It seems the world is spinning faster and faster every day. Chaos reigns all over. Yet in the quiet of a regular day I can feel the joy that is also there. There is hope everywhere when you are open to seeing and feeling it. Even if you are not looking when you become still and listen you can hear the birds chirping. They are telling us of a new world order that is coming our way. In fact it is already here. We just can’t see it yet.
I have been feeling the need to withdraw into myself for a while now. It takes great effort for me to engage with people these days. I have a hard time coming up with topics of conversation. So I often sit quietly and ask questions so others can share what is on their mind. I love to listen and hear their stories. It inspires me and keeps me connected. At the same time, what they share gives me more to consider in my own life. My heart reaches out to them and we connect Soul to Soul.
What is this need to withdraw and be quiet all about anyway? I am not sure exactly. I just know that I am much more relaxed and content in my life right now. I am comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company. It has taken a while to reconnect to this sense of belonging I so needed. To be part of something greater than myself again. It is bigger than the world outside my door. It is a sense of being a conduit of peace and kindness. It is of love and compassion. This feeling comes from a source that is more powerful and more genuine than I can describe in words.
For weeks I have felt lost in the wilderness. I did not know how to connect. I was longing for a sign or feeling a hand reaching out for me. I crawled into my bed and slept away the hours that felt empty and without purpose. Then in my dreams, a still small voice spoke inside me. During my quiet time, it gave me reassurance. I am not alone. I live in a world filled with love. People who genuinely care about one another surround me. They also care for the Earth.
At church this week I was sitting quietly waiting for the service to start. The music director, who I genuinely love as a kindred spirit, came over to me unexpectedly. He bent down and gave me a warm heartfelt hug. I can’t tell you what a gift that was to feel his arms around me even for a few seconds. I felt the presence of God in that moment. Something opened inside me that had been closed off. I listened intently to words of the songs being sung. I watched the choir as their faces lit up when they sang. I listened intently to the scripture readings and the prayers that were shared. Every word landed on my heart and brought me joy. The sermon stirred in me images of Truth and Reconciliation with the people who first inhabited this land. I felt sad for and with them. Still there was hope in the message. There were references to ways we can make peace with the past. By the end of the service, I felt myself emerging from the dark shadows where I had been dwelling.
I was reminded about all the people in my life who I care about and who care about me. It was a time of Truth and Reconciliation for me. I came to understand how often I forget to make that conscious decision to be quiet and still. Even just a few minutes of stillness is important. It is in the stillness that I find the truth of my well being.
I am happy to say that I am finding Joy in my life again. I am looking through a clearer lens than ever before. My spiritual home is where I live joyfully for each day is a new beginning. For now, as an Earth Dweller, I seek a new way. I want to experience fully what is in my every day. I want to find my way along life’s path to the beauty that surrounds me.
I wish the same for you dear reader. What brings you joy? Where do you connect with the Still Small Voice in you? How do you walk upon the Earth with Love in your Heart?
It has been a while since I have written anything here and now Autumn is upon us. We had a very long and often hot summer. I was surrounded by luscious green lawns and beautiful gardens filled with rich colours that made my heart sing.
Now I am watching the life force in the plants slowly return to the Earth. Leaves are turning colour and gently falling to the ground. Orchards are filled with people picking fruits from the trees. Farmers are harvesting corn, squash and pumpkins from the fields. Those who love to can and preserve are making chili sauce and various jams and jellies. The farmer’s markets are loaded with fresh produce from their fields and gardens. Those of us who live in small apartments gain from the bounty of their harvest. There is nothing like a pan of fresh roasted vegetables to warm the heart and soul.
I spent a good deal of my time alone this summer and took the opportunity to do a life review. Looking not just to the past or out into the future but at the here and now. Where am I now? Where are we all at this moment in time. I am in the autumn of my life. What does that mean exactly? To me it means capturing the life force within me. Finding the fruits of my own labours. I am sharing what I have discovered over the years. I pay close attention to the lessons learned from poor choices made along the way. No one gets through life without a few hard knocks now and then. Still what I know for sure is my life is full of examples of Love leading the way.
I have always been a peace maker/keeper at heart. I lead with my heart and speak sincerely from what I know to be true for me. I have lived with a hearing impairment for over fifty years. I have also learned to listen with my whole self, not just my ears. I pay attention to body language, physical surroundings and follow my intuition when it gives a clear message. I also use my head to carefully analyze a situation when required before making any decisions or comments. The last piece of advice my mother gave me before she left this world was “Follow your heart.” But she also said, “Don’t lose your head!” She always thought I was too soft. She believed I was wishy washy and sat on the fence. She advised that I should state my opinion strongly like she always did. Her favourite saying was “I mean what I say and say what I mean!” Sometimes what she had to say was mean and still she stood by it. Mostly, though she was right more often than not.
Still for me, I see great value in seeing all sides of a story. Finding the common ground is important before expressing an opinion. My style of leadership is to listen twice as much as I speak. If I don’t have anything to say that will add to the conversation then I just listen until I do. This is particularly true now that I am living in the autumn of my life.
