It seems the world is spinning faster and faster every day. Chaos reigns all over. Yet in the quiet of a regular day I can feel the joy that is also there. There is hope everywhere when you are open to seeing and feeling it. Even if you are not looking when you become still and listen you can hear the birds chirping. They are telling us of a new world order that is coming our way. In fact it is already here. We just can’t see it yet.
I have been feeling the need to withdraw into myself for a while now. It takes great effort for me to engage with people these days. I have a hard time coming up with topics of conversation. So I often sit quietly and ask questions so others can share what is on their mind. I love to listen and hear their stories. It inspires me and keeps me connected. At the same time, what they share gives me more to consider in my own life. My heart reaches out to them and we connect Soul to Soul.
What is this need to withdraw and be quiet all about anyway? I am not sure exactly. I just know that I am much more relaxed and content in my life right now. I am comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company. It has taken a while to reconnect to this sense of belonging I so needed. To be part of something greater than myself again. It is bigger than the world outside my door. It is a sense of being a conduit of peace and kindness. It is of love and compassion. This feeling comes from a source that is more powerful and more genuine than I can describe in words.
For weeks I have felt lost in the wilderness. I did not know how to connect. I was longing for a sign or feeling a hand reaching out for me. I crawled into my bed and slept away the hours that felt empty and without purpose. Then in my dreams, a still small voice spoke inside me. During my quiet time, it gave me reassurance. I am not alone. I live in a world filled with love. People who genuinely care about one another surround me. They also care for the Earth.
At church this week I was sitting quietly waiting for the service to start. The music director, who I genuinely love as a kindred spirit, came over to me unexpectedly. He bent down and gave me a warm heartfelt hug. I can’t tell you what a gift that was to feel his arms around me even for a few seconds. I felt the presence of God in that moment. Something opened inside me that had been closed off. I listened intently to words of the songs being sung. I watched the choir as their faces lit up when they sang. I listened intently to the scripture readings and the prayers that were shared. Every word landed on my heart and brought me joy. The sermon stirred in me images of Truth and Reconciliation with the people who first inhabited this land. I felt sad for and with them. Still there was hope in the message. There were references to ways we can make peace with the past. By the end of the service, I felt myself emerging from the dark shadows where I had been dwelling.
I was reminded about all the people in my life who I care about and who care about me. It was a time of Truth and Reconciliation for me. I came to understand how often I forget to make that conscious decision to be quiet and still. Even just a few minutes of stillness is important. It is in the stillness that I find the truth of my well being.
I am happy to say that I am finding Joy in my life again. I am looking through a clearer lens than ever before. My spiritual home is where I live joyfully for each day is a new beginning. For now, as an Earth Dweller, I seek a new way. I want to experience fully what is in my every day. I want to find my way along life’s path to the beauty that surrounds me.
I wish the same for you dear reader. What brings you joy? Where do you connect with the Still Small Voice in you? How do you walk upon the Earth with Love in your Heart?
It has been a while since I have written anything here and now Autumn is upon us. We had a very long and often hot summer. I was surrounded by luscious green lawns and beautiful gardens filled with rich colours that made my heart sing.
Now I am watching the life force in the plants slowly return to the Earth. Leaves are turning colour and gently falling to the ground. Orchards are filled with people picking fruits from the trees. Farmers are harvesting corn, squash and pumpkins from the fields. Those who love to can and preserve are making chili sauce and various jams and jellies. The farmer’s markets are loaded with fresh produce from their fields and gardens. Those of us who live in small apartments gain from the bounty of their harvest. There is nothing like a pan of fresh roasted vegetables to warm the heart and soul.
I spent a good deal of my time alone this summer and took the opportunity to do a life review. Looking not just to the past or out into the future but at the here and now. Where am I now? Where are we all at this moment in time. I am in the autumn of my life. What does that mean exactly? To me it means capturing the life force within me. Finding the fruits of my own labours. I am sharing what I have discovered over the years. I pay close attention to the lessons learned from poor choices made along the way. No one gets through life without a few hard knocks now and then. Still what I know for sure is my life is full of examples of Love leading the way.
I have always been a peace maker/keeper at heart. I lead with my heart and speak sincerely from what I know to be true for me. I have lived with a hearing impairment for over fifty years. I have also learned to listen with my whole self, not just my ears. I pay attention to body language, physical surroundings and follow my intuition when it gives a clear message. I also use my head to carefully analyze a situation when required before making any decisions or comments. The last piece of advice my mother gave me before she left this world was “Follow your heart.” But she also said, “Don’t lose your head!” She always thought I was too soft. She believed I was wishy washy and sat on the fence. She advised that I should state my opinion strongly like she always did. Her favourite saying was “I mean what I say and say what I mean!” Sometimes what she had to say was mean and still she stood by it. Mostly, though she was right more often than not.
Still for me, I see great value in seeing all sides of a story. Finding the common ground is important before expressing an opinion. My style of leadership is to listen twice as much as I speak. If I don’t have anything to say that will add to the conversation then I just listen until I do. This is particularly true now that I am living in the autumn of my life.
The beauty of autumn is that all the rich green of new life matures. It becomes vibrant colours of brown, orange, yellow and red. Eventually, it joins the Earth to break down and enrich the soil with its nutrients. This becomes fodder for micro organisms that work to break it down so that new life will emerge from it.
Our life experience becomes the nutrients that make up the wisdom of our elder years. We need to live long enough for it to build up. It must then be broken down into micro organisms of thoughts and knowledge. I am just now starting to glean the wisdom of my years of life experience. I see the beauty in living a long life. It allows me to understand what I have been through. I also see what I learned from it. Now is the time to nurture that and also to share it with others. That is why I write and tell stories. I offer what I can when I can. This happens when I am in conversation with family, friends, and others I meet along the way.
This is a wonderful time of year and time of life. It is not about losing life force energy. It is about the life force being transformed into a new form of life. This new form lives on in all its richness.
For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.
This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead. I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall. At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face. It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular. I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost. When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.
Family
Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family. I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend. When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that. I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives. They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana. That being said we are a very small family. We get together periodically for family events or special holidays. Mostly we live independently though. My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career. His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.
My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live. I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more. We are all growing older and life is changing.
Living On My Own
I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income. It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away. Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.
I do not see a move in my future anytime soon. I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have. I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.
Listening with My Heart
Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am turning the page. I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life. I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar. I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.
So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now? Where do I look for meaning and support? My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late. I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for. I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains. Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.
I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is. I have seventy one years of life experience. I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit. I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch. I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.
Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path
So how do I do that? Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal? Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them? The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both. Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion. Maybe it requires a bit of both.
There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world. Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.
What I have experienced of late is this. Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.” My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again. Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.
That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance. I can’t do it by myself. I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have. We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.
Soul Companions
I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them. We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country. Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful. When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community. I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years. It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with. It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us. It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.
Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online. Fortunately, my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly. Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world. Everything is changing and we are changing with it.
This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!
The summer is well underway and life is very quiet for me these days. What I mean by that is there is not much I feel like doing. I am taking the summer “off”. I spend hours scrolling on my phone or IPAD. It is a constant companion as I train my brain with word games, online card games and connecting with “friends” on Facebook. I have been considering giving it all up for the summer and just being quiet with no technical distractions. Then I question whether I can actually do it. It has become such a strong habit that I wonder if it would qualify as an addiction. Or is it just how I companion myself?
The truth is summers have always been quiet for me ever since I can remember. I spent a lot of time on my own feeling bored when I was young. My friends were often away at family cottages or on family road trips while my family stayed home. One summer I worked as a Mother’s Helper and went to their cottage with them. As a teenager I got a summer job working at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE) in Toronto for two weeks at the end of August till Labour Day. I worked at a booth in the Better Living Building for a company called GH Wood where they displayed a million dollars in cash. They were actually a company that made and sold cleaning products which is why they were in the Better Living building. It was a boring job just standing there in some silly costume for six hours at a time but it gave me pocket money which I enjoyed having. I had fun talking with the security guards who were there to protect the money.
For a few years in my early teens, my family rented a cottage in Sudbury Ontario for the summer. Who goes to Sudbury for the summer? Nobody I knew. It was ok I guess as I did make some friends there and we got to go water skiing and surfboarding when our friends Stella and Jack came to visit with their boat.
The truth is I always had very little energy to do much in the summer especially when it was hot out. That didn’t change as I got older. In fact, it actually got worse. As I aged I felt less and less like doing much of anything in the summer. I have accepted that and have learned to enjoy it.
What I love doing now is to watch baseball on TV. The Toronto Blue Jays are like family to me. I watch them and cheer them on as if they were all my sons. It seems crazy to me that I enjoy the game so much still they are good company for me on a very quiet Sunday afternoon.
I sometimes feel sad and lonely on weekends, especially Sundays because I have always thought of it as family day. Growing up I spent Sunday afternoons with my family and watching golf on TV with my dad. That is if I wasn’t having a nap. Mom always made a good Sunday supper and we all gathered around the table together sometimes with special guests joining us. In the summer dad would always barbecue.
The hard part now is there is no one to remember those stories with or tell them too. My sister who lives miles away is often busy with her family on Sundays and my kids have their own lives to live. Writing the stories is not the same as telling them around the dinner table, still I am doing my best to write them down.
When I was married Sunday was a work day. My husband, a minister, would work in the morning and then often sleep on the sofa in afternoon. If he had people he had to visit in hospital, then he would head out. I tried to get in the habit of making a good Sunday supper like my mom did. Still I was on my own a lot with the kids, unless they were out playing with their friends, then I was just on my own. I didn’t always want to cook a big dinner. It was a lonely time for me during those days when we lived far away from family. When we moved back to our home town my in-laws often hosted Sunday suppers and it was a command performance for all the kids. We were expected to show up and dress up. My mother in law said if she was going to go to the trouble of making a nice dinner and setting a nice table then we could put some effort into dressing for the occasion — Sunday best. Summer time was considered dress casual.
I now no longer plan things for after church on Sunday. In fact, I enjoy that quiet time where I can read and perhaps even enjoy an afternoon nap. Sunday suppers are no longer big meals unless I am invited out. It is more like grazing all afternoon while watching baseball. I wonder how many others who are older like me take a break from cooking on Sunday?
Being quiet by myself with time on my own in the summer is something I am practising and getting comfortable with. There are days I simply let the time pass without really accomplishing much and that is ok because being present to what is in my day to day living gives me a sense of purpose. I am so grateful for all that I have. I am happy to have a lovely home to be in. I am thankful for a healthy body and for all the times I do spend with my family either in person or on the phone. I feel lonely and bored sometimes and that is ok too. I can change that anytime I choose to. I appreciate that the connection and love I have with my family and friends is much more than so many people have.
I have learned to make peace with loneliness by spending time quietly on my own. I enjoy my own company and the tranquility of these restful summer days. Being bored is just another way of saying I want to engage more with life. Figuring out how to do that is my Spiritual work. Is summer a busy time for you or are you taking time out from your busy lives to be quiet and rest?
A few days ago I was out for a walk with my now four year old grandson. As we were walking I noticed he would stop and pick up a stick and sometimes a stone or two. When you are that much closer to the ground you notice these things and being a curious four year old he wanted to examine them more closely. I never know what is going to intrigue him on our walks. I just know to be prepared to stop and wait for his little body and mind to investigate what he is observing.
On this particular day we decided to walk over to the park near by so he could run around on the grass and play on the jungle gym. As we approached the park he ran to the trees and began hugging them like they were his old friends. Like his mother he loves being outside and exploring his surroundings.
A squirrel scurried by as we walked toward the playground and he stopped to say hello. The natural world is his home away from home and he is quite happy to just run free like the wind. Eventually we made it to the swing sets and slides and he began climbing and sliding. Then he crawled through the tubes and sat in one for quite a while quietly by himself. I wondered what he was thinking about.
As I watched this little guy entertain himself I was in awe at how much he observes and takes in. Sometimes he talks about it and lets me know what is on his mind and sometimes he just goes along quietly doing his own thing.
On the way back home he stopped by a gathering of trees to pick up a particular stick he found sitting on the ground in front of him. He held it in his hand, swung his arms, then he skipped along the path. As he was skipping he said out loud. “I just love sticks!”. That was the highlight of my day.
There are days when the skies are filled with clouds and the sun is hidden behind them. Some days are darker than others, still when the clouds disappear the sun shines forth and I am lifted up. I am sure many of us are.
What does that mean exactly, lifted up! Well to me it means seeing something beyond the obvious. It means allowing the darkness to be illuminated and the wisdom of my heart to be seen and felt within my very being.
Now this is not just a physical phenomenon it is a spiritual experience. It can happen in the darkest hours of the night or on a cold and snowy day when the winds are blowing so hard you can barely see two feet in front of you.
How and why is this such an enlightened experience then? Do we have to be experiencing the “dark night of the soul” in order to recognize the wisdom that shines through that darkness? Or is it something we can access anytime anywhere we choose to? This is question mystics have been asking and answering for centuries. We are all Spiritual beings first and foremost and so when we can find our way to trusting in that knowing then we are on our way home.
Shining a light into the darkest regions of our hearts can be difficult at best and darn right impossible at the very least. Often we don’t even know where those dark corners are hiding until we come up against a memory or a physical sensation that tells us we have landed on something that needs to be addressed. What I know from my own experience is when I shine a light in those regions of my being I am not doing it alone. I have experienced more than once the hand of what I call God taking my hand and leading me as well as comforting me along the way.
It is not always easy to explain what this looks or feels like for me, still I know it to be true. I can shift my thoughts away from sorrow and sadness to love and compassion on the turn of a dime if I am connecting in that moment. It is not always that easy though. Still at times it can be. Learning the process of mindfulness is one of the best ways I know of to shift gears and learn how to be present with all that is presenting itself in any given moment.
Still there are many moments when my heart is aching and my mind is telling me that I have every reason to be sad, angry or disappointed. It is in those moments that I need to take a step back and look at myself from the perspective of one who is witnessing myself in pain. It is not a problem to be solved. It is simply an observation of something that is happening in the moment. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes for me to see myself in a different light. Other times it takes days even months to move through that dark time and find the light on the other side.
This is the value and joy of having a human experience. To be able to eventually shift our way of seeing what is before us and finding the diamonds sparkling in the sawdust of all that has been working away at us over time. Psychologists may argue that the dark regions are there because of the negative experiences we have had up until that moment we see them differently. They may be right. I have had many experiences that I have reframed over my lifetime and others that I can not let go of. They are painfully resting in my heart waiting for me to let go and let God take them over.
Hanging on to such negativity is, in a way, a form of self protection. As long as I remember what it feels like to be so hurt or angry or even fearful then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again. If only that were true. The reality is that as long as I hang on to all the pain I am only reliving the original experience over and over again. So I am learning more and more how to live in the now and live through the pain until it is no longer hurting me. It becomes a story that I can tell and has no particular affect on how I am feeling now. This is something that I truly believe comes with the aging process. It is a way of looking at the world and my life in context of what is now rather than what was then.
I learned to be more consciously aware of my human shortcomings when I was caring for my aging mother and my young children. My mother talked over and over again about all the ways she was hurt in the past by family members. She could not let it go and so everyone around her was forced to listen to her ongoing rhetoric about all the times she was ignored or left with no support when she was going through difficult times. Finally she cut herself off from her family all together. At the end of her life, my sister and I were the only ones left who she was talking to and our children of course.
As I age I am determined not to be the same way with my family members. I am not sure how successful I am in that regard still I am doing my best to be present to what is now and to take responsibility for whatever I am feeling at any given point in time.
Being an aging parent I hold a certain expectation of my children which they may or may not be able to live up to. They don’t know what those expectations are neither do I know what their expectations are of me. Unless we have the conversation which for us is damn hard I may go to my grave wondering what I could have done differently or how I would liked to have been treated differently.
Ultimately, it is for us to make peace within ourselves and leave no stone unturned until we are assured that we have done the very best we could at any given point in time. By then the light will shine for us in all the corners of our hearts so that Love can prevail above all else. That is how I want to leave this world some day.
The month of April starts the birthday season in my family, including my own. There are nine all together from April 1 to May 29. There are few family members whose birthday is in other months of the year and they are the lucky ones because I never forget their birthday.
Ever since I turned sixty I have enjoyed gathering my friends together and celebrating my birthday with them. This year I was planning to host another party, then life got away on me and I decided that this year I would rather meet with them individually. Larger groups are harder for me now because it is difficult to hear and carry on a conversation with all the background noise. I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with all the energy generated when my friends gather together. We are a happy group with lots of laughing and fun stories to share with one another. I love them all for their enthusiasm and excitement for living. Still life has been very busy for me these past few months as I mentioned so I am looking forward to a quieter type of celebration this year.
I have five grandchildren, four of which have birthdays during the month of April and May. It is an exciting time for them and I want to celebrate with each of them over cake and ice cream. There is something about being with a child when they mark that special moment recognizing they are a whole year older. My youngest will be four this year and he is looking forward to starting school in the fall. My oldest is turning fifteen and she is definitely a teenager looking for adventure and hanging out with friends. The other two will be ten and eight. The first a boy and the second a girl. Turning ten is a big deal. It marks the beginning of adolescence. Turning eight means you are no longer just a little girl, rather you are coming into your own and your personality is blossoming.
I will be seventy-one this year and for me that is a full step over the threshold of the seventies. I am here now living and loving my life in this decade. I am embracing my age and all that comes with it. This past year has been a bit of an adjustment period. I settled into my life in the seniors residence, got involved in volunteer work at my church and spent time with my youngest grandson learning to play and have fun.
My son who turns forty-seven this year has lived on the other side of the ocean for many years. It has been a long time since we have celebrated our birthdays together. His is in early May. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have a son that old since I still feel that young myself sometimes.
My son-in-law has his birthday this week. He is like a son to me. I have known him since he was sixteen years old and first started dating my daughter. He has always called me mom. Now he calls me Nana. I have been witness to his incredible life journey from a young teenager to a grown man in his forties running a business and providing for his family.
My nephew and two nieces also celebrate their birthdays during this time. They all live south of the border so I don’t get to see them in person. Still I mark their special day remembering to send birthday wishes to them on our FAMJAM What’s App conversation. It keeps us all connected.
Having a birthday season in my family means taking time out every week to acknowledge and be a witness to the many ages and stages of life everyone is going through on their own and all of us together. I am at the helm of the birthday boat this year and give thanks for each and everyone of my family members.
So glad to have us all celebrating together during this special birthday season!
I am in my seventies now and I encounter a lot of people who admit they are living with some degree of hearing impairment as I am. Many have chosen to get hearing aids to help them manage conversations better. Others get along without the use of any form of aid. They choose this option mostly because they are not ready, not because they could not benefit from them. Others have tried them and just don’t like them for various reasons. If you are one of the lucky ones who has exceptional hearing then I am happy for you. Your ears and brain are still functioning at the top of your game.
Hearing loss is most often gradual and for some of us that means the people around us usually notice before we do that we are not hearing as well as we used to. We gradually learn to adapt by lip reading or other methods of communication. So we think we are doing fine. The truth is most of us are not. We are just working harder than we need to and are exhausting our nervous systems in the process. Living alone we often don’t notice that the tv or radio is on louder than it used to be. Even when we live with someone we blame them for mumbling or talking at us from another room.
Early Diagnosis
I have been hard of hearing since I was eighteen years old. The doctor told me then I had the hearing of someone in their sixties. It has been gradually getting worse since then. I got my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-two. Thus began my life long journey of learning how to adapt and hear and communicate in a world that is not user friendly for the hard of hearing. Loud noises or even music playing in the background can interfere with how hard someone has to work to listen. I must say though that technology has really improved over the decades and I am doing better now than I did in my thirties even though I hear less.
I have had years to study how the loss of hearing can affect my ability to socialize. For years I did not go to the movies because I missed too much of the dialogue and the background sound effects are too loud. I only went to foreign films with sub-titles. Now there is a device some theatres offer called Rearview Captioning that you can borrow. It goes in the cup holder and shows the subtitles under the screen. It works great. Now I can go to movies again.
When watching television I always have the closed captioning on or I don’t watch it at all. I lived without a television for more than ten years. I also avoided large gatherings of people for a long time because it was too hard to hear when I engaged in conversation. Sometimes I would go but would then sit quietly by myself just observing what was happening around me and usually people didn’t seem to notice. So even though I was out and about and trying to socialize with my friends or engage in the world, I often felt isolated and alone in the crowd. Eventually I made sure I did more one on one activities because that was easier for me to manage.
Ways We Adapt
What I have observed recently is how well I have adapted by learning all sorts of responses to give when I don’t really understand what someone has said to me without cutting off the conversation. I might say something like “that’s interesting or right or that makes sense….” The other person carries on talking assuming I am understanding them and I just sit quietly and “listen” as hard as I can to what they are saying hoping I will understand enough and have something equally as engaging to share when it is my turn to speak.
This is a learned behaviour that has developed over a long period of time. Listening is really hard work for someone with a hearing impairment, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or ability to focus that long. So we learn to fake it or isolate ourselves so we don’t have to and that can get lonely. Most of us take longer to process information so long periods of silence in between sharing information is so helpful. In todays world though I have noticed that silence makes people uncomfortable. So they try to fill it up by talking more.
My granddaughter asked me a few months ago “Nana why do you say ‘right’ so much when I am talking to you?” That was the first time I was aware I was doing it and at the time I didn’t know why I did. So after observing my behaviour I came to realize it was because I didn’t understand everything she was saying to me still I wanted to acknowledge her. I have learned over the years that most people do not like having to repeat themselves if you let them know you did not understand what they said. Often they will just say “never mind it’s not important” which cuts the conversation short and leaves the listener feeling left out.
Challenges Along the Way
Many people speak very quickly and often cover their mouths with their hands or turn their face so the listener can’t see them. Children have higher pitched voices and talk quickly going from one subject to another which often makes it hard to follow. I have tried my best to remind my grandchildren to face me when they talk with me and also to speak more slowly so I can understand everything they say because what they tell me is important to me. I did the same with my children when they were growing up. The truth is I am the one doing most of the adapting. Most of my friends and even my family have a hard time remembering I am hearing impaired. My own mother told me once I never think about it. You always do so well. Yes I do and it is very hard work sometimes.
Like most things in life change is gradual as we get older. Our bodies slow down and we learn to take things at a steady pace. Many of my friends who now have the experience of not understanding or hearing as well as they were used to are saying to me “how did you do it for all those years?”. I tell them that is a very good question. The answer is I learned to listen with my whole self – not just my ears. I developed a keen sense of observation and learned to put things in context so I could fill in the gaps. I also developed my intuition so that I could figure out what someone was talking about. I am a good listener and I listen a lot to other people. My heart is always open so what I don’t understand with my head I can feel in my heart and I respond as best I can.
The Gift of Silence and Solitude
Some of my closest companions over the years have been authors of books that I have read. When I find myself alone, not ready to venture out into the world I choose to be quiet at home with a good book. It is often one written by someone and about something I can relate to. It helps me feel connected and not so isolated and alone. I refer to my books as my friends because the words that they contain offer solace to my soul when I need it most.
I found myself wanting to pull back more and more these past few months and I wrote about it recently. What I was noticing was that my hearing was getting worse and I was more and more tired after I was in a group setting. I saw my audiologist today and she confirmed for me what I had suspected. I have lost more hearing. So she adjusted my hearing aids and hopefully that will help improved things for me when it comes to understanding and taking part in social activities. Still I am aware that the fatigue is a side affect of hearing impairment and I must take time out in silence to restore my energy and not over task my nervous system.
If you can relate to any of what I am sharing here then I encourage you to take time to regroup and if you haven’t already done so get your hearing checked. Taking care of our bodies so that we can live a rich and vibrant life is key to our well being.
This summer I have had a renewed faith in life. I have crossed over a threshold. While entering a new decade I have grown more in tune with my own inner guidance system. That gives me reason to be open to what is unfolding for me and trusting that no matter what transpires I am up for it.
My faith and belief in a higher power has provided me with a deep knowing and wisdom that comes from living life each day without fear and giving into the love that is present in and around me.
Questioning My Purpose
There have been times, many times, in my life when I have questioned the purpose and reason for my being here. Once my children had grown and left the nest and my work life was over I could see very little value in the every day things that made up my life. In fact it seemed to me to be a chore just to live and that was more of a burden than a gift.
My income has been well below the poverty line most of my life and that has had a huge impact on my world view. As a woman with a limited education and living with a hearing impairment since my early twenties, I have had to work very hard to keep my head above water. I have been brave, innovative and adventurous in ways even I marvel at sometimes. Still I have always been doing what I could to simply survive rather than thrive.
Finding a New Perspective
In my sixties I began to look at life through a different lens and started asking myself important questions about where I could best insert myself so that my years of life experience could be put to good use. I wanted all that I have lived through to count for something and to offer something to those I met along the way. I wanted to be the example of what a sense of hope and resilience can look like, knowing only comes from living through those tough experiences. I started talking more about my experiences to close friends and even my family. I stopped holding back and keeping my thoughts to myself. I shared what I had been through and what I was currently living with. Then others started sharing with me what they experienced and so the stories unfolded page by page.
Talking to God
I have been on a spiritual journey my entire life. From a very young age I would talk with God and ask for help and pose questions about things I did not understand. God was never an old man in the sky to me. God was a part of me that I knew and trusted was somehow connected to something bigger and wiser and knew more than I ever could. I found I could connect to that power just by closing my eyes and breathing and listening for that still small voice or by talking out loud to whatever I knew that power to be. God didn’t always speak to me in words or in a male voice. I often heard her speak as a woman especially when I was older. Sometimes I simply had a physical sensation that came over my whole body or a feeling of deep and abiding love that gave me reason to trust all is well no matter how bad things seemed. My faith in that sometimes overwhelming feeling got me through some very scary times. My heart got broken sometimes and I made many some bad decisions that cost me dearly along the way, still through it all I knew I was never alone.
Accepting the Changes in My Body
Now I have stepped quietly into the next decade of my seventies and that has given way to some really challenging and unexpected revelations. Some of my body functions are diminishing and my physical strength is weaker than it was even a few months ago. I was recently asked by someone older and wiser than me, and who I have a great deal of respect for, whether I choose to push on and through the changes or whether I choose to simply accept them and adjust my life accordingly.
That is a really good question and one I need to sit with because I don’t think there is a simple one answer fits all to the question. There are some things I know for sure. I am not an exercise person so going to a class to gain more physical strength is something I choose to avoid. I choose to get up and move around, to dance to the music that is playing on my bluetooth speaker and walk with my friends and grandchildren. That is how I keep up my physical strength. If that is not enough then I will accept that my muscles are getting weaker and adjust myself accordingly.
Pushing Through the Challenges
I used to love cooking and preparing food for myself. I never liked the clean up part though. Still I did both because that was the only way I could afford to eat and nourish myself. Now I live in a tiny studio apartment with a very small kitchen so I have come to accept that food preparation and clean up are both more challenging. Sometimes I choose to push through this one and find easier ways of preparing my foods. I no longer make big meals which require lots of dishes to wash and put away. Simple one dish meals are my go to. I don’t own a microwave so sometimes I eat leftovers cold. They taste just as good and there is only one dish to wash. My food budget does not go as far as it used to, as so many of us are experiencing, still there are times I choose to eat out because I just want someone to serve me. Accepting that and allowing myself that little bit of luxury now and again has made such a difference in how I feel about nourishing myself. I haven’t reached the tea and toast stage yet though I can see how that happens. Fortunately, many of my friends are in the same position so we spend time together enjoying a light meal and each others company. We encourage each other to just keep on keeping on. Food security is a huge problem among seniors these days. Fortunately there are some programs to help us out.
Aging Consciously
These past few months have given me lots to ponder and look at through the lens of Aging Consciously. Those of my generation are aging and many are doing it in the same way we have lived our lives up until now. We have been self aware and conscious of the the ways in which we interact in the world so why would any of that change just because we are getting older. There are so many books written about this very subject and so many memoirs are being written to give meaning to our lives. We are reading them because we want to see how others have lived and are aging as well as to see ourselves in the mirror of those pages.
Not everyone is cut out to be a writer or an artist or playwright or filmmaker. Still most of us are cut out to be an audience of such creative endeavours. I for one am thrilled when I come across a good story about older people especially older women who are finding meaning and purpose in life long into their later years. It gives me hope for my own future. As well I think it shows the world that growing older does not mean we have to give up on life. Our worlds may get smaller as we lose our independence and our minds may get more confused still we are alive and our hearts are pumping blood through our veins. That must mean we are here for a reason. Maybe our purpose is to give someone else a reason to care for a fellow human being. None of us really knows or maybe some us do. Perhaps the older I get the clearer that will become.
What I am learning is that we may not know our reason or purpose for being here and it doesn’t really matter because we are here and that means we need to simply enjoy even the most mundane things in life. We are here as a testament of a life lived through decades of change and sometimes struggle and those who really see us can bear witness to that fact, even total strangers.
Love has brought us into this world and Love will take us out when it is time. For now though what I know for sure is LIFE IS WORTH LIVING everyday.
Summer in my part of the world is a time when people slow down and try to get away to relax and take more time for play. I often hear from those who enjoy getting away to a beach or cottage where they can relax and do some summer reading. It is a time when a lot people find they feel more creative and want to be out in their gardens or in their studios painting. Writers take time away as an opportunity to envision what they may write about next or perhaps hole themselves away to write their next novel or short story.
The days of sunlight are much longer and the energy of the sun can inspire and guide us. There are also the summer storms that roar in sometimes without notice and we are caught in a downpour. Some people love to watch the thunder and lightening that often accompanies thunderstorms in my part of the country. The crash and roar of the skies opening up to release a build up of electrical energy is both invigorating and sometimes unnerving.
For me summer brings a mix of emotions. I have noticed my biorhythms are at their lowest in summer. Wanting to rest and lay low with little ambition to do much I take it easy. The hot weather discourages me from being outside or being too active. My body does not do well in the heat. I have friends, on the other hand, who love it and feel energized by the warming of the sun and hot humid air that makes them sweat. Not me! I am a cool weather person.
Still this summer I have had a great time just hanging out with friends and enjoying the lazy, hazy days of summer. I love watching baseball and look forward to attending a Blue Jays game in Toronto before the end of the season. Oh I know the Blue Jays have not been doing well this year still they are my team and I stand by them no matter what.
This past weekend I had the great pleasure of going to the motor racetrack with my son in law and grandson to watch them both race. My son in law raced his Mustang GT on the road track and my ten year old grandson raced his ATV four wheeler on the drag strip. It was so much fun to watch them. They are both amazing drivers. The biggest thrill of the day though was when my son in law asked me if I wanted to go around the track with him. I sat in the passengers seat while he raced around the track. We did two laps and I have never gone that fast in my life. Whizzing around tight corners and going full out on the straight away was so exciting for me. I don’t know what made me say yes because I am usually really scared of speed. This time though something inside me said yes, go for it. I am so glad I did. My son in law told me I was a real champion. I told him I am not here for a long time. I am here for a good time and that was definitely a good time.
I am finding at this stage of my life it is more about finding that thrill in life than it is about staying safe. Not that long ago I was in survival mode and doing whatever I could to stay the course and keep myself from falling off the edge. Now I live on the edge looking out into the unknown excited to discover what is out there and what new things I can learn about. It is no longer about maintaining the status quo and perhaps never was for me. I have always been courageous and wanting to see life from different vantage points. Being in the passenger seat of a race car was definitely a new vantage point and gave me lots to consider about life in general.
So dear friends, wherever you are, whatever stage of life you are in I wish for you a life this summer and beyond that brings you something that gives you a thrill and offers you a new perspective. Life is meant to lived full out and also to be savoured. I have learned that you do not have to get away to a beach or cottage to have a good summer. We can have the best experience of our lives at home with ourselves or sitting on a park bench watching the birds and squirrels enjoying life in the trees. Wherever you are and whatever you get up choose to make it fun and joyful for yourself. Happy Summer!
The Pillow Philosopher 