It seems the world is spinning faster and faster every day. Chaos reigns all over. Yet in the quiet of a regular day I can feel the joy that is also there. There is hope everywhere when you are open to seeing and feeling it. Even if you are not looking when you become still and listen you can hear the birds chirping. They are telling us of a new world order that is coming our way. In fact it is already here. We just can’t see it yet.
I have been feeling the need to withdraw into myself for a while now. It takes great effort for me to engage with people these days. I have a hard time coming up with topics of conversation. So I often sit quietly and ask questions so others can share what is on their mind. I love to listen and hear their stories. It inspires me and keeps me connected. At the same time, what they share gives me more to consider in my own life. My heart reaches out to them and we connect Soul to Soul.
What is this need to withdraw and be quiet all about anyway? I am not sure exactly. I just know that I am much more relaxed and content in my life right now. I am comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company. It has taken a while to reconnect to this sense of belonging I so needed. To be part of something greater than myself again. It is bigger than the world outside my door. It is a sense of being a conduit of peace and kindness. It is of love and compassion. This feeling comes from a source that is more powerful and more genuine than I can describe in words.
For weeks I have felt lost in the wilderness. I did not know how to connect. I was longing for a sign or feeling a hand reaching out for me. I crawled into my bed and slept away the hours that felt empty and without purpose. Then in my dreams, a still small voice spoke inside me. During my quiet time, it gave me reassurance. I am not alone. I live in a world filled with love. People who genuinely care about one another surround me. They also care for the Earth.
At church this week I was sitting quietly waiting for the service to start. The music director, who I genuinely love as a kindred spirit, came over to me unexpectedly. He bent down and gave me a warm heartfelt hug. I can’t tell you what a gift that was to feel his arms around me even for a few seconds. I felt the presence of God in that moment. Something opened inside me that had been closed off. I listened intently to words of the songs being sung. I watched the choir as their faces lit up when they sang. I listened intently to the scripture readings and the prayers that were shared. Every word landed on my heart and brought me joy. The sermon stirred in me images of Truth and Reconciliation with the people who first inhabited this land. I felt sad for and with them. Still there was hope in the message. There were references to ways we can make peace with the past. By the end of the service, I felt myself emerging from the dark shadows where I had been dwelling.
I was reminded about all the people in my life who I care about and who care about me. It was a time of Truth and Reconciliation for me. I came to understand how often I forget to make that conscious decision to be quiet and still. Even just a few minutes of stillness is important. It is in the stillness that I find the truth of my well being.
I am happy to say that I am finding Joy in my life again. I am looking through a clearer lens than ever before. My spiritual home is where I live joyfully for each day is a new beginning. For now, as an Earth Dweller, I seek a new way. I want to experience fully what is in my every day. I want to find my way along life’s path to the beauty that surrounds me.
I wish the same for you dear reader. What brings you joy? Where do you connect with the Still Small Voice in you? How do you walk upon the Earth with Love in your Heart?
For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.
This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead. I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall. At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face. It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular. I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost. When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.
Family
Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family. I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend. When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that. I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives. They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana. That being said we are a very small family. We get together periodically for family events or special holidays. Mostly we live independently though. My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career. His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.
My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live. I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more. We are all growing older and life is changing.
Living On My Own
I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income. It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away. Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.
I do not see a move in my future anytime soon. I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have. I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.
Listening with My Heart
Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am turning the page. I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life. I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar. I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.
So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now? Where do I look for meaning and support? My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late. I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for. I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains. Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.
I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is. I have seventy one years of life experience. I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit. I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch. I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.
Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path
So how do I do that? Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal? Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them? The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both. Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion. Maybe it requires a bit of both.
There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world. Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.
What I have experienced of late is this. Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.” My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again. Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.
That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance. I can’t do it by myself. I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have. We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.
Soul Companions
I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them. We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country. Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful. When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community. I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years. It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with. It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us. It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.
Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online. Fortunately, my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly. Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world. Everything is changing and we are changing with it.
This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!
There are days when the skies are filled with clouds and the sun is hidden behind them. Some days are darker than others, still when the clouds disappear the sun shines forth and I am lifted up. I am sure many of us are.
What does that mean exactly, lifted up! Well to me it means seeing something beyond the obvious. It means allowing the darkness to be illuminated and the wisdom of my heart to be seen and felt within my very being.
Now this is not just a physical phenomenon it is a spiritual experience. It can happen in the darkest hours of the night or on a cold and snowy day when the winds are blowing so hard you can barely see two feet in front of you.
How and why is this such an enlightened experience then? Do we have to be experiencing the “dark night of the soul” in order to recognize the wisdom that shines through that darkness? Or is it something we can access anytime anywhere we choose to? This is question mystics have been asking and answering for centuries. We are all Spiritual beings first and foremost and so when we can find our way to trusting in that knowing then we are on our way home.
Shining a light into the darkest regions of our hearts can be difficult at best and darn right impossible at the very least. Often we don’t even know where those dark corners are hiding until we come up against a memory or a physical sensation that tells us we have landed on something that needs to be addressed. What I know from my own experience is when I shine a light in those regions of my being I am not doing it alone. I have experienced more than once the hand of what I call God taking my hand and leading me as well as comforting me along the way.
It is not always easy to explain what this looks or feels like for me, still I know it to be true. I can shift my thoughts away from sorrow and sadness to love and compassion on the turn of a dime if I am connecting in that moment. It is not always that easy though. Still at times it can be. Learning the process of mindfulness is one of the best ways I know of to shift gears and learn how to be present with all that is presenting itself in any given moment.
Still there are many moments when my heart is aching and my mind is telling me that I have every reason to be sad, angry or disappointed. It is in those moments that I need to take a step back and look at myself from the perspective of one who is witnessing myself in pain. It is not a problem to be solved. It is simply an observation of something that is happening in the moment. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes for me to see myself in a different light. Other times it takes days even months to move through that dark time and find the light on the other side.
This is the value and joy of having a human experience. To be able to eventually shift our way of seeing what is before us and finding the diamonds sparkling in the sawdust of all that has been working away at us over time. Psychologists may argue that the dark regions are there because of the negative experiences we have had up until that moment we see them differently. They may be right. I have had many experiences that I have reframed over my lifetime and others that I can not let go of. They are painfully resting in my heart waiting for me to let go and let God take them over.
Hanging on to such negativity is, in a way, a form of self protection. As long as I remember what it feels like to be so hurt or angry or even fearful then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again. If only that were true. The reality is that as long as I hang on to all the pain I am only reliving the original experience over and over again. So I am learning more and more how to live in the now and live through the pain until it is no longer hurting me. It becomes a story that I can tell and has no particular affect on how I am feeling now. This is something that I truly believe comes with the aging process. It is a way of looking at the world and my life in context of what is now rather than what was then.
I learned to be more consciously aware of my human shortcomings when I was caring for my aging mother and my young children. My mother talked over and over again about all the ways she was hurt in the past by family members. She could not let it go and so everyone around her was forced to listen to her ongoing rhetoric about all the times she was ignored or left with no support when she was going through difficult times. Finally she cut herself off from her family all together. At the end of her life, my sister and I were the only ones left who she was talking to and our children of course.
As I age I am determined not to be the same way with my family members. I am not sure how successful I am in that regard still I am doing my best to be present to what is now and to take responsibility for whatever I am feeling at any given point in time.
Being an aging parent I hold a certain expectation of my children which they may or may not be able to live up to. They don’t know what those expectations are neither do I know what their expectations are of me. Unless we have the conversation which for us is damn hard I may go to my grave wondering what I could have done differently or how I would liked to have been treated differently.
Ultimately, it is for us to make peace within ourselves and leave no stone unturned until we are assured that we have done the very best we could at any given point in time. By then the light will shine for us in all the corners of our hearts so that Love can prevail above all else. That is how I want to leave this world some day.