The beauty of autumn is that all the rich green of new life matures. It becomes vibrant colours of brown, orange, yellow and red. Eventually, it joins the Earth to break down and enrich the soil with its nutrients. This becomes fodder for micro organisms that work to break it down so that new life will emerge from it.
Our life experience becomes the nutrients that make up the wisdom of our elder years. We need to live long enough for it to build up. It must then be broken down into micro organisms of thoughts and knowledge. I am just now starting to glean the wisdom of my years of life experience. I see the beauty in living a long life. It allows me to understand what I have been through. I also see what I learned from it. Now is the time to nurture that and also to share it with others. That is why I write and tell stories. I offer what I can when I can. This happens when I am in conversation with family, friends, and others I meet along the way.
This is a wonderful time of year and time of life. It is not about losing life force energy. It is about the life force being transformed into a new form of life. This new form lives on in all its richness.
For the past month or so I have felt lost on my life path. As I look ahead I notice there is a bend in the road and I can’t see beyond it. This is not unusual. It has happened many times in my life. Every time, it turns out there is something waiting for me. It is either something I was not expecting or not prepared for. Still, I met each situation with courage and adapted to the changes in ways that surprised even me.
This time though I am more curious than worried about what lies ahead. I know it may have something to do with a course I am preparing to take in the fall. At the same time, I am reckoning that there is something else that I am going to face. It may be related to my physical or mental health. Or, it could be something external to myself. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. This focus has become problematic. It has made me more insular. I am always healthier and stronger when I consider other people. I focus on their circumstances. I think about how I might be of help to them. I use my own life experience as a guidepost. When living alone, you must be consciously aware of your own circumstances. You are responsible for doing everything.
Family
Recently, I have been working through some very deep feelings. These feelings are associated with family of origin patterns. They continue to play out in my own family. I raised two children to be strong, independent, and self-reliant people. They know how to make friends and be a good friend. When I stand back, I see my adult children now. They have successfully grown to be adults who do just that. I am proud of them for all they have accomplished and continue to do in their lives. They both have children who I love and adore and I am very grateful to be their Nana. That being said we are a very small family. We get together periodically for family events or special holidays. Mostly we live independently though. My son moved away from home 30 years ago. He has been living on the other side of the ocean for close to 20 years to follow his career. His children live there too. I only get to see them via FACETIME when both of our schedules and time zones line up.
My daughter and her family recently moved to a small community just outside of the city where I currently live. I have spent the most time with my youngest grandson over the past 4 years. He will be starting school in the fall. This means he will not be coming to see Nana during the week any more. We are all growing older and life is changing.
Living On My Own
I currently live in a small one room studio in a seniors apartment complex with rent geared to income. It serves me well. I have easy access to public transportation and a plaza that is just a few minutes walk away. Living alone means I set my own schedule. I plan my own outings according to how I am feeling from day to day.
I do not see a move in my future anytime soon. I have landed exactly where I am meant to be just as my children have. I am like my children. I am independent, self-sufficient, and capable of living a full and meaningful life on my own. I have good friends nearby.
Listening with My Heart
Right now I feel I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am turning the page. I have been very focused on my role as grandmother and that will remain an important part of my life. I sense that going forward I will be less up close and personal. I will be more in the background, watching them from afar. I see myself offering what I can when I can. I aim to be a role model for them to look to for guidance. I want to show how to live happily regardless of life’s offerings. Age doesn’t matter in this pursuit.
So what is it that I am seeing and feeling in my heart of hearts right now? Where do I look for meaning and support? My spiritual life has been a bit shallow as of late. I go to church every Sunday and enjoy the services. Seeing the people, many of whom are dear friends, gives me much to be thankful for. I hear God calling from a distance like an echo in the deep valley surrounded by mountains. Sometimes I am in the valley. Sometimes I am on the mountainside. Other times, I am an eagle soaring above it all and I just want to fly off into the sunset.
I pray for clarity and guidance. I trust that whatever shows up, I will have the wherewithal to be fully present to what is. I have seventy one years of life experience. I am not sure how much longer I have on this Earth in this human suit. I have a sense that the time for my passing is coming sooner than later. I want to make sure that I have touched all that I came here to touch. I want to leave a trail of love. I hope this trail will be seen and felt long after I am gone.
Finding Yourself on a Spiritual Path
So how do I do that? Who is it I am being called to be and what do I do right now? What is happening in the present? Am I to lead from afar or up close and personal? Who needs my gifts and where am I to share them? The world needs compassion and kindness. I could spend all my time telling stories related to both. Or I could simply listen and be present while others tell their stories and offer them kindness and compassion. Maybe it requires a bit of both.
There are so many ways that one can be of service. I choose to be a conduit of LOVE in this world. Maybe I am thinking too much and not listening to my own heart and soul enough. Maybe I already know where and when to take the next step.
What I have experienced of late is this. Just when I feel strong enough to go out into the world and offer my gifts, my body intervenes. It says, “Hold on and take more time out.” My energy shifts and moves from inside to outside and then back again. Sometimes when I go out into the world, my empathetic self gets so overwhelmed. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and be alone with God.
That is when I pray for more assistance and guidance. I can’t do it by myself. I need support and a community to work within. I want to share not just my gifts but also the doubts and concerns I have. We all could benefit from a soul companion or even a group of soul companions.
Soul Companions
I have made many dear friends over the years. When I have moved, I kept in touch with most of them. We are all scattered across the country and some even out of the country. Thanks to technology we stay in touch with one another and share what is most meaningful. When I moved from the west coast back to Ontario, I had to start making new friends. I needed to establish myself in a new community. I was living closer to my daughter. Still, I wanted friends who were like-hearted. I also sought friends who were like-minded and close to my own age. So that has been the focus for the past six years. It takes time and intention to build a circle of friends who you feel a deep connection with. It comes with shared experiences and common knowledge of the world around us. It is a process of opening up and sharing and being vulnerable.
Just after I moved in 2019, the COVID epidemic took hold. I spent a great deal of time at home in my room alone. I read, wrote, and connected with old friends online. Fortunately, my daughter and her family were in my bubble and I was able to visit with them quite regularly. Time has passed now. We have all moved along. We desire to reach out and be present in the world. Everything is changing and we are changing with it.
This is a good time to pay attention. Go out for a walk. Talk to people passing by. Call friends and invite them for a coffee. Invite a new friend for dinner or an old friend for tea. It is about connecting on many different levels with the world around us. That is how we will find our way together and bring our love into the world. Be loving, kind and compassionate and Love will find you wherever you are. Thanks for being here and spending time reading this. Your presence is felt wherever you are. Peace be with you!
The summer is well underway and life is very quiet for me these days. What I mean by that is there is not much I feel like doing. I am taking the summer “off”. I spend hours scrolling on my phone or IPAD. It is a constant companion as I train my brain with word games, online card games and connecting with “friends” on Facebook. I have been considering giving it all up for the summer and just being quiet with no technical distractions. Then I question whether I can actually do it. It has become such a strong habit that I wonder if it would qualify as an addiction. Or is it just how I companion myself?
The truth is summers have always been quiet for me ever since I can remember. I spent a lot of time on my own feeling bored when I was young. My friends were often away at family cottages or on family road trips while my family stayed home. One summer I worked as a Mother’s Helper and went to their cottage with them. As a teenager I got a summer job working at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE) in Toronto for two weeks at the end of August till Labour Day. I worked at a booth in the Better Living Building for a company called GH Wood where they displayed a million dollars in cash. They were actually a company that made and sold cleaning products which is why they were in the Better Living building. It was a boring job just standing there in some silly costume for six hours at a time but it gave me pocket money which I enjoyed having. I had fun talking with the security guards who were there to protect the money.
For a few years in my early teens, my family rented a cottage in Sudbury Ontario for the summer. Who goes to Sudbury for the summer? Nobody I knew. It was ok I guess as I did make some friends there and we got to go water skiing and surfboarding when our friends Stella and Jack came to visit with their boat.
The truth is I always had very little energy to do much in the summer especially when it was hot out. That didn’t change as I got older. In fact, it actually got worse. As I aged I felt less and less like doing much of anything in the summer. I have accepted that and have learned to enjoy it.
What I love doing now is to watch baseball on TV. The Toronto Blue Jays are like family to me. I watch them and cheer them on as if they were all my sons. It seems crazy to me that I enjoy the game so much still they are good company for me on a very quiet Sunday afternoon.
I sometimes feel sad and lonely on weekends, especially Sundays because I have always thought of it as family day. Growing up I spent Sunday afternoons with my family and watching golf on TV with my dad. That is if I wasn’t having a nap. Mom always made a good Sunday supper and we all gathered around the table together sometimes with special guests joining us. In the summer dad would always barbecue.
The hard part now is there is no one to remember those stories with or tell them too. My sister who lives miles away is often busy with her family on Sundays and my kids have their own lives to live. Writing the stories is not the same as telling them around the dinner table, still I am doing my best to write them down.
When I was married Sunday was a work day. My husband, a minister, would work in the morning and then often sleep on the sofa in afternoon. If he had people he had to visit in hospital, then he would head out. I tried to get in the habit of making a good Sunday supper like my mom did. Still I was on my own a lot with the kids, unless they were out playing with their friends, then I was just on my own. I didn’t always want to cook a big dinner. It was a lonely time for me during those days when we lived far away from family. When we moved back to our home town my in-laws often hosted Sunday suppers and it was a command performance for all the kids. We were expected to show up and dress up. My mother in law said if she was going to go to the trouble of making a nice dinner and setting a nice table then we could put some effort into dressing for the occasion — Sunday best. Summer time was considered dress casual.
I now no longer plan things for after church on Sunday. In fact, I enjoy that quiet time where I can read and perhaps even enjoy an afternoon nap. Sunday suppers are no longer big meals unless I am invited out. It is more like grazing all afternoon while watching baseball. I wonder how many others who are older like me take a break from cooking on Sunday?
Being quiet by myself with time on my own in the summer is something I am practising and getting comfortable with. There are days I simply let the time pass without really accomplishing much and that is ok because being present to what is in my day to day living gives me a sense of purpose. I am so grateful for all that I have. I am happy to have a lovely home to be in. I am thankful for a healthy body and for all the times I do spend with my family either in person or on the phone. I feel lonely and bored sometimes and that is ok too. I can change that anytime I choose to. I appreciate that the connection and love I have with my family and friends is much more than so many people have.
I have learned to make peace with loneliness by spending time quietly on my own. I enjoy my own company and the tranquility of these restful summer days. Being bored is just another way of saying I want to engage more with life. Figuring out how to do that is my Spiritual work. Is summer a busy time for you or are you taking time out from your busy lives to be quiet and rest?
The month of April starts the birthday season in my family, including my own. There are nine all together from April 1 to May 29. There are few family members whose birthday is in other months of the year and they are the lucky ones because I never forget their birthday.
Ever since I turned sixty I have enjoyed gathering my friends together and celebrating my birthday with them. This year I was planning to host another party, then life got away on me and I decided that this year I would rather meet with them individually. Larger groups are harder for me now because it is difficult to hear and carry on a conversation with all the background noise. I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with all the energy generated when my friends gather together. We are a happy group with lots of laughing and fun stories to share with one another. I love them all for their enthusiasm and excitement for living. Still life has been very busy for me these past few months as I mentioned so I am looking forward to a quieter type of celebration this year.
I have five grandchildren, four of which have birthdays during the month of April and May. It is an exciting time for them and I want to celebrate with each of them over cake and ice cream. There is something about being with a child when they mark that special moment recognizing they are a whole year older. My youngest will be four this year and he is looking forward to starting school in the fall. My oldest is turning fifteen and she is definitely a teenager looking for adventure and hanging out with friends. The other two will be ten and eight. The first a boy and the second a girl. Turning ten is a big deal. It marks the beginning of adolescence. Turning eight means you are no longer just a little girl, rather you are coming into your own and your personality is blossoming.
I will be seventy-one this year and for me that is a full step over the threshold of the seventies. I am here now living and loving my life in this decade. I am embracing my age and all that comes with it. This past year has been a bit of an adjustment period. I settled into my life in the seniors residence, got involved in volunteer work at my church and spent time with my youngest grandson learning to play and have fun.
My son who turns forty-seven this year has lived on the other side of the ocean for many years. It has been a long time since we have celebrated our birthdays together. His is in early May. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have a son that old since I still feel that young myself sometimes.
My son-in-law has his birthday this week. He is like a son to me. I have known him since he was sixteen years old and first started dating my daughter. He has always called me mom. Now he calls me Nana. I have been witness to his incredible life journey from a young teenager to a grown man in his forties running a business and providing for his family.
My nephew and two nieces also celebrate their birthdays during this time. They all live south of the border so I don’t get to see them in person. Still I mark their special day remembering to send birthday wishes to them on our FAMJAM What’s App conversation. It keeps us all connected.
Having a birthday season in my family means taking time out every week to acknowledge and be a witness to the many ages and stages of life everyone is going through on their own and all of us together. I am at the helm of the birthday boat this year and give thanks for each and everyone of my family members.
So glad to have us all celebrating together during this special birthday season!
I am in my seventies now and I encounter a lot of people who admit they are living with some degree of hearing impairment as I am. Many have chosen to get hearing aids to help them manage conversations better. Others get along without the use of any form of aid. They choose this option mostly because they are not ready, not because they could not benefit from them. Others have tried them and just don’t like them for various reasons. If you are one of the lucky ones who has exceptional hearing then I am happy for you. Your ears and brain are still functioning at the top of your game.
Hearing loss is most often gradual and for some of us that means the people around us usually notice before we do that we are not hearing as well as we used to. We gradually learn to adapt by lip reading or other methods of communication. So we think we are doing fine. The truth is most of us are not. We are just working harder than we need to and are exhausting our nervous systems in the process. Living alone we often don’t notice that the tv or radio is on louder than it used to be. Even when we live with someone we blame them for mumbling or talking at us from another room.
Early Diagnosis
I have been hard of hearing since I was eighteen years old. The doctor told me then I had the hearing of someone in their sixties. It has been gradually getting worse since then. I got my first pair of hearing aids when I was twenty-two. Thus began my life long journey of learning how to adapt and hear and communicate in a world that is not user friendly for the hard of hearing. Loud noises or even music playing in the background can interfere with how hard someone has to work to listen. I must say though that technology has really improved over the decades and I am doing better now than I did in my thirties even though I hear less.
I have had years to study how the loss of hearing can affect my ability to socialize. For years I did not go to the movies because I missed too much of the dialogue and the background sound effects are too loud. I only went to foreign films with sub-titles. Now there is a device some theatres offer called Rearview Captioning that you can borrow. It goes in the cup holder and shows the subtitles under the screen. It works great. Now I can go to movies again.
When watching television I always have the closed captioning on or I don’t watch it at all. I lived without a television for more than ten years. I also avoided large gatherings of people for a long time because it was too hard to hear when I engaged in conversation. Sometimes I would go but would then sit quietly by myself just observing what was happening around me and usually people didn’t seem to notice. So even though I was out and about and trying to socialize with my friends or engage in the world, I often felt isolated and alone in the crowd. Eventually I made sure I did more one on one activities because that was easier for me to manage.
Ways We Adapt
What I have observed recently is how well I have adapted by learning all sorts of responses to give when I don’t really understand what someone has said to me without cutting off the conversation. I might say something like “that’s interesting or right or that makes sense….” The other person carries on talking assuming I am understanding them and I just sit quietly and “listen” as hard as I can to what they are saying hoping I will understand enough and have something equally as engaging to share when it is my turn to speak.
This is a learned behaviour that has developed over a long period of time. Listening is really hard work for someone with a hearing impairment, and sometimes we just don’t have the energy or ability to focus that long. So we learn to fake it or isolate ourselves so we don’t have to and that can get lonely. Most of us take longer to process information so long periods of silence in between sharing information is so helpful. In todays world though I have noticed that silence makes people uncomfortable. So they try to fill it up by talking more.
My granddaughter asked me a few months ago “Nana why do you say ‘right’ so much when I am talking to you?” That was the first time I was aware I was doing it and at the time I didn’t know why I did. So after observing my behaviour I came to realize it was because I didn’t understand everything she was saying to me still I wanted to acknowledge her. I have learned over the years that most people do not like having to repeat themselves if you let them know you did not understand what they said. Often they will just say “never mind it’s not important” which cuts the conversation short and leaves the listener feeling left out.
Challenges Along the Way
Many people speak very quickly and often cover their mouths with their hands or turn their face so the listener can’t see them. Children have higher pitched voices and talk quickly going from one subject to another which often makes it hard to follow. I have tried my best to remind my grandchildren to face me when they talk with me and also to speak more slowly so I can understand everything they say because what they tell me is important to me. I did the same with my children when they were growing up. The truth is I am the one doing most of the adapting. Most of my friends and even my family have a hard time remembering I am hearing impaired. My own mother told me once I never think about it. You always do so well. Yes I do and it is very hard work sometimes.
Like most things in life change is gradual as we get older. Our bodies slow down and we learn to take things at a steady pace. Many of my friends who now have the experience of not understanding or hearing as well as they were used to are saying to me “how did you do it for all those years?”. I tell them that is a very good question. The answer is I learned to listen with my whole self – not just my ears. I developed a keen sense of observation and learned to put things in context so I could fill in the gaps. I also developed my intuition so that I could figure out what someone was talking about. I am a good listener and I listen a lot to other people. My heart is always open so what I don’t understand with my head I can feel in my heart and I respond as best I can.
The Gift of Silence and Solitude
Some of my closest companions over the years have been authors of books that I have read. When I find myself alone, not ready to venture out into the world I choose to be quiet at home with a good book. It is often one written by someone and about something I can relate to. It helps me feel connected and not so isolated and alone. I refer to my books as my friends because the words that they contain offer solace to my soul when I need it most.
I found myself wanting to pull back more and more these past few months and I wrote about it recently. What I was noticing was that my hearing was getting worse and I was more and more tired after I was in a group setting. I saw my audiologist today and she confirmed for me what I had suspected. I have lost more hearing. So she adjusted my hearing aids and hopefully that will help improved things for me when it comes to understanding and taking part in social activities. Still I am aware that the fatigue is a side affect of hearing impairment and I must take time out in silence to restore my energy and not over task my nervous system.
If you can relate to any of what I am sharing here then I encourage you to take time to regroup and if you haven’t already done so get your hearing checked. Taking care of our bodies so that we can live a rich and vibrant life is key to our well being.
This past month I have had the great pleasure of meeting up with some dear friends I have known most of my life. One woman was my best friend all through elementary school. She lived just around the corner from me and we went to the same church. We sang in the girls choir together and went skiing almost every weekend in the winter with her mother. We made memories that lasted a lifetime and have watched each other grow up and move through life. We don’t see each other often and when we do it is easy and seamless. We just pick up where we left off.
Another friend and I also met in public school. We share memories and similar life experiences of growing up in the same public school and having mutual friends. We lost touch with one another for several years and then reconnected on FaceBook. It was such a thrill to meet up and discover that the friendship and connection was still there. This past weekend I met her in Toronto and we had a great conversation about family and how we now interact with our grown up children. We talked about living in Toronto in the “good old days” when we knew all the artistic venues. We share a love of art.
I also met up with a friend in Toronto who I have known since my teen years when I dated his brother. We have been connected ever since. We have a lot in common and share many family stories and history together. We have grown up and grown older through the years and seen each other go through many life changes. We have stayed in touch and loved each other through it all. He knows my children and that gives me a warm feeling in my heart because I know how much he cares about me and them. We sat on a bench by the waterfront and just chatting with one another watching the boats go by. It was so nice to be able to “just be” together without any particular agenda.
I realized today that there is a lot of value in having friends who have known you most of your life. You know they know you in ways that newer friends don’t. We have been witness to the struggles of each others lives as well as the many joys and celebrations. We have shared with each other the deep dark secrets that live in our hearts and that we only trust with a select few.
I have had an adventurous life moving around to various places throughout the country. Still somehow via internet and yes sometimes snail mail and telephone, I have managed to stay in touch with many friends across this land. I am blessed with a community of support that offer me much in the way of good memories, lots of laughter and the making of new memories.
I value all my friends, new and old, and am so grateful for the connection we have. I love being part of their lives and also having them in mine. We form a circle of trust that offers us all a bond of loving friendship that not everyone is privileged to have. I don’t take any of it for granted and do my best to stay in touch with as many of them as possible as often as I can.
So dear readers I hope you find yourself in a circle of trusted friends who know and love you just the way you are. Friends you can laugh with and cry with when you need to. Friends who will hold your hand and give you the support and encouragement you need. Most importantly may you be that kind of friend for others and in the end know how to be your own best friend.
Summer in my part of the world is a time when people slow down and try to get away to relax and take more time for play. I often hear from those who enjoy getting away to a beach or cottage where they can relax and do some summer reading. It is a time when a lot people find they feel more creative and want to be out in their gardens or in their studios painting. Writers take time away as an opportunity to envision what they may write about next or perhaps hole themselves away to write their next novel or short story.
The days of sunlight are much longer and the energy of the sun can inspire and guide us. There are also the summer storms that roar in sometimes without notice and we are caught in a downpour. Some people love to watch the thunder and lightening that often accompanies thunderstorms in my part of the country. The crash and roar of the skies opening up to release a build up of electrical energy is both invigorating and sometimes unnerving.
For me summer brings a mix of emotions. I have noticed my biorhythms are at their lowest in summer. Wanting to rest and lay low with little ambition to do much I take it easy. The hot weather discourages me from being outside or being too active. My body does not do well in the heat. I have friends, on the other hand, who love it and feel energized by the warming of the sun and hot humid air that makes them sweat. Not me! I am a cool weather person.
Still this summer I have had a great time just hanging out with friends and enjoying the lazy, hazy days of summer. I love watching baseball and look forward to attending a Blue Jays game in Toronto before the end of the season. Oh I know the Blue Jays have not been doing well this year still they are my team and I stand by them no matter what.
This past weekend I had the great pleasure of going to the motor racetrack with my son in law and grandson to watch them both race. My son in law raced his Mustang GT on the road track and my ten year old grandson raced his ATV four wheeler on the drag strip. It was so much fun to watch them. They are both amazing drivers. The biggest thrill of the day though was when my son in law asked me if I wanted to go around the track with him. I sat in the passengers seat while he raced around the track. We did two laps and I have never gone that fast in my life. Whizzing around tight corners and going full out on the straight away was so exciting for me. I don’t know what made me say yes because I am usually really scared of speed. This time though something inside me said yes, go for it. I am so glad I did. My son in law told me I was a real champion. I told him I am not here for a long time. I am here for a good time and that was definitely a good time.
I am finding at this stage of my life it is more about finding that thrill in life than it is about staying safe. Not that long ago I was in survival mode and doing whatever I could to stay the course and keep myself from falling off the edge. Now I live on the edge looking out into the unknown excited to discover what is out there and what new things I can learn about. It is no longer about maintaining the status quo and perhaps never was for me. I have always been courageous and wanting to see life from different vantage points. Being in the passenger seat of a race car was definitely a new vantage point and gave me lots to consider about life in general.
So dear friends, wherever you are, whatever stage of life you are in I wish for you a life this summer and beyond that brings you something that gives you a thrill and offers you a new perspective. Life is meant to lived full out and also to be savoured. I have learned that you do not have to get away to a beach or cottage to have a good summer. We can have the best experience of our lives at home with ourselves or sitting on a park bench watching the birds and squirrels enjoying life in the trees. Wherever you are and whatever you get up choose to make it fun and joyful for yourself. Happy Summer!
I have been taking some time out to recharge my personal battery. It has been good for me to take this opportunity to review where I am now and what direction I want to take in the future.
About a month ago I had my laptop sitting on the table beside my chair. I had a plastic glass with a lid and straw filled with water. I got up to do something so set the glass on top of the closed laptop. That was my first mistake.
I got busy and went out for the day. When I came home and sat down in my chair I noticed there was water on the floor. Then I saw the glass I had left full was now empty. It was not knocked over it was still there where I left it. So I concluded it must have had a small leak. What a shock! I grabbed my computer and when I lifted the lid water ran down the screen then under the keyboard. I quickly wiped it all off and thought I had saved it from further damage so I turned it on to see if if still worked and Ta Da it came on. That was my second mistake.
After a minute the screen went black and it lost all power. Sh**. It was an Apple Lap top not even two years old and I had just made the last payment on it. I was sick. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I contacted the Apple Store and took it in to be repaired. Sadly there was no repairing it. It would have cost as much to replace the parts as it would to be buy a new one. So I handed it in for recycling. That was my third mistake.
I learned some hard lessons through this experience.
At first I was devastated and then I relaxed about it and decided to take some time to recharge and learn to live without it. Thankfully I had saved everything on the Cloud so I could still access my files. I accepted my fate and moved on. I have an IPAD and a good friend gave me a keyboard to use with it. I also have my IPHONE. I decided to make do because there were no funds available for another laptop. So for about a month I was offline more often than not. My writing suffered as I was so used to writing on a laptop and the IPAD was not a big enough screen for me to see well enough. So I stopped writing. That was my fourth mistake.
As a writer and someone who lives alone technology has become my lifeline. I no longer enjoy handwriting and transcribing. I prefer to write on the computer. So I began to grieve the loss of my laptop in a way that was quite surprising to me and also a gift. I looked deeper inside to learn what it was about the loss that was so hard for me. Some of it was financial. I no longer had the financial resources to replace my laptop. That took me into a deeper hole of fear of lack and self recrimination about being in such a tight spot.
My writing always helps me to connect with myself and others in a way that simple conversation does not always afford. So not being able to connect through writing is very hard for me. After a month I was at a real loss and needed help to find a solution. So the lesson here was that I needed to stay connected via technology for my own health and well being.
I decided to ask for help with my dilemma. I was very specific with my request. I wanted a used laptop that someone may not be using any more and was willing to either lend me or give away. I was hoping for an Apple Laptop as it communicates with my other devices and would be happy with a PC. I put it out into the Universe and two days later a friend from my church arrived with his old Apple Laptop for me. It was a gift not a loan. WOW! I was so happy I was in tears. I had a new life line.
The time without a computer was good for me. I created new habits and routines for going out for walks when I may have preferred to be in writing on my computer. I called and chatted with friends instead of emailing. I was out in the community more and getting to know my new neighbours.
Spring had sprung and I was ready to recharge my own battery. The story of the drowned laptop was a good metaphor for me to review and look into its deeper meaning for me. Perhaps there is a story to be written from that. Lesson learned keep all liquids away from technical devices!
I look around the room and what do I see? An unmade bed, clothes piled on the chair and draped over the bench. Dishes in the sink and scattered around the room, dirty clothes sorted and piled on the floor waiting to be laundered and Teddy bears on the chair.
If I didn’t know better I would presume that I had walked into the room of an adolescent. The truth is though it is my own studio apartment I am looking at and I am almost seventy! I am living with my adolescent self at the moment. She is very rebellious and creative as well as moody at times. She wants nothing more than to avoid housework. When growing up she was used to having her mother do it for her and so is not motivated to look after it herself.
At the same time, she is very creative. She loves to write and play with art materials. She loves putting together outfits that are stylish and comfortable. She also loves spending time with friends and sharing some good food. One of my favourite things to do as a teenager was go to the local restaurant after school with my friends and order a Coke with a plate of French fries and gravy. I found myself drawn into a diner a few weeks ago and placed that very order. It was so satisfying.
What in the world has brought this young part of me out again? I like her in so many ways, still my mother self needs her to clean up the place and bring order back into my life. Mothering myself is a good way to use my energy in a positive way. I need good mother messages right now. I can remember my mother often commenting on how nice I looked when she picked me up from work or how much she liked the way I decorated my home when she came to visit after I was married.
As fun as it can be to live with my adolescent it is not good for her to be in charge all the time. I am best to stay present as the older woman I am and keep my life moving forward in the most positive ways possible. Then again maybe the older one is having fun just letting go of all the responsibilities for now and having the freedom to be sloppy and carefree. I will eventually clean up because truthfully I feel better when everything is clean and orderly. So for now here’s to allowing all the many parts of ourselves to shine in their own light. We are the sum of all our parts.
Some of the best memories I have are times spent with two very good friends and a cat that I formed a very special bond with. I have lots of friends and lots of great memories so it is not to take away from any of them. These two people I am writing about today have found a special place in my heart for different reasons. They have both watched me go into my cocoon and emerge through a transformation process that even I don’t fully understand.
Friend and Mentor
My first friend pictured I saw last summer for the first time in four years. She came to visit me with her husband on their travels across Canada and the US. We first met in 2014 when I was still living in Victoria, British Columbia. I was seeking a purpose for my life after being unemployed for almost a year. I was asking myself big questions and wondering what my older years were going to be about. One day I came up with the idea of becoming a sage, whatever that meant. I thought I could somehow become a Wise Elder or Sage. So I Googled Sage and found a book “From Age-ing to Sage-ing – A Revolutionary Approach to Growing Older”. That sounded like a good place to start. This led me to an Organization called Sage-ing International that was founded by the author of the book — Salman Schachter-Shalomi. This organization offers courses, workshops and retreat weekends. It is an international organization with regional contacts. So I wrote to the person for my area. That was my first encounter with my now dear friend Nancy. We met and instantly discovered so many things we had in common. She was easy to talk with. She is older than me and is trained to be a mentor. I enrolled in two of the intensive weekend retreats she was facilitating and I received my certificate. Over the years she has introduced me to others in the organization and I joined a Wisdom Circle that she was leading. This was the beginning of my elder years and was a big turning point for me in my life.
Writing Companion
As our friendship developed Nancy and I became writing partners. We met every two weeks spending time writing alone together. We started with a common prompt and then wrote whatever came to us during a set period of time. When we were done we would share what we had written with one another taking great pleasure in seeing where the prompt led us. One of my favourite memories was the day we chose a prompt I had seen on a website “She was raised in a graveyard by ghosts”. We decided to take ourselves to the local cemetery to write. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day overlooking the ocean. We sat there on our lawn chairs in a grassy opening with our books and pens and wrote for forty-five minutes. The stories that we wrote that day were both humorous and dark in content. It was so much fun. We still laugh about it to this day. Nancy not only became my friend and mentor she became a soul sister. She is someone who I can go months and not talk to and yet we can pick up right where we left off the last time we talked. It is amazing to me how we found each other just because I was curious and seeking some greater purpose to my life.
Old Friend, True Friend
My next friend pictured is someone I have known since elementary school. We grew up in the same neighbourhood and went to the same school. We lost touch over the years and then one day she found me on Facebook and we connected again. It is not often you find someone who has known you for such a long time and can share the old memories of days gone by and at the same time remind you who you are today. Irene is another one of my soul sisters who I share many childhood memories with. She remembers things about me that I had long forgotten and always gives me something to laugh about. One of the things we share is a love of baseball and we have celebrated our friendship at a BlueJays baseball game on more than one occassion. It is so much fun. I can laugh and be so silly with her and at the same time we connect on so many levels. We both love art and she is a wonderful fabric artist as well as visual artist. We complement each other. Again we can go for a long period of time and not see or talk with one another and just pick up where we left off or start fresh with something new.
Feline Friend
Then there is my old buddy Kipper. I spent just over a year looking after him when his parents went away. He was my pal through good times and not so good times. He was another one of my dear friends who supported my writing as well as my Spiritual Journey. When I stayed with him I often felt like I was on retreat in a perfect little cottage. He would curl up on the sofa beside me while I wrote on my laptop. Periodically I would stop and read to him what I had written. Sometimes he would look up and appear to be listening while other times he would simply keep sleeping beside me. Either way I loved his company. When it was his turn to be fed he would get my attention and remind me who was the boss. We had a special understanding. Even though he was not my cat and I only spent time with him periodically there was a bond that we shared and when he left this world at the age of twenty years old I morned his passing. To this day when I visit his parents who are also now my dear friends I miss seeing him coming round the corner or up the stairs to greet me. I have very fond memories of our time together.
And finally …..
There are so many people I could write about who have changed my life and added to my story. I could not be where I am today without all the many friends in my circle who I love and who love me and without my family who I adore and cherish with all of my heart. It has been good for me to write this piece and open the memory banks. I have been feeling very stuck and uninspired for a few months now and somehow today I found the key to open my heart once again. Thanks to all of you who follow me and read these posts. I appreciate your presence and comments. I am not that good and all the technical parts of this website so forgive me if it is hard to find the post. I am working on it.
I have been taking a long over due break from writing on this blog and it is now time for me to start over. Since I first began writing on these pages the world has been spinning at a speed that at times makes me want to jump off. It is hard to imagine what life would be like if we could just take a long break from everything and collect our own thoughts and connect with our own feelings without the input of outside influences. I am not certain it is even possible anymore though I am sure many have tried.
I have been feeling quite isolated in some ways and in other ways thinking I am so well connected what is this feeling of isolation really about. It comes down to being disconnected from myself. Where did the break happen and how, where do I find that lost part of me that is floating off in the ethers somewhere. Prayer and meditation help. Writing of course connects me to myself in ways I have discovered over the years is part of finding my authentic voice. What I am learning now, though, is that writing is not enough. I must use my actual voice to tell my story. Somehow forming the words in my mouth, saying them out loud, to people who are receptive to what I have to say, brings me such joy. As I look across at the person or people who are listening to me I feel a sense of true connection that is both mesmerizing and grounding. The Spirit in me touches the Spirit in them and we truly see each other. The connection is experienced in a way that is unique to each individual.
Carl Jung said we were all mirrors to each other and when we look into another’s eyes we are really seeing ourselves — the parts we love and the parts we hold with distain. I also heard a phrase the other day at meeting I was attending. One of the members said “Be the Lighthouse not the Tugboat”. Somehow, that phrase stuck with me and left me wondering when and how am I a lighthouse and when and how am I being a tugboat. What is it that I am tugging along behind me. Is it a boat full of people who I can’t let go of or ideas that I just hold onto because they have always been with me and even though they don’t serve my highest good anymore I still use my precious energy to keep them afloat. For example, when someone is being mean or super critical of someone I know my first instinct is to defend that individual especially if they are not there to defend themself. Who am I to be the champion of the underdog? Maybe the super critical one knows something I don’t. What I am learning to do is be the lighthouse and shine compassion on both the people involved. Having compassion for someone who is so hypercritical can be very hard, much harder than having compassion for the one being criticized. Either way the choice is mine. I can real with righteous indignation and wind myself up into a frenzy or step back and soften the response with one of kindness and compassion. This is just one very small example of how easy it is to be a tug boat and not even realize what you are pulling behind you.
The Pillow Philosopher 