Tag: self examination

Finding Peace Amid Chaos: A Personal Reflection

At the end of October or beginning of November, I can’t quite remember, I retreated from the world. I needed time to be quiet and find the stillness within me. I needed to be peaceful and focus my attention on what my heart was telling me. My mind is always busy thinking about my family, friends and events in the world. I do my best to live in gratitude and to be kind, still I am human. I can have moments of frustration and deep and abiding anger at what I see and hear about what is happening around the world these days. Even in the lovely seniors apartment building where I live I hear about in fighting among the residents. They complain about the silliest things instead of feeling grateful for all we are given here. So I needed to take a break from it all.

It has been a deeply personal time of reflection and contemplation. Doing my best to stay in the present moment. I go to bed every night with love in my heart giving thanks for all the many ways I am graced with a good life. I wake up in the morning grateful for a new day to begin again. We can only live one day at a time so that is what I have been practicing. Being a deeply spiritual person I find hope, peace, joy and love in so many places. At the same time, I experience the crushing blow of violence in and around each of us as we walk in this world that is full of despair and misery.

I have to be honest with you all. I have been deeply affected by the story of Michele and Rob Reiner’s death this week. It weighs heavy on my heart. Not because they were celebrities because they were honest, kind and loving human beings who walked in this world bringing a message of hope to all who needed to hear it. Still they were met with a violent death at the hands of a son who they loved and tried tirelessly to help. This is not just their story. It is the story of humanity. It is how we are hurting and killing each other every day without even realizing it, because we can not see past the dark side of our humanity and into the light of Love from which we are all born.

In the quiet of my own home and in the stillness of my heart I pray every day for the people of the world who are painfully unaware of how their thoughts and feelings are impacting all of humanity. We are all connected. I truly believe and trust in that knowing. I can not love my neighbour without also loving my enemy. I can only love myself when I am able to accept with grace the Love that comes to and through me from my higher power. That is the light that shines in the darkness. That is the light that comes to us each year at this time. The longest and darkest day of the year is coming up very soon. Then the light will begin to return. We are all called to carry that light within us and shine it in the world wherever we are and in whatever we do.

This year I have had a different experience of what it means for me to be celebrating the season of Advent and soon Christmas as a Christian. I have been reflecting on the story of the nativity. The story of travelling toward the moment and place where Love and innocence are born into the world at a time of great upheaval. I have also been reviewing the events reported about the life of Jesus as he lived the human experience. In these stories I have seen my own story reflected. I have seen the story of what it means to be both human and holy. I see how we are called to stand up and challenge those dark forces that no longer carry the light of Love. When I hear and read stories of violence and overpowering condemnation, I find myself falling on my knees in prayer. Help me see through the darkness, I pray. Help me see through to the light of each human being who has been crushed and traumatized to the point that they can no longer experience anything but hatred, pain and a need to violate all that is good in this world. Then I pray for every soul on this beautiful Earth. I pray for the Peace that passes all understanding. I pray that Love surrounds us all and brings hope where it is most needed. I pray that everyone’s heart is opened to receive the gift that is theirs to receive.

So dear reader, whether you celebrate the season of Christmas or take time to reflect on whatever this time of year means for you, may you find what you are looking for. May you experience the gift of Love in its many forms. May you know Peace in your heart trusting in the Light to guide you along life’s path in the coming year. May all be well in your world. Many blessings to you.

Posted on by Beth 4

Finding Joy in Quiet Moments

It seems the world is spinning faster and faster every day. Chaos reigns all over. Yet in the quiet of a regular day I can feel the joy that is also there. There is hope everywhere when you are open to seeing and feeling it. Even if you are not looking when you become still and listen you can hear the birds chirping. They are telling us of a new world order that is coming our way. In fact it is already here. We just can’t see it yet.

I have been feeling the need to withdraw into myself for a while now. It takes great effort for me to engage with people these days. I have a hard time coming up with topics of conversation. So I often sit quietly and ask questions so others can share what is on their mind. I love to listen and hear their stories. It inspires me and keeps me connected. At the same time, what they share gives me more to consider in my own life. My heart reaches out to them and we connect Soul to Soul.

What is this need to withdraw and be quiet all about anyway? I am not sure exactly. I just know that I am much more relaxed and content in my life right now. I am comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company. It has taken a while to reconnect to this sense of belonging I so needed. To be part of something greater than myself again. It is bigger than the world outside my door. It is a sense of being a conduit of peace and kindness. It is of love and compassion. This feeling comes from a source that is more powerful and more genuine than I can describe in words.

For weeks I have felt lost in the wilderness. I did not know how to connect. I was longing for a sign or feeling a hand reaching out for me. I crawled into my bed and slept away the hours that felt empty and without purpose. Then in my dreams, a still small voice spoke inside me. During my quiet time, it gave me reassurance. I am not alone. I live in a world filled with love. People who genuinely care about one another surround me. They also care for the Earth.

At church this week I was sitting quietly waiting for the service to start. The music director, who I genuinely love as a kindred spirit, came over to me unexpectedly. He bent down and gave me a warm heartfelt hug. I can’t tell you what a gift that was to feel his arms around me even for a few seconds. I felt the presence of God in that moment. Something opened inside me that had been closed off. I listened intently to words of the songs being sung. I watched the choir as their faces lit up when they sang. I listened intently to the scripture readings and the prayers that were shared. Every word landed on my heart and brought me joy. The sermon stirred in me images of Truth and Reconciliation with the people who first inhabited this land. I felt sad for and with them. Still there was hope in the message. There were references to ways we can make peace with the past. By the end of the service, I felt myself emerging from the dark shadows where I had been dwelling.

I was reminded about all the people in my life who I care about and who care about me. It was a time of Truth and Reconciliation for me. I came to understand how often I forget to make that conscious decision to be quiet and still. Even just a few minutes of stillness is important. It is in the stillness that I find the truth of my well being.

I am happy to say that I am finding Joy in my life again. I am looking through a clearer lens than ever before. My spiritual home is where I live joyfully for each day is a new beginning. For now, as an Earth Dweller, I seek a new way. I want to experience fully what is in my every day. I want to find my way along life’s path to the beauty that surrounds me. 


I wish the same for you dear reader. What brings you joy? Where do you connect with the Still Small Voice in you? How do you walk upon the Earth with Love in your Heart?




Posted on by Beth 0

Finding Beauty in Autumn: Life Lessons from Nature

It has been a while since I have written anything here and now Autumn is upon us. We had a very long and often hot summer. I was surrounded by luscious green lawns and beautiful gardens filled with rich colours that made my heart sing.

Now I am watching the life force in the plants slowly return to the Earth. Leaves are turning colour and gently falling to the ground. Orchards are filled with people picking fruits from the trees. Farmers are harvesting corn, squash and pumpkins from the fields. Those who love to can and preserve are making chili sauce and various jams and jellies. The farmer’s markets are loaded with fresh produce from their fields and gardens. Those of us who live in small apartments gain from the bounty of their harvest. There is nothing like a pan of fresh roasted vegetables to warm the heart and soul.

I spent a good deal of my time alone this summer and took the opportunity to do a life review. Looking not just to the past or out into the future but at the here and now. Where am I now? Where are we all at this moment in time. I am in the autumn of my life. What does that mean exactly? To me it means capturing the life force within me. Finding the fruits of my own labours. I am sharing what I have discovered over the years. I pay close attention to the lessons learned from poor choices made along the way. No one gets through life without a few hard knocks now and then. Still what I know for sure is my life is full of examples of Love leading the way.

I have always been a peace maker/keeper at heart. I lead with my heart and speak sincerely from what I know to be true for me. I have lived with a hearing impairment for over fifty years. I have also learned to listen with my whole self, not just my ears. I pay attention to body language, physical surroundings and follow my intuition when it gives a clear message. I also use my head to carefully analyze a situation when required before making any decisions or comments. The last piece of advice my mother gave me before she left this world was “Follow your heart.” But she also said, “Don’t lose your head!” She always thought I was too soft. She believed I was wishy washy and sat on the fence. She advised that I should state my opinion strongly like she always did. Her favourite saying was “I mean what I say and say what I mean!” Sometimes what she had to say was mean and still she stood by it. Mostly, though she was right more often than not.

Still for me, I see great value in seeing all sides of a story. Finding the common ground is important before expressing an opinion. My style of leadership is to listen twice as much as I speak. If I don’t have anything to say that will add to the conversation then I just listen until I do. This is particularly true now that I am living in the autumn of my life.

The beauty of autumn is that all the rich green of new life matures. It becomes vibrant colours of brown, orange, yellow and red. Eventually, it joins the Earth to break down and enrich the soil with its nutrients. This becomes fodder for micro organisms that work to break it down so that new life will emerge from it.

Our life experience becomes the nutrients that make up the wisdom of our elder years. We need to live long enough for it to build up. It must then be broken down into micro organisms of thoughts and knowledge. I am just now starting to glean the wisdom of my years of life experience. I see the beauty in living a long life. It allows me to understand what I have been through. I also see what I learned from it. Now is the time to nurture that and also to share it with others. That is why I write and tell stories. I offer what I can when I can. This happens when I am in conversation with family, friends, and others I meet along the way.

This is a wonderful time of year and time of life. It is not about losing life force energy. It is about the life force being transformed into a new form of life. This new form lives on in all its richness.

Posted on by Beth 3

TURNING THE PAGE – Starting a New Chapter

For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.

This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead.  I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall.  At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face.  It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular.  I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost.  When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.

Family

Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family.  I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend.  When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that.  I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives.  They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana.  That being said we are a very small family.  We get together periodically for family events or special holidays.   Mostly we live independently though.   My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career.  His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.

My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live.  I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more.  We are all growing older and life is changing.  

Living On My Own

I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income.  It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away.  Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.

I do not see a move in my future anytime soon.  I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have.  I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.   

Listening with My Heart

Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life.  I am turning the page.   I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life.  I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar.  I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.

So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now?  Where do I look for meaning and support?  My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late.  I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for.  I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains.   Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.

I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is.  I have seventy one years of life experience.  I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit.  I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch.  I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.  

Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path

So how do I do that?  Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal?  Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them?  The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both.  Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion.  Maybe it requires a bit of both.  

There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world.  Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.  

What I have experienced of late is this.  Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.”  My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again.  Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.

That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance.  I can’t do it by myself.  I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have.  We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.  

Soul Companions

I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them.  We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country.  Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful.  When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community.  I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years.   It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with.  It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us.  It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.

Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online.  Fortunately,  my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly.  Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world.  Everything is changing and we are changing with it.

This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!

Posted on by Beth 2

Finding Peace in Quiet Summer Days

The summer is well underway and life is very quiet for me these days.  What I mean by that is there is not much I feel like doing.  I am taking the summer “off”. I spend hours scrolling on my phone or IPAD.  It is a constant companion as I train my brain with word games, online card games and connecting with “friends” on Facebook.  I have been considering giving it all up for the summer and just being quiet with no technical distractions.  Then I question whether I can actually do it.  It has become such a strong habit that I wonder if it would qualify as an addiction.  Or is it just how I companion myself?

The truth is summers have always been quiet for me ever since I can remember.  I spent a lot of time on my own feeling bored when I was young. My friends were often away at family cottages or on family road trips while my family stayed home.  One summer I worked as a Mother’s Helper and went to their cottage with them.  As a teenager I got a summer job working at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE) in Toronto for two weeks at the end of August till Labour Day.  I worked at a booth in the Better Living Building for a company called GH Wood where they displayed a million dollars in cash.  They were actually a company that made and sold cleaning products which is why they were in the Better Living building.  It was a boring job just standing there in some silly costume for six hours at a time but it gave me pocket money which I enjoyed having.  I had fun talking with the security guards who were there to protect the money.

For a few years in my early teens, my family rented a cottage in Sudbury Ontario for the summer.  Who goes to Sudbury for the summer?  Nobody I knew.  It was ok I guess as I did make some friends there and we got to go water skiing and surfboarding when our friends Stella and Jack came to visit with their boat.

The truth is I always had very little energy to do much in the summer especially when it was hot out.  That didn’t change as I got older.  In fact, it actually got worse.   As I aged I felt less and less like doing much of anything in the summer.  I have accepted that and have learned to enjoy it.  

What I love doing now is to watch baseball on TV.  The Toronto Blue Jays are like family to me.  I watch them and cheer them on as if they were all my sons.  It seems crazy to me that I enjoy the game so much still they are good company for me on a very quiet Sunday afternoon.

I sometimes feel sad and lonely on weekends, especially Sundays because I have always thought of it as family day.  Growing up I spent Sunday afternoons with my family and watching golf on TV with my dad. That is if I wasn’t having a nap.   Mom always made a good Sunday supper and we all gathered around the table together sometimes with special guests joining us.  In the summer dad would always barbecue. 

The hard part now is there is no one to remember those stories with or tell them too.  My sister who lives miles away is often busy with her family on Sundays and my kids have their own lives to live. Writing the stories is not the same as telling them around the dinner table, still I am doing my best to write them down.

When I was married Sunday was a work day.  My husband, a minister, would work in the morning and then often sleep on the sofa in afternoon. If he had people he had to visit in hospital, then he would head out.  I tried to get in the habit of making a good Sunday supper like my mom did.  Still I was on my own a lot with the kids, unless they were out playing with their friends, then I was just on my own. I didn’t always want to cook a big dinner.  It was a lonely time for me during those days when we lived far away from family.  When we moved back to our home town my in-laws often hosted Sunday suppers and it was a command performance for all the kids.  We were expected to show up and dress up.  My mother in law said if she was going to go to the trouble of making a nice dinner and setting a nice table then we could put some effort into dressing for the occasion — Sunday best.  Summer time was considered dress casual.

I now no longer plan things for after church on Sunday.  In fact, I enjoy that quiet time where I can read and perhaps even enjoy an afternoon nap.  Sunday suppers are no longer big meals unless I am invited out.  It is more like grazing all afternoon while watching baseball.  I wonder how many others who are older like me take a break from cooking on Sunday?

Being quiet by myself with time on my own in the summer is something I am practising and getting comfortable with.  There are days I simply let the time pass without really accomplishing much and that is ok because being present to what is in my day to day living gives me a sense of purpose. I am so grateful for all that I have. I am happy to have a lovely home to be in. I am thankful for a healthy body and for all the times I do spend with my family either in person or on the phone. I feel lonely and bored sometimes and that is ok too. I can change that anytime I choose to. I appreciate that the connection and love I have with my family and friends is much more than so many people have.

I have learned to make peace with loneliness by spending time quietly on my own. I enjoy my own company and the tranquility of these restful summer days. Being bored is just another way of saying I want to engage more with life. Figuring out how to do that is my Spiritual work. Is summer a busy time for you or are you taking time out from your busy lives to be quiet and rest?

Posted on by Beth 1

Waiting: A Journey through Darkness to Light

There are days when the skies are filled with clouds and the sun is hidden behind them.  Some days are darker than others, still when the clouds disappear the sun shines forth and I am lifted up. I am sure many of us are.

What does that mean exactly, lifted up!  Well to me it means seeing something beyond the obvious.  It means allowing the darkness to be illuminated and the wisdom of my heart to be seen and felt within my very being.

Now this is not just a physical phenomenon it is a spiritual experience.  It can happen in the darkest hours of the night or on a cold and snowy day when the winds are blowing so hard you can barely see two feet in front of you.

How and why is this such an enlightened experience then?  Do we have to be experiencing the “dark night of the soul” in order to recognize the wisdom that shines through that darkness?  Or is it something we can access anytime anywhere we choose to?  This is question mystics have been asking and answering for centuries.  We are all Spiritual beings first and foremost and so when we can find our way to trusting in that knowing then we are on our way home. 

Shining a light into the darkest regions of our hearts can be difficult at best and darn right impossible at the very least.  Often we don’t even know where those dark corners are hiding until we come up against a memory or a physical sensation that tells us we have landed on something that needs to be addressed.   What I know from my own experience is when I shine a light in those regions of my being I am not doing it alone.  I have experienced more than once the hand of what I call God taking my hand and leading me as well as comforting me along the way.

It is not always easy to explain what this looks or feels like for me, still I know it to be true.  I can shift my thoughts away from sorrow and sadness to love and compassion on the turn of a dime if I am connecting in that moment.  It is not always that easy though.  Still at times it can be.  Learning the process of mindfulness is one of the best ways I know of to shift gears and learn how to be present with all that is presenting itself in any given moment.

Still there are many moments when my heart is aching and my mind is telling me that I have every reason to be sad, angry or disappointed.  It is in those moments that I need to take a step back and look at myself from the perspective of one who is witnessing myself in pain.  It is not a problem to be solved.  It is simply an observation of something that is happening in the moment.  Sometimes it only takes a few minutes for me to see myself in a different light.  Other times it takes days even months to move through that dark time and find the light on the other side.

This is the value and joy of having a human experience.  To be able to eventually shift our way of seeing what is before us and finding the diamonds sparkling in the sawdust of all that has been working away at us over time.  Psychologists may argue that the dark regions are there because of the negative experiences we have had up until that moment we see them differently.  They may be right.  I have had many experiences that I have reframed over my lifetime and others that I can not let go of.  They are painfully resting in my heart waiting for me to let go and let God take them over.  

Hanging on to such negativity is, in a way, a form of self protection.  As long as I remember what it feels like to be so hurt or angry or even fearful then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again.  If only that were true.  The reality is that as long as I hang on to all the pain I am only reliving the original experience over and over again.  So I am learning more and more how to live in the now and live through the pain until it is no longer hurting me.  It becomes a story that I can tell and has no particular affect on how I am feeling now.  This is something that I truly believe comes with the aging process.  It is a way of looking at the world and my life in context of what is now rather than what was then.

I learned to be more consciously aware of my human shortcomings when I was caring for my aging mother and my young children.  My mother talked over and over again about all the ways she was hurt in the past by family members.  She could not let it go and so everyone around her was forced to listen to her ongoing rhetoric about all the times she was ignored or left with no support when she was going through difficult times. Finally she cut herself off from her family all together.  At the end of her life, my sister and I were the only ones left who she was talking to and our children of course.  

As I age I am determined not to be the same way with my family members.  I am not sure how successful I am in that regard still I am doing my best to be present to what is now and to take responsibility for whatever I am feeling at any given point in time.  

Being an aging parent I hold a certain expectation of my children which they may or may not be able to live up to.  They don’t know what those expectations are neither do I know what their expectations are of me.  Unless we have the conversation which for us is damn hard I may go to my grave wondering what I could have done differently or how I would liked to have been treated differently.  

Ultimately, it is for us to make peace within ourselves and leave no stone unturned until we are assured that we have done the very best we could at any given point in time.  By then the light will shine for us in all the corners of our hearts so that Love can prevail above all else.  That is how I want to leave this world some day.

Posted on by Beth 5

Managing Hearing Loss: A Personal Journey

I am in my seventies now and I encounter a lot of people who admit they are living with some degree of hearing impairment as I am. Many have chosen to get hearing aids to help them manage conversations better. Others get along without the use of any form of aid. They choose this option mostly because they are not ready, not because they could not benefit from them. Others have tried them and just don’t like them for various reasons. If you are one of the lucky ones who has exceptional hearing then I am happy for you. Your ears and brain are still functioning at the top of your game.

Hearing loss is most often gradual and for some of us that means the people around us usually notice before we do that we are not hearing as well as we used to. We gradually learn to adapt by lip reading or other methods of communication. So we think we are doing fine. The truth is most of us are not. We are just working harder than we need to and are exhausting our nervous systems in the process. Living alone we often don’t notice that the tv or radio is on louder than it used to be. Even when we live with someone we blame them for mumbling or talking at us from another room.

Early Diagnosis

I have been hard of hearing since I was eighteen years old. The doctor told me then I had the hearing of someone in their sixties. It has been gradually getting worse since then. I got my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-two. Thus began my life long journey of learning how to adapt and hear and communicate in a world that is not user friendly for the hard of hearing. Loud noises or even music playing in the background can interfere with how hard someone has to work to listen. I must say though that technology has really improved over the decades and I am doing better now than I did in my thirties even though I hear less.

I have had years to study how the loss of hearing can affect my ability to socialize. For years I did not go to the movies because I missed too much of the dialogue and the background sound effects are too loud. I only went to foreign films with sub-titles. Now there is a device some theatres offer called Rearview Captioning that you can borrow. It goes in the cup holder and shows the subtitles under the screen. It works great. Now I can go to movies again.

When watching television I always have the closed captioning on or I don’t watch it at all. I lived without a television for more than ten years. I also avoided large gatherings of people for a long time because it was too hard to hear when I engaged in conversation. Sometimes I would go but would then sit quietly by myself just observing what was happening around me and usually people didn’t seem to notice. So even though I was out and about and trying to socialize with my friends or engage in the world, I often felt isolated and alone in the crowd. Eventually I made sure I did more one on one activities because that was easier for me to manage.

Ways We Adapt

What I have observed recently is how well I have adapted by learning all sorts of responses to give when I don’t really understand what someone has said to me without cutting off the conversation. I might say something like “that’s interesting or right or that makes sense….” The other person carries on talking assuming I am understanding them and I just sit quietly and “listen” as hard as I can to what they are saying hoping I will understand enough and have something equally as engaging to share when it is my turn to speak.

This is a learned behaviour that has developed over a long period of time. Listening is really hard work for someone with a hearing impairment, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or ability to focus that long. So we learn to fake it or isolate ourselves so we don’t have to and that can get lonely. Most of us take longer to process information so long periods of silence in between sharing information is so helpful. In todays world though I have noticed that silence makes people uncomfortable. So they try to fill it up by talking more.

My granddaughter asked me a few months ago “Nana why do you say ‘right’ so much when I am talking to you?” That was the first time I was aware I was doing it and at the time I didn’t know why I did. So after observing my behaviour I came to realize it was because I didn’t understand everything she was saying to me still I wanted to acknowledge her. I have learned over the years that most people do not like having to repeat themselves if you let them know you did not understand what they said. Often they will just say “never mind it’s not important” which cuts the conversation short and leaves the listener feeling left out.

Challenges Along the Way

Many people speak very quickly and often cover their mouths with their hands or turn their face so the listener can’t see them. Children have higher pitched voices and talk quickly going from one subject to another which often makes it hard to follow. I have tried my best to remind my grandchildren to face me when they talk with me and also to speak more slowly so I can understand everything they say because what they tell me is important to me. I did the same with my children when they were growing up. The truth is I am the one doing most of the adapting. Most of my friends and even my family have a hard time remembering I am hearing impaired. My own mother told me once I never think about it. You always do so well. Yes I do and it is very hard work sometimes.

Like most things in life change is gradual as we get older. Our bodies slow down and we learn to take things at a steady pace. Many of my friends who now have the experience of not understanding or hearing as well as they were used to are saying to me “how did you do it for all those years?”. I tell them that is a very good question. The answer is I learned to listen with my whole self – not just my ears. I developed a keen sense of observation and learned to put things in context so I could fill in the gaps. I also developed my intuition so that I could figure out what someone was talking about. I am a good listener and I listen a lot to other people. My heart is always open so what I don’t understand with my head I can feel in my heart and I respond as best I can.

The Gift of Silence and Solitude

Some of my closest companions over the years have been authors of books that I have read. When I find myself alone, not ready to venture out into the world I choose to be quiet at home with a good book. It is often one written by someone and about something I can relate to. It helps me feel connected and not so isolated and alone. I refer to my books as my friends because the words that they contain offer solace to my soul when I need it most.

I found myself wanting to pull back more and more these past few months and I wrote about it recently. What I was noticing was that my hearing was getting worse and I was more and more tired after I was in a group setting. I saw my audiologist today and she confirmed for me what I had suspected. I have lost more hearing. So she adjusted my hearing aids and hopefully that will help improved things for me when it comes to understanding and taking part in social activities. Still I am aware that the fatigue is a side affect of hearing impairment and I must take time out in silence to restore my energy and not over task my nervous system.

If you can relate to any of what I am sharing here then I encourage you to take time to regroup and if you haven’t already done so get your hearing checked. Taking care of our bodies so that we can live a rich and vibrant life is key to our well being.

Posted on by Beth 4

Vision Past, Present and Future

As the the year 2024 comes to an end and the beginning of 2025 is fast approaching I find myself wondering what has made the biggest impact on me this year. I am also contemplating what is in store for me next year. I am sure I am not alone in this. This is the time of year when many of us are taking time for reflection as we seek light in the darkness.

Seeing clearly is not always easy

So as I look back over this past year I can honestly say the biggest impact on me was having my eyes done. I had cataract surgery at the end of November 2023 and things did not go as well as expected. I spent the next eleven months visiting the surgeon’s office once a month and being treated for an inflamed iris in both eyes. It was not only inconvenient to make the long trek back and forth to his office it was down right annoying as I often had to wait for up to two hours for a 10 minute consultation. The waiting room was packed with people. At my final appointment I was told my eyes were completely healed.

Still my eye sight has changed and that has impacted me in more ways than I ever thought possible. My vision is often blurry now even with my corrective lenses. It is annoying and disorienting. When I am out walking I often feel off balance because my depth perception is poor. It takes practice to walk slowly while paying close attention to where I step. This is both a gift and a curse.

Reading is another issue that I have had trouble with this past year. Whether reading online or in paper format I can only focus for short periods of time before my eyes are strained and things get blurry. This has taken great patience on my part. I am learning to rest my eyes more often. Looking ahead to the new year I am hoping that my optometrist will be able to offer solutions to my vision issues. New glasses perhaps.

As I look into my heart I seek greater clarity for my life in general. I am noticing that my “Vision” for the new year is a bit out of focus. I am not sure where I am headed or what I am looking forward to experiencing. Still, I have set some very general intentions for myself. I seek to be at peace within and live one day at a time. I intend to make the most of each day I am given. That includes doing something kind for someone else every day. I want to play more and read as much as I can. It would be nice to be entertaining and spend time with those who I can laugh and be myself with.

Vision

My spirit eyes see something more in the future though. My Spirit wants to soar and rise above the many conflicts and the pain around the world. It wants to seek out where Love is in the midst of all the suffering and find places where Peace can land.

I am also being invited to take a deep dive into the areas of my own life that are needing more Love — whether it be caring for my soul, body or others who need to be nurtured. It is time for me to step out as a bright light in the world. To be fully present and be hopeful even when it is hard to do.

There have been times in my life when I have been accused of wearing rose coloured glasses or burying my head in the sand when it comes to conflict. That was not how it felt for me though. It is more about looking for where the cracks are in the walls of darkness and shining a light there so that others can see through the darkness. My life story is riddled with all different kinds of conflicts. I had to learn to navigate my way through each one. Those experiences gave me a deeper capacity for compassion. When I see a person on the street who is suffering my heart goes out to them. Often there is little I can to do help them so I simply acknowledge them and say hello tell them my name and ask them theirs. Even that small connection can help them feel less alone. After the encounter I always ask for them to be blessed and taken care of. 

Sometimes we are called to be a lighthouse in the storms of life.

My sense is that there are big changes coming for all of us as the future unfolds. This is a time when fear and terror will want to grab a hold of us and it is important that we resist it and maintain a strong barrier of Love all around us. Many will say that is easier said than done and they may be right. Still when we are in the presence of Holy Love or when Holy Love calls to us from the darkness we are being offered a gift. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go of the Fear and accept the gift of Love freely given.

My wish and prayer for you dear reader is that you be surrounded by Love every day and that you have the experience of Peace that passes all understanding today and for all days ahead. May you shine brightly.

Posted on by Beth 2

Confessions of a Caregiver

I have been reading a lot about caregiver burnout lately. I have friends who have people in their lives who they are caring for. I hear them tell me it is more and more difficult to keep going because they too are tired and need help themselves. Still being a dedicated caregiver means they carry on because there are no real alternatives unless there is money available to invest in paid service providers. Even then if they have the resources the demand is getting greater and the supply is limited. Not everyone has the extra money to spend though. So many caregivers are putting their own health at risk while caring for someone else in their family or a dear friend. Community resources are very limited right now and in some cases long wait lists are a barrier to getting the support needed.

All this can also lead to elder abuse which is also an even bigger problem in our communities right now. As a growing population of seniors age and become more and more isolated from family and friends they are at greater risk of being ignored and neglected. Many of them have lost interest and live with severe depression or worse, dementia. They are not able to access the supports they need or even to ask for help. It is a very sad reflection on how our society views the important role our elders can play in our society.

As we age, more and more demand is put on self care as the only means to continue living with dignity. What if you are a single woman, living independently. What if you have chronic medical conditions such as diabetes, hearing loss, arthritis and diet sensitivities such as dairy or gluten. What if you are living on a very low fixed income and are doing everything you can to manage your finances.

I confess that I am living with all those conditions and more. Sometimes I feel burned out. Taking care of myself is a full time job. There are days when I just want to quit the job and find a better one that is more fun. If only that were possible…hahaha…. By the time I take care of myself, my finances, and my home I have very little reserves left for other things.

So what I am learning in this process?

  • I am learning to be very grateful for my body that carries me through life relatively pain free rather than bemoaning it.
  • I am learning to be grateful for the amazing care team of doctors who monitor my health conditions and help me to stay on track. So many of my friends who are in similar situations are not so lucky.
  • I am being reminded that if I want to have fun I need to find it in the process of my daily living
  • I am looking to find a hobby that I can do at home on a tight budget that is fun for me to do
  • I am learning to do things slowly and steadily until everything is taken care of
  • I am learning to keep reaching out to my friends and staying in contact with my family
  • I am learning that taking a day off to just rest and restore from time to time is good self care
  • I am learning that having a Spiritual practice really helps me stay focused and present in the now
  • I am learning to laugh at and with myself more when I hear myself whining or complaining and to give myself more love

So dear readers whether you are a caregiver for someone else or for yourself or both, take time out to be grateful and kind to yourself. Learn to laugh at the antics of your wounded self and to love yourself even more because you are so worth it. If you are aware of a senior living alone take a minute to check in on them from time to time. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you can make all the difference.

Have a great day!

Posted on by Beth 4

Rediscovering Hope: A Tale of Multicultural Unity

August is coming to a close and September will soon be here. For most of us, September is like the start of a new year. Even though we are no longer in school, we still feel that anticipation of starting fresh. I often want to go to the stationary store and get a new pen or coloured pencils and a notebook. Not this year though. For some unknown reason, my September excitement is a bit lacklustre. I am glad the hot weather is coming to an end and look forward to the fall colours. Still, something is just not right. I can’t put my finger on it.

I have tried the old standbys like looking at my wardrobe. Maybe I will get something new to spruce it up. Or perhaps I will add something new to my home. I have even considered repotting my plants that look overgrown in their smallish pots. Still my get up and go has got up and went.

There is nothing I need or really want right now. Everything works well in my life and I have a circle of friends who I love and adore. My health is good, all things considered ,and so I wonder where I am I heading?

I don’t usually watch television, in fact I don’t even own one. I just stream what I want to watch at the time on my laptop computer. This week though I found myself watching the speeches at the Democratic Convention in the US on YouTube. Michelle Obama and Kamala Harris really took a hold of me. It was not just what they had to say but how they presented it. Their hearts were blazing and their words were so steady and emphatic. I wanted to speak like them. I wanted to stand before a crowd of people. I wanted to say what my heart and soul is so longing to share. The problem is I have no idea what that is. Or maybe I do.

I am a seventy year old woman who has seen a lot in life. I have raised two beautiful children and have five gorgeous grandchildren. My children’s partners are as much family to me as if I gave birth to them myself. I am blessed with a lovely sister who is two years younger than me and her husband and three sons. My family is small and full of love. There is so much I appreciate and am grateful for. My challenge now is looking outside myself and my own individual life. I need to see beyond what is right in front of me.

I have been on the receiving end of so much generosity over the past several years. I have done my best to contribute to the circle of life around me. Still I feel I need and want to do more with the energy I have. The big question is where do I start? I used to think my writing was a way for me to touch the world. Is that enough though? Is there more I am being called to bestow upon the world? Have I already experienced and been offered everything I need? These are all good questions.

I am not interested in seeking out my “purpose” or wondering about the “gifts” I have to offer. It is more than that. I am looking for a way into that arena. Crowds are forming there. The hope for a better world is being generated. I want to be a part of that. It is happening, not just in the USA, all around the world. Women, men and children and being called up to counter act the cruelty and divisiveness in the world. We are a Global community that is struggling to find the heart and soul of each others kindness and resilience. We are standing up for justice and shining a light on the inequalities that are so apparent. We are looking for leaders who can show us the way. We are also looking into our own hearts and wondering where we are being called to serve.

I have physical limitations that make it difficult for me to reach out beyond my own community. Yet, I am feeling called to be part of something bigger. It is more powerful than any of us has seen or experienced in our lifetime. It goes beyond feminism, civil rights, reconciliation, land treaties, and environmental concerns. It is a global movement. It is so powerful and invasive that the people in power now are flexing their muscles trying to stop it. Wars are erupting to push down the ground swell. Crowds are gathering to express their displeasure with what has been a put down for so many generations. Our education system, health care system, and political foundations are being rocked to the core. This happens to make room for something new and very different.

I feel this in my bones and quite frankly I am not sure where to go with it. I pray every day and night for some sort of guidance. Perhaps in my asking I will find the answers one step at a time. I feel the embrace of a new world order emerging ever so slowly and deliberately.

In 1972 I was a student at George Brown College in Toronto. I was elected to be the chair of the Human Relations Club by a group of my peers. Eighty percent of the student body on campus that year were foreign students or were there for Manpower retraining. I came from a white Anglo Saxon, protestant, privileged background. I was very much in the minority which was a different and humbling experience for me. One of my professors, John McRae, suggested that our group adopt a multi-culture theme for the year. He believed it was necessary as there was so much divisiveness among the student body. It was a mini world. Pakistani students were fighting with Indian Students. Black Students were forming their own Black Student Union. Chinese Students were segregating themselves. And on and on. I was young. I was naive. I believed that we could all come together in peace and harmony. This would happen if we would just learn to understand and respect each other.

So I met with each of the student groups. I somehow convinced them that we would sponsor one group a month to present their culture to the student body. Each student group was allotted a month. They educated the rest of the population about their country of origin and culture. They each accepted the proposal and each month we learned about each other. There were fashion shows, history lessons, food presentations and readings. At the end of the year, we had a multi-cultural festival. It was so well attended. The festival ended with a big dance. Everyone gathered together in peace and harmony. It was my dream come true.

I remember entering the room of the Black Student Union meeting. I was there to do my presentation. I was the only white person in the room. It was terrifying for me as I was not sure how I would be received. This group was very militant at the time. It was a good to experience what the black people had been living with for generations and still are. I understood at some level what they were fighting for. Thankfully I was received with open hearts and minds. The student body did a great job presenting their various cultures. Some were from Jamaica and other Caribbean Islands, others were from Nigeria and different African countries. The Latin American countries were also represented in their own way as were the Asian countries.

All this to say that nearly fifty-two years later I feel the resurgence of that multi-cultural enthusiasm. I feel the excitement of those early September days in a new way now. I was too young to understand it at the time. Though I did appreciate it. Now things have changed a lot in the world since then. I have grown up and seen some horrific examples of prejudice and cruelty. That year at George Brown College, we all came together to learn about one another. We eventually gained so much love and respect for one another. It gave me hope for a better world and future. It still does. That night at the dance I was blessed to see young women and men of all races dancing together. There was no thought of the colour of each other’s skin. We did not care about our cultural origins. We were all just students learning to get along with one another. It was one of the greatest years of my life. Thank you, John McRae, for giving me the opportunity to lead with my heart. I was surrounded by so many interesting people. I learned so much from you and from them.

Posted on by Beth 4

Thriving in Senior Years: Embracing Life’s Challenges with Resilience and Love

This summer I have had a renewed faith in life.  I have crossed over a threshold.   While entering a new decade I have grown more in tune with my own inner guidance system.   That gives me reason to be open to what is unfolding for me and trusting that no matter what transpires I am up for it.

My faith and belief in a higher power has provided me with a deep knowing and wisdom that comes from living life each day without fear and giving into the love that is present in and around me.

Questioning My Purpose

There have been times, many times, in my life when I have questioned the purpose and reason for my being here.  Once my children had grown and left the nest and my work life was over I could see very little value in the every day things that made up my life.  In fact it seemed to me to be a chore just to live and that was more of a burden than a gift.

My income has been well below the poverty line most of my life and that has had a huge impact on my world view.  As a woman with a limited education and living with a hearing impairment since my early twenties, I have had to work very hard to keep my head above water.  I have been brave, innovative and adventurous in ways even I marvel at sometimes.  Still I have always been doing what I could to simply survive rather than thrive.

Finding a New Perspective

In my sixties I began to look at life through a different lens and started asking myself important questions about where I could best insert myself so that my years of life experience could be put to good use.   I wanted all that I have lived through to count for something and to offer something to those I met along the way.  I wanted to be the example of what a sense of hope and resilience can look like, knowing  only comes from living through those tough experiences.  I started talking more about my experiences to close friends and even my family.  I stopped holding back and keeping my thoughts to myself.  I shared what I had been through and what I was currently living with.  Then others started sharing with me what they experienced and so the stories unfolded page by page.

Talking to God

I have been on a spiritual journey my entire life.  From a very young age I would talk with God and ask for help and pose questions about things I did not understand. God was never an old man in the sky to me.  God was a part of me that I knew and trusted was somehow connected to something bigger and wiser and knew more than I ever could.  I found I could connect to that power just by closing my eyes and breathing and listening for that still small voice or by talking out loud to whatever I knew that power to be. God didn’t always speak to me in words or in a male voice. I often heard her speak as a woman  especially when I was older. Sometimes I simply had a physical sensation that came over my whole body or a feeling of deep and abiding love that gave me reason to trust all is well no matter how bad things seemed.  My faith in that sometimes overwhelming feeling got me through some very scary times.  My heart got broken sometimes and I made many some bad decisions that cost me dearly along the way, still through it all I knew I was never alone.

Accepting the Changes in My Body

Now I have stepped quietly into the next decade of my seventies and that has given way to some really challenging and unexpected revelations.  Some of my body functions are diminishing and my physical strength is weaker than it was even a few months ago.  I was recently asked by someone older and wiser than me, and who I have a great deal of respect for, whether I choose to push on and through the changes or whether I choose to simply accept them and adjust my life accordingly.

That is a really good question and one I need to sit with because I don’t think there is a simple one answer fits all to the question.  There are some things I know for sure.  I am not an exercise person so going to a class to gain more physical strength is something I choose to avoid.  I choose to get up and move around, to dance to the music that is playing on my bluetooth speaker and walk with my friends and grandchildren.  That is how I keep up my physical strength.  If that is not enough then I will accept that my muscles are getting weaker and adjust myself accordingly.

Pushing Through the Challenges

I used to love cooking and preparing food for myself.  I never liked the clean up part though.  Still I did both because that was the only way I could afford to eat and nourish myself.  Now I live in a tiny studio apartment with a very small kitchen so I have come to accept that food preparation and clean up are both more challenging.  Sometimes I choose to push through this one and find easier ways of preparing my foods.  I no longer make big meals which require lots of dishes to wash and put away.  Simple one dish meals are my go to.  I don’t own a microwave so sometimes I eat leftovers cold.  They taste just as good and there is only one dish to wash.  My food budget does not go as far as it used to, as so many of us are experiencing, still there are times I choose to eat out because I just want someone to serve me.  Accepting that and allowing myself that little bit of luxury now and again has made such a difference in how I feel about nourishing myself.  I haven’t reached the tea and toast stage yet though I can see how that happens.   Fortunately, many of my friends are in the same position so we spend time together enjoying a light meal and each others company.  We encourage each other to just keep on keeping on.  Food security is a huge problem among seniors these days.  Fortunately there are some programs to help us out.

Aging Consciously

These past few months have given me lots to ponder and look at through the lens of Aging Consciously.  Those of my generation are aging and many are doing it in the same way we have lived our lives up until now.  We have been self aware and conscious of the the ways in which we interact in the world so why would any of that change just because we are getting older.  There are so many books written about this very subject and so many memoirs are being written to give meaning to our lives.  We are reading them because we want to see how others have lived and are aging as well as to see ourselves in the mirror of those pages.

Not everyone is cut out to be a writer or an artist or playwright or filmmaker.  Still most of us are cut out to be an audience of such creative endeavours.  I for one am thrilled when I come across a good story about older people especially older women who are finding meaning and purpose in life long into their later years.  It gives me hope for my own future.  As well I think it shows the world that growing older does not mean we have to give up on life.  Our worlds may get smaller as we lose our independence and our minds may get more confused still we are alive and our hearts are pumping blood through our veins.   That must mean we are here for a reason.   Maybe our purpose is to give someone else a reason to care for a fellow human being.  None of us really knows or maybe some us do.  Perhaps the older I get the clearer that will become.

What I am learning is that we may not know our reason or purpose for being here and it doesn’t really matter because we are here and that means we need to simply enjoy even the most mundane things in life.  We are here as a testament of a life lived through decades of change and sometimes struggle and those who really see us can bear witness to that fact, even total strangers.   

Love has brought us into this world and Love will take us out when it is time.  For now though what  I know for sure is LIFE IS WORTH LIVING everyday.

Posted on by Beth 5

The Value of Lifelong Friendships: Cherishing Old and New Bonds

This past month I have had the great pleasure of meeting up with some dear friends I have known most of my life. One woman was my best friend all through elementary school. She lived just around the corner from me and we went to the same church. We sang in the girls choir together and went skiing almost every weekend in the winter with her mother. We made memories that lasted a lifetime and have watched each other grow up and move through life. We don’t see each other often and when we do it is easy and seamless. We just pick up where we left off.

Another friend and I also met in public school. We share memories and similar life experiences of growing up in the same public school and having mutual friends. We lost touch with one another for several years and then reconnected on FaceBook. It was such a thrill to meet up and discover that the friendship and connection was still there. This past weekend I met her in Toronto and we had a great conversation about family and how we now interact with our grown up children. We talked about living in Toronto in the “good old days” when we knew all the artistic venues. We share a love of art.

I also met up with a friend in Toronto who I have known since my teen years when I dated his brother. We have been connected ever since. We have a lot in common and share many family stories and history together. We have grown up and grown older through the years and seen each other go through many life changes. We have stayed in touch and loved each other through it all. He knows my children and that gives me a warm feeling in my heart because I know how much he cares about me and them. We sat on a bench by the waterfront and just chatting with one another watching the boats go by. It was so nice to be able to “just be” together without any particular agenda.

I realized today that there is a lot of value in having friends who have known you most of your life. You know they know you in ways that newer friends don’t. We have been witness to the struggles of each others lives as well as the many joys and celebrations. We have shared with each other the deep dark secrets that live in our hearts and that we only trust with a select few.

I have had an adventurous life moving around to various places throughout the country. Still somehow via internet and yes sometimes snail mail and telephone, I have managed to stay in touch with many friends across this land. I am blessed with a community of support that offer me much in the way of good memories, lots of laughter and the making of new memories.

I value all my friends, new and old, and am so grateful for the connection we have. I love being part of their lives and also having them in mine. We form a circle of trust that offers us all a bond of loving friendship that not everyone is privileged to have. I don’t take any of it for granted and do my best to stay in touch with as many of them as possible as often as I can.

So dear readers I hope you find yourself in a circle of trusted friends who know and love you just the way you are. Friends you can laugh with and cry with when you need to. Friends who will hold your hand and give you the support and encouragement you need. Most importantly may you be that kind of friend for others and in the end know how to be your own best friend.

Posted on by Beth 1

We are the Sum of All Our Parts

I look around the room and what do I see?  An unmade bed, clothes piled on the chair and draped over the bench.  Dishes in the sink and scattered around the room, dirty clothes sorted and piled on the floor waiting to be laundered and Teddy bears on the chair.  

If I didn’t know better I would presume that I had walked into the room of an adolescent.  The truth is though it is my own studio apartment I am looking at and I am almost seventy!  I am living with my adolescent self at the moment.  She is very rebellious and creative as well as moody at times.  She wants nothing more than to avoid housework. When growing up she was used to having her mother do it for her and so is not motivated to look after it herself.  

At the same time, she is very creative.  She loves to write and play with art materials.  She loves putting together outfits that are stylish and comfortable.  She also loves spending time with friends and sharing some good food.  One of my favourite things to do as a teenager was go to the local restaurant after school with my friends and order a Coke with a plate of French fries and gravy.  I found myself drawn into a diner a few weeks ago and placed that very order.  It was so satisfying.  

What in the world has brought this young part of me out again? I like her in so many ways, still my mother self needs her to clean up the place and bring order back into my life.  Mothering myself is a good way to use my energy in a positive way.  I need good mother messages right now.  I can remember my mother often commenting on how nice I looked when she picked me up from work or how much she liked the way I decorated my home when she came to visit after I was married.

As fun as it can be to live with my adolescent it is not good for her to be in charge all the time.  I am best to stay present as the older woman I am and keep my life moving forward in the most positive ways possible. Then again maybe the older one is having fun just letting go of all the responsibilities for now and having the freedom to be sloppy and carefree. I will eventually clean up because truthfully I feel better when everything is clean and orderly.  So for now here’s to allowing all the many parts of ourselves to shine in their own light.  We are the sum of all our parts.

Posted on by Beth 4

Memories………

Some of the best memories I have are times spent with two very good friends and a cat that I formed a very special bond with. I have lots of friends and lots of great memories so it is not to take away from any of them. These two people I am writing about today have found a special place in my heart for different reasons. They have both watched me go into my cocoon and emerge through a transformation process that even I don’t fully understand.

Friend and Mentor

My first friend pictured I saw last summer for the first time in four years. She came to visit me with her husband on their travels across Canada and the US. We first met in 2014 when I was still living in Victoria, British Columbia. I was seeking a purpose for my life after being unemployed for almost a year. I was asking myself big questions and wondering what my older years were going to be about. One day I came up with the idea of becoming a sage, whatever that meant. I thought I could somehow become a Wise Elder or Sage. So I Googled Sage and found a book “From Age-ing to Sage-ing – A Revolutionary Approach to Growing Older”. That sounded like a good place to start. This led me to an Organization called Sage-ing International that was founded by the author of the book — Salman Schachter-Shalomi. This organization offers courses, workshops and retreat weekends. It is an international organization with regional contacts. So I wrote to the person for my area. That was my first encounter with my now dear friend Nancy. We met and instantly discovered so many things we had in common. She was easy to talk with. She is older than me and is trained to be a mentor. I enrolled in two of the intensive weekend retreats she was facilitating and I received my certificate. Over the years she has introduced me to others in the organization and I joined a Wisdom Circle that she was leading. This was the beginning of my elder years and was a big turning point for me in my life.

Writing Companion

As our friendship developed Nancy and I became writing partners. We met every two weeks spending time writing alone together. We started with a common prompt and then wrote whatever came to us during a set period of time. When we were done we would share what we had written with one another taking great pleasure in seeing where the prompt led us. One of my favourite memories was the day we chose a prompt I had seen on a website “She was raised in a graveyard by ghosts”. We decided to take ourselves to the local cemetery to write. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day overlooking the ocean. We sat there on our lawn chairs in a grassy opening with our books and pens and wrote for forty-five minutes. The stories that we wrote that day were both humorous and dark in content. It was so much fun. We still laugh about it to this day. Nancy not only became my friend and mentor she became a soul sister. She is someone who I can go months and not talk to and yet we can pick up right where we left off the last time we talked. It is amazing to me how we found each other just because I was curious and seeking some greater purpose to my life.

Old Friend, True Friend

My next friend pictured is someone I have known since elementary school. We grew up in the same neighbourhood and went to the same school. We lost touch over the years and then one day she found me on Facebook and we connected again. It is not often you find someone who has known you for such a long time and can share the old memories of days gone by and at the same time remind you who you are today. Irene is another one of my soul sisters who I share many childhood memories with. She remembers things about me that I had long forgotten and always gives me something to laugh about. One of the things we share is a love of baseball and we have celebrated our friendship at a BlueJays baseball game on more than one occassion. It is so much fun. I can laugh and be so silly with her and at the same time we connect on so many levels. We both love art and she is a wonderful fabric artist as well as visual artist. We complement each other. Again we can go for a long period of time and not see or talk with one another and just pick up where we left off or start fresh with something new.

Feline Friend

Then there is my old buddy Kipper. I spent just over a year looking after him when his parents went away. He was my pal through good times and not so good times. He was another one of my dear friends who supported my writing as well as my Spiritual Journey. When I stayed with him I often felt like I was on retreat in a perfect little cottage. He would curl up on the sofa beside me while I wrote on my laptop. Periodically I would stop and read to him what I had written. Sometimes he would look up and appear to be listening while other times he would simply keep sleeping beside me. Either way I loved his company. When it was his turn to be fed he would get my attention and remind me who was the boss. We had a special understanding. Even though he was not my cat and I only spent time with him periodically there was a bond that we shared and when he left this world at the age of twenty years old I morned his passing. To this day when I visit his parents who are also now my dear friends I miss seeing him coming round the corner or up the stairs to greet me. I have very fond memories of our time together.

And finally …..

There are so many people I could write about who have changed my life and added to my story. I could not be where I am today without all the many friends in my circle who I love and who love me and without my family who I adore and cherish with all of my heart. It has been good for me to write this piece and open the memory banks. I have been feeling very stuck and uninspired for a few months now and somehow today I found the key to open my heart once again. Thanks to all of you who follow me and read these posts. I appreciate your presence and comments. I am not that good and all the technical parts of this website so forgive me if it is hard to find the post. I am working on it.

Posted on by Beth 6