I am in my seventies now and I encounter a lot of people who admit they are living with some degree of hearing impairment as I am. Many have chosen to get hearing aids to help them manage conversations better. Others get along without the use of any form of aid. They choose this option mostly because they are not ready, not because they could not benefit from them. Others have tried them and just don’t like them for various reasons. If you are one of the lucky ones who has exceptional hearing then I am happy for you. Your ears and brain are still functioning at the top of your game.
Hearing loss is most often gradual and for some of us that means the people around us usually notice before we do that we are not hearing as well as we used to. We gradually learn to adapt by lip reading or other methods of communication. So we think we are doing fine. The truth is most of us are not. We are just working harder than we need to and are exhausting our nervous systems in the process. Living alone we often don’t notice that the tv or radio is on louder than it used to be. Even when we live with someone we blame them for mumbling or talking at us from another room.
Early Diagnosis
I have been hard of hearing since I was eighteen years old. The doctor told me then I had the hearing of someone in their sixties. It has been gradually getting worse since then. I got my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-two. Thus began my life long journey of learning how to adapt and hear and communicate in a world that is not user friendly for the hard of hearing. Loud noises or even music playing in the background can interfere with how hard someone has to work to listen. I must say though that technology has really improved over the decades and I am doing better now than I did in my thirties even though I hear less.
I have had years to study how the loss of hearing can affect my ability to socialize. For years I did not go to the movies because I missed too much of the dialogue and the background sound effects are too loud. I only went to foreign films with sub-titles. Now there is a device some theatres offer called Rearview Captioning that you can borrow. It goes in the cup holder and shows the subtitles under the screen. It works great. Now I can go to movies again.
When watching television I always have the closed captioning on or I don’t watch it at all. I lived without a television for more than ten years. I also avoided large gatherings of people for a long time because it was too hard to hear when I engaged in conversation. Sometimes I would go but would then sit quietly by myself just observing what was happening around me and usually people didn’t seem to notice. So even though I was out and about and trying to socialize with my friends or engage in the world, I often felt isolated and alone in the crowd. Eventually I made sure I did more one on one activities because that was easier for me to manage.
Ways We Adapt
What I have observed recently is how well I have adapted by learning all sorts of responses to give when I don’t really understand what someone has said to me without cutting off the conversation. I might say something like “that’s interesting or right or that makes sense….” The other person carries on talking assuming I am understanding them and I just sit quietly and “listen” as hard as I can to what they are saying hoping I will understand enough and have something equally as engaging to share when it is my turn to speak.
This is a learned behaviour that has developed over a long period of time. Listening is really hard work for someone with a hearing impairment, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or ability to focus that long. So we learn to fake it or isolate ourselves so we don’t have to and that can get lonely. Most of us take longer to process information so long periods of silence in between sharing information is so helpful. In todays world though I have noticed that silence makes people uncomfortable. So they try to fill it up by talking more.
My granddaughter asked me a few months ago “Nana why do you say ‘right’ so much when I am talking to you?” That was the first time I was aware I was doing it and at the time I didn’t know why I did. So after observing my behaviour I came to realize it was because I didn’t understand everything she was saying to me still I wanted to acknowledge her. I have learned over the years that most people do not like having to repeat themselves if you let them know you did not understand what they said. Often they will just say “never mind it’s not important” which cuts the conversation short and leaves the listener feeling left out.
Challenges Along the Way
Many people speak very quickly and often cover their mouths with their hands or turn their face so the listener can’t see them. Children have higher pitched voices and talk quickly going from one subject to another which often makes it hard to follow. I have tried my best to remind my grandchildren to face me when they talk with me and also to speak more slowly so I can understand everything they say because what they tell me is important to me. I did the same with my children when they were growing up. The truth is I am the one doing most of the adapting. Most of my friends and even my family have a hard time remembering I am hearing impaired. My own mother told me once I never think about it. You always do so well. Yes I do and it is very hard work sometimes.
Like most things in life change is gradual as we get older. Our bodies slow down and we learn to take things at a steady pace. Many of my friends who now have the experience of not understanding or hearing as well as they were used to are saying to me “how did you do it for all those years?”. I tell them that is a very good question. The answer is I learned to listen with my whole self – not just my ears. I developed a keen sense of observation and learned to put things in context so I could fill in the gaps. I also developed my intuition so that I could figure out what someone was talking about. I am a good listener and I listen a lot to other people. My heart is always open so what I don’t understand with my head I can feel in my heart and I respond as best I can.
The Gift of Silence and Solitude
Some of my closest companions over the years have been authors of books that I have read. When I find myself alone, not ready to venture out into the world I choose to be quiet at home with a good book. It is often one written by someone and about something I can relate to. It helps me feel connected and not so isolated and alone. I refer to my books as my friends because the words that they contain offer solace to my soul when I need it most.
I found myself wanting to pull back more and more these past few months and I wrote about it recently. What I was noticing was that my hearing was getting worse and I was more and more tired after I was in a group setting. I saw my audiologist today and she confirmed for me what I had suspected. I have lost more hearing. So she adjusted my hearing aids and hopefully that will help improved things for me when it comes to understanding and taking part in social activities. Still I am aware that the fatigue is a side affect of hearing impairment and I must take time out in silence to restore my energy and not over task my nervous system.
If you can relate to any of what I am sharing here then I encourage you to take time to regroup and if you haven’t already done so get your hearing checked. Taking care of our bodies so that we can live a rich and vibrant life is key to our well being.
I have been taking a long over due break from writing on this blog and it is now time for me to start over. Since I first began writing on these pages the world has been spinning at a speed that at times makes me want to jump off. It is hard to imagine what life would be like if we could just take a long break from everything and collect our own thoughts and connect with our own feelings without the input of outside influences. I am not certain it is even possible anymore though I am sure many have tried.
I have been feeling quite isolated in some ways and in other ways thinking I am so well connected what is this feeling of isolation really about. It comes down to being disconnected from myself. Where did the break happen and how, where do I find that lost part of me that is floating off in the ethers somewhere. Prayer and meditation help. Writing of course connects me to myself in ways I have discovered over the years is part of finding my authentic voice. What I am learning now, though, is that writing is not enough. I must use my actual voice to tell my story. Somehow forming the words in my mouth, saying them out loud, to people who are receptive to what I have to say, brings me such joy. As I look across at the person or people who are listening to me I feel a sense of true connection that is both mesmerizing and grounding. The Spirit in me touches the Spirit in them and we truly see each other. The connection is experienced in a way that is unique to each individual.
Carl Jung said we were all mirrors to each other and when we look into another’s eyes we are really seeing ourselves — the parts we love and the parts we hold with distain. I also heard a phrase the other day at meeting I was attending. One of the members said “Be the Lighthouse not the Tugboat”. Somehow, that phrase stuck with me and left me wondering when and how am I a lighthouse and when and how am I being a tugboat. What is it that I am tugging along behind me. Is it a boat full of people who I can’t let go of or ideas that I just hold onto because they have always been with me and even though they don’t serve my highest good anymore I still use my precious energy to keep them afloat. For example, when someone is being mean or super critical of someone I know my first instinct is to defend that individual especially if they are not there to defend themself. Who am I to be the champion of the underdog? Maybe the super critical one knows something I don’t. What I am learning to do is be the lighthouse and shine compassion on both the people involved. Having compassion for someone who is so hypercritical can be very hard, much harder than having compassion for the one being criticized. Either way the choice is mine. I can real with righteous indignation and wind myself up into a frenzy or step back and soften the response with one of kindness and compassion. This is just one very small example of how easy it is to be a tug boat and not even realize what you are pulling behind you.
The Pillow Philosopher 