have lost something valuable then what is it that I need to reclaim and find new ways to embrace?  The old “What If” questions come to me.

So, really I am asking if I should stop stressing about doing chores and start seeing it as taking care of my space and myself and if that would make a difference in my motivation. I am wondering if I believed I had the energy to do things, how would my life change. I am curious if this change of perspective would make me see things differently and if I would find new sources of energy. Basically, I feel out of shape, tired, and unmotivated, and I am asking for help and understanding.

Having Purpose and Meaning in Life

I wonder too, what is so important about having purpose for your life.  Is it not enough to simply be here and offer kindness to others now and again and to take care of your small part of the planet as best you can?  What is the difference between having meaning and having purpose?  I think it is the same as the difference between being and doing.  Meaning and being account for how we feel and what we experience on a soul level while purpose and doing allow for what action we take.  Again the yin and yang of life.  One without the other feels off balance.  Our bodies feel off balance and sluggish if we don’t get up and move around from time to time.  That’s the simple doing.  It doesn’t have to be any more complex than that.  Still the being part requires one to settle the mind and keep away from busy mind syndrome that takes us off on all kinds of emotional roller coaster rides. It requires “down” time to be able to be quiet and listen from the inside out and hear the spiritual voice of our own knowing.

Dealing with the emotional side of things is the hardest for me to be at peace with. I get so caught up in all sorts of emotional conundrums when I spend too much time on my own analyzing how I am feeling.  I focus too much on waiting for something to shift and change when what would really makes me happiest is living with a more accepting heart — trusting that all is well in my world regardless of how things appear in the present moment.  Easier said than done though.  Just when I think I am doing well and taking care of business as required I begin to feel rather lack lustre.  My heart longs for a more meaningful connection to life.  There is also a need for a creative outlet where my thoughts and feelings can find expression together.  

The deeper meaning of and need for connection is something I hear a lot among my peers.  We are often physically and socially isolated from the bigger picture in the world.  Some of that is by choice and some of it is because we no longer fit into the world that is evolving.  When we don’t have the opportunity for regular interaction with multi-generational activities then we lose sight of the bigger picture and become so introspective that we live mostly in the past because the present is just too boring or the current world problems are too overwhelming.  

The Importance of Interdependence

There was a time when multiple generations lived together and worked together in the same home, work place or even church community. Elders were revered story tellers and teachers. Now we are isolated in ways never before heard of.  We live in high-rise buildings segregated in little compartments.  We build fences around our homes so we don’t have to interact with neighbours.  We live in retirement homes away from schools and many of us have no family to visit us. Young people are conversing with people around the world via internet and don’t take the time to visit their grandparents who live just a few miles away if they have them.  Grandparents don’t take time to get to know about technology and how to use it or what the young people are up to so they have no common ground to relate to.  We are self compartmentalizing and that leaves us more and more confused about what is coming. There is no room for multi-generation collaboration any more.   My generation and the one just before me are living longer lives and yet are being warehoused in long term care facilities where they can be ignored and forgotten.

So what is the answer to this age old and old age dilemma?  Perhaps we are not meant to live together as multi-generational communities anymore.  Perhaps we are better off being segregated and living as communities of like minded and like hearted human beings.  I think not.  We can not keep breaking away from one another.  We must find new ways to come together to create that sense of belonging and interdependence.  It is what makes us human.  We live more and more in a global community where people of all nations and walks of life are faced with issues such as climate change and economic diversity.

When I sit alone in my own little studio away from the world at large I am only temporarily taking time out from the global issues because sooner or later they come knocking on my door and I can no long pretend that I don’t care any more. 

What Do We Really Care About?

That is my biggest issue with my life and question that I ask myself regularly.  What is it that I really care about?  What have I stopped caring about that I need to care about more?  Who do I care about?  Who do I know and trust cares about me?

When I stop caring I become lack lustre.  My heart stops radiating love and my mind stops wondering.  I become bored and boring in all the ways that make a difference.  This is what happens when I focus too much on the lack in my life and not enough on the wealth of love and light in my life.

Yes there are times when I feel old and soul weary and that is a natural part of living and aging.  The good news is I never stay there for long because there is far too much for me to be grateful for, learn about and offer from my years of experience.

What about you? How is your life unfolding? Do you feel bright and shiny or dull and tarnished? I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this..

Posted on by Beth 